So-so Crash: Baba Don Vex!

 

My friend, General Olusegun Obasanjo, is angry. And I blame the charlatans in the aviation sector. Ah! For a long time, I’ve never seen Baba that angry. In fact, so angry was he on Tuesday that he ‘punished’ some ‘bigmen’ – by making them sing the national anthem. It was at the presidential forum on aviation. And you  needed to see the ‘bigmen’ sweating as they croaked. I heard Baba ordered all the cassette players switched off.

 

Well, one stupid fellow said presido’s anger wasn’t much about the  number of deaths in the  frequent air crashes. It was out of fear. 

 

Protocol: Sir, arrangements for your trip to Portugal have been concluded. Or should we keep it in view?

Presi: Are you crazy? Keep who in Bellview? Oh! You want me to die in a plane crash? And, did you say, Port…? It’s your father that would fly to Port Harcourt; not me.

 

Flying a Nigerian plan now is scary. That’s why Baba shelved his trip to Portugal. Hence, he was justifiably angry when Fidelis Onyeyiri started his lies at the forum. The Nigerian Civil Aviation Authority (NCAA), he claimed, had done a lot already. 

Onye: We have tarred all the roads in the sky. All the portholes have been filled. In fact, we’ve even painted the sky, that is why it looks white from the ground. And no plane can fly our sky unless there’s a pilot inside – it doesn’t matter if he’s an ex-convict or a drug rehab.  One of the safety measures is that all the doors must be closed before take off…

 

Obasanjo: “Mr Man, if you have nothing to say, go and sit down. If you were doing all these that you claim you are doing, we wouldn’t have the discussion we are having now. So who do you think you are talking to here? Mr Minister, if this is the kind of man you have, with due respect, you do not have any man.”

You see, months ago,  Baba swore to me that he would never get angry again on national TV. He even promised not to take anything ‘strong’- including pure water. But in anger, on Tuesday, the man announced that he took something called “exception”. It was difficult to confirm if that was the name of a new wine.

 

Me: Sir, you said you drank ‘exception’, but did it have a NAFDAC number approved by EFCC?

Baba: “Usoro, or whatever your name is, I don’t take alcohol, but that does not mean that I cannot take something. Especially, when somebody is trying to insult my intelligence. Imagine! Captain Jonathan Ibrahim accusing me of doing ‘arrangee meeting’”.

Me: Calm down, sir. But many people wonder why you grounded only Sosoliso and Changchangi airlines. Did it have anything to do with their names? Why did you not include Bellview?

Baba: E-e-e-h-e-m! You see…let’s be frank with ourselves. We would never get anywhere unless we begin to see why certain things are done. Some Nigerians are very myopic, that’s why they wear eye glasses. By the way, is this a PM chat?

Me: Sir, it’s midnight, but if you say it’s pm, I’m sure the National Assembly would agree. 

Baba: I mean Presidential Media chat, silly.

Me: Okay Sir. You are the president and I’m from the media. But are we chatting...?

Baba: …hold it there and let me finish. Yes, the problem with Chanchangi is not just its planes, the name has a problem too. It sounds like Chinese food. And I don’t have patience for those things. Give me amala and gbegiri any day, jare! As for Sosoliso, its name reminds me of the current situation. And no sensible government would fold its legs and watch the situation. Today, crash. Tomorrow, crash. ‘So-so…’ crash dey full this country. And to make matters worse, those planes did not have the sense to bury the people they killed. They just scattered their ‘preys’ on the runway. At least, Bellview plane was descent enough to dig Lisa soil by itself to bury the victims. That’s why we did not sanction the airline. 

 

Okay, we have been told Obasanjo worked on a one-year-old memo by Uffot Ekaete. Anyway, I heard former Aviation Minister Isa Yuguda’s wife used the letter to tie akara. And Fany Kayode just found out on Monday morning when he bought akara for lunch. That’s when Baba got the letter. But was it not the same Yuguda that Baba used to chase Slok, the only airline with new planes, out of Nigeria? So, if Yuguda hide the letter and caused the crashes, why is he not in jail for mass murder? Or even children, women and menslaughter? 

 

Me: Sir, I learnt you have ordered a revamp of the waterways and railways. Why did it take you so long to wake up?

Baba: You must be very stupid. Omo osi! Don’t you have respect for a sleepy old man?

Me: Sorry Sir!

Baba: You better be. Stupid boy.

 

Well, this once, Baba was justified in his anger. An aviation sector run on lies and pretense is trouble. When incompetent hands are appointed into sensitive positions on sentiment, the result is disaster. Then, the same idiots would blame the resultant mishaps on God/gods. “It’s an act of God”, they claim. Big lie! Nonsense!

 

I’ve just learnt why the crew remind you always of your imminent death, the moment you board a Nigerian plane. Long ago, I’m told, airline owners sacked most trained pilots because they asked for too much. Then, they gave truck-pushers ill-fitted uniforms and shoved them into the cockpits. The few trained ones fly round the country 24-hours without rest. So, why won’t planes crash?

 

See, it’s very easy to know a Nigerian plane anywhere. As the plane takes off, the passenger next to you shouts: “God! Driver take am easy – o! I go come down for the next bus stop.” As if God was the one flying the coffin. After the airhostess tells you to prepare for death, she serves you  hard bread. In case you survive the imminent crash, you must choke to death. "Sorry sir, no tea - o. I hope you came with enough saliva." 

 

Don’t expect a magazine or newspaper to read, unless you can read Russian or German, the official languages of the flight-instruction manual. 

Now, you may open your eyes and reduce your grip on the armrest. That  clap and cheer session from other passengers meant the plane has landed without an explosion. But watch it! As you try to alight, somebody in front of you is trying to retrieve a car engine block from the overhead compartment. “Good bye”, says the airhostess, “I hope you fry with us some other time.”

             

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Dec 17, 2005