Go to London and Die!

 

My daughter just loves jingles. For instance, once AIT signature tune starts, she surfaces before the TV set - prancing like a calf. Super Story, Binta and Friends, etc also have a similar effect. She’s barely two, but m-e-e-n, she has already cut her own jingles. Samples: “I want to poopoo”; “I want to eat because I’m tired”; “You harassing me?”

 

But the other day, the girl ran from the TV. As if she saw a Chimpanzee. Or a masquerade. Or a ghost pinched her from behind. The way she shouted, you’d think she entered a “London trap” – like Alamieyeseigha. By the time I ran to the TV, a CNN newscaster was talking about a horrible New Orleans woman named Katrina. 

 

Another day, the moment I switched to CNN, my baby turned to go. Just as a figure blocked the screen, shaking both hands like an okrika seller. The girl ran. I’ve blurred vision but somebody said the figure was General Olusegun Obasanjo. But then, you know how Nigerians lie against the president. The only thing that almost convinced me was the hoarse voice growling: “Welcome to Nigeria…”

 

But nobody was coming. Not with the impression that advert creates. With raffia in the background as if Baba emerged from a bush. I checked again last week, still nobody’s coming. Since 1999, Baba has burnt all the fuel trying to bring in foreigners. The only foreigners here are the refugees. The “foreign investors” have refused to come. Well, our leaders and their families – smart Nigerians – have now decided to move this country to the foreigners. Look! Nothing to worry about, even if you’re from Warri. See, do the reverse, if Mohammed’s afraid of going to the mountain…abi? If you disagree, lick your elbow. 

 

Rather than bring in genuine investors, our politicians would rather play the “Andrew.” Once, the Swiss Bank held the attraction. But, I guess, Abacha filled the place so they won’t accept more Nigerians. Hence, our rulers turn to USA and London. To bank both our money and their lives.

 

Our people are pretty smart, I swear. They have long found out that it’s more honourable to be handcuffed by the British police.  A very cheap way to get international attention. At least, you’d be on CNN free, after Obasanjo’s ad. With an “oyinbo” silver wristwatch. Isn’t that better than Ribadu’s bangle and EFCC kidnap flick? And, hey, packing money abroad is for the good of the masses. What’s wrong with a public officer keeping public money in his house abroad, anyway?  It’s even a way of punishing those oyinbo. At the last “Thief-Executives” meeting, I heard, it was unanimously agreed that oyinbo should be taught some spelling and counting lessons. Our leaders decided to test them by packing all our money there. Let’s see how fast they can count ten million pounds, for instance. And they would have to spell our names before writing them, abi? My name is, Oluwafunmilowopupo Alamieyeseigha; no abbreviation, please!

 

Look, those saying our leaders go abroad for treatment because they’ve not put our hospitals in order are ignorant. Come on! Use my sense, if you have none. The trick of going abroad for treatment is this: It’s most honourable to die in Oyinboland. At least oyinbo would be forced to give you the last bathe, abi? Rich Nigerians would rather go and die of “brief illness” abroad than die of a more serious problem like “poverty alleviation.” They would rather be arrested by a foreign policeman called “Cardiac” than deal with Ehindero’s “integrity.”

 

Go and read a Bigman’s obituary: “He died after a brief illness in a London Hospital”; “He died after a cardiac arrest in an American Hospital.” “Oh! His death was postponed after he was arrested by London police on his way from a German hospital." And that ends the news in Ejegam! 

 

Why do our politicians prefer to announce their obituaries in foreign press? Back home, they look down on the journalists.

 

Nigerian Reporter: Sir, please don’t be angry - o. Did you travel with any money at all?

 

Politician: “No comment. I don’t talk to press, but my PA would ‘dash’ you my photograph. Oh, if you are looking for my achievements, my press secretary has them - all on a piece of paper – including the new Mr Biggs in our state.”

 

CNN: Mr Politician, is stealing of public funds part of democracy dividend?

 

 Politician: “I have watered by area, fired my area. Roaded the entire place. My people are very happy with me. They even begged me to siphon their money abroad for safe keeping.” 

 

CNN: Sir, why did the police search your home and arrest your bags of money?

 

Politician: “Ah! Don’t mind them! They are just jealous of our achievements. Since they can’t  buy houses in Nigeria, they want to embarrass us. The other day, they searched Atiku’s house. And they spread rumours that many of our  governors – with no visible business – own houses abroad. Stupid people. To stop governors from buying more property abroad, they set a trap for Joshua Dariye. The guy had to do a marathon from London to Nigeria in one night. Jealousy! Last week, they moved Scotland Yard to Heathrow Airport. You see, to show how transparent I am, I don’t have foreign account. That’s why I kept all the money at home.”

 

Nigerian Reporter: Sir, why did you arrest our governor?

 

British Police: “He moved Bayelsa to London. Our Queen was scared that man – what’s his name again? - would come and take over her empire. I mean, his entourage and the content of his luggage were intimidating”.

 

Nonsense! Even when Alamieyeseigha denied ownership of the one million pound allegedly found in his London home, the stupid Britons insist he’s the owner. Why can’t they bring the money to me? In fact, they need a lesson from Nigeria Police on how to treat exhibit “M”.

 

You see, rich Nigerians think “Scotland Yard” is like the “Face-me, I-face-you ‘yards’” dotting Lagos. They think British Police are Nigerian Police. Politicians kick us and our constitution, forgetting they are not worth much without us. Ask Alamieyeseigha. We confer that immunity on the president, his vice, the governors and their deputies. So we deserve a better treatment, jare!

 

Come! When would our thieving politicians learn? How many British or American politicians have bought houses in Nigeria? How many pack their money here? Hey! Did I see a hand up? You! Yes, you! What’s your name? Dariye? Alamieyeseigha? Or Oluwamuyiwa Obasanjo alias “Stella’s son”? Anyway, it doesn’t matter, just answer the questions. For the benefit of those who haven’t been caught stealing, yet. Okay, you, how many US vice presidents come to Nigeria on holiday? Over to you, Atiku. 

 

The Britons say Obasanjo asked them to arrest Alamieyeseigha. Well, not bad. At least, it shows Baba is fighting corruption. Who knows, one day, that instruction may extent to Oluwamuyiwa and his N78million house in US. And our “unknown” Petroleum Minister.

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Sept 24, 2005