Beauty Pageant Is Monkey Business

My neighbour is organising a beauty pageant for some “chics” - as he calls them. “It would change the face of shows in Nigeria”, he said. So, I urged a friend to register his 10 chickens. But, I repented when I saw the flier for the show: “Are you chic?  Win N1 million just showcasing your smart looks. It’s for pretty, dainty teenage girls with pencil shape”!

 

Beauty pageant used to be a prized event that added value to womanhood. But not anymore. Now, everybody organises anything – just get a sponsor. Sell the forms and get rich. Greed, avarice and poverty now force half-baked beauty shows on us. Everyone duplicates everyone’s effort. No copyright, please. Well, the so-called winners may make you take another look at an old Biology textbook. If you favour the monkey in the book above them, I won’t blame you. It only shows beauty pageant is now “monkey business.” Thank you! 

 

Beauty shows come 100 a kobo these days. In fact, organizers have even run out of names, so Mr. B twists slightly the one used by Mr. A. Check out the following: Miss Nigeria, Most Beautiful Girl in Nigeria, Miss ECOWAS, Miss Commonwealth, Miss Tourism, Miss Hot legs, Miss Silverbird, Miss World, Miss Universe, Miss Earth, Miss Malaika, Queen of All Nations, Model of the Year, etc. I’m thinking of Miss Fashionable, Miss Fashion Show, Miss Beauty, Miss Beauty Pageant, Miss Fine Eyes, Miss Smelly Mouth, Miss Sub-region, Miss West Africa, Miss Big Head, Miss Mini Skirt, Miss Spaghetti Blouse, and Miss Boxer Shorts. 

 

Every school, state, local government and street junction now has a pageant. Soon, every market and home would. And I’m seriously considering one called Miss Usoro. And since we seem to be running out of names, let’s use products. It’s advertising, isn’t it?  KIA has just done a pageant. So has Visine (eye drop). Soon, enters Miss Fanta, Miss Pepsi, Miss Gulder, Miss Bournvita (and the rest of the beverage drinks shall fall into line). “Miss Sun” would probably “shine” the way for other news media. 

 

But then, what are we promoting? Starvation! Our girls are getting so skinny because they all want to be the next beauty queen. Suddenly, turning a walking skeleton has become a criterion for beauty. Now, we can hardly differentiate (aspiring) models from AIDS victims. Well, I like skinny girls, especially if I live in the same house with them. At least, I can have their food, while they watch their weight, height and complexion. Then, I’ll be ready for anybody who tries to accuse me of taking advantage of AIDS patients. 

 

These days, every time somebody says on my TV, "please, think of the needy, those starving to death…”, I think of young girls trying so hard to be models. Now, after graduating from secondary schools to “lesson centers”, the next thing is to starve to become a model. Matters got worse since Genevieve Nnaji and Omotola Ekeinde became “role models” without higher education. So, many girls readily drop out of school to go into acting, modeling, etc – with only a malnourished look as their qualification. And if you argue hard, a cheeky fellow reminds you some female university graduates are now dancing for illiterate Fuji musicians. What an argument!

 

Anyway, we’ve sent a “bill” to the National Assembly. It says, “Any skinny contestant who collapses and dies of hunger must be flogged 100 strokes before burial”. I hope they consider this matter before touching Obasanjo’s NLC-splitting one. Girls?! - courting ulcer while trying to be famous is hardly the best way to prove how intelligent and beautiful you are. Broomstick image would only create more work for the docs. 

It’s really disturbing that while Sadiq Daba and I are struggling to keep our natural figure-eight, our girls are forcing themselves into letter “I”. 

 

The most annoying thing is that there’s even a conspiracy to suggest that men are neither beautiful nor intelligent. Ironically, men are spearheading the campaign. But, does it take intelligence to go half-dressed? Wait! Let me show you. But please, be kind not to call me mad! Come on, we need a beauty pageant for men. If none else would contest, I would. And I’m sure Gov. Victor Attah and Dr Ime Umanah; Generals Olusegun Obasanjo and Muhamadu Buhari; Gov Olagunsoye Oyinlola and ex-gov Bisi Akande, Alhaji Lamidi Adedibu and Gov Rashidi Ladoja, etc, would join me. Imagine Baba in Otta-Farm bikini shorts, leading the pack! Our critics should die in shame; together, we’d make a beauty statement! No crude language, only enlivening and memorable quotes for posterity! 

 

Okay, so far, we haven’t lived up to billing. I admit, organizers and participants of “political pageants” have lost focus. So, our girls and their deceivers borrow a leaf – branches and roots too. Today, beauty pageant is not only like coupon, “kalokalo” (the more you play or look, the less you see or win), it’s also like JAMB and WAEC exams. Try your luck; but you’ll have to try again – winning is not as cheap as Cossy Ojiakor. 

 

Yeah, here’s “expo” on how to win a pageant. Fast 40 days and nights, but remember to adequately “oil” the organizers and their judges. In person or through an agent. A combined strategy pays better. And, please, remember to starve to death. But just before you drop, may I have your food?

 

FROM MY MAILBOX 

One of the best

You are one of the best. Keep it up. All your write ups are well articulated. You are in the class of Dele Shobowale of Sunday Vanguard and Femi Adesina of The Sun.

 "willie tchibu" <hulatch@yahoo.com>  

Ajawara williams

Enugu.

 

They milk us dry

I was deeply touched by the article, “ I refuse to be named Patience” and how you handled the issue. I also refuse to be called Patience especially when our politicians think they are there to enjoy while inflicting sorrow on the poor masses. While the GSM companies milk us dry and leave us empty handed, our leaders go to sleep. 

"pius oburo" <p_oburo@yahoo.com>  

 

I admire your style

 I`m an ardent reader of your column, " The Reality" in The SUN newspaper every Saturday. I admire your style of writing (I’m sure you must have heard that a million times). Keep it up. 

"isang ekarika" <isangekarika@yahoo.com>  

 

I’ll join you

Honestly, Usoro, I share your view on the head count. How can they use N40 billion to count our heads? I will join you in locking my head in the drawer, lest somebody makes the mistake of using it for isiewu. Tufiakwa!     

"kelechi ogundu" <kogundu@usa.com>  

 

 Thanks a lot

  I commend you for being ‘lion hearted’ in exposing the things that are wrong in this country.

Thanks a lot.

  "tobechukwu eluu" <valiantokaa@yahoo.com>    

 

You make us proud

You have always made us proud. How I wish your column would come out everyday  of the week. 

"enyinnaya kalu" <fortkal99@hotmail.com>  

 

Excellent work

I heartily commend you on the excellent job you have been doing in your column. I love your piece on "This government should go on strike," (Saturday Sun, June 19, 2004). The unanswered question you asked, and many Nigerians are still asking Obasanjo is: "wasn't going abroad when the home front boiled Joshua Dariye's offense?" It is truly a case of "do as I say, not as I do"

 "Joshua Egbodo" <jovial_1world@yahoo.com>  

 

Thank God for The Sun

I thank God for The Sun newspaper, for you (Usoro) and for our rulers.

They thought that we would not reach them. It escaped their minds that USORO is always ready to give voice to the feeling of the masses.

   Keep it up, jare!.

 "Ifeanyi Otigba" <tigbasmi@yahoo.com>  

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  July 31, 2004