Time to Name Our Own Hurricanes

 

I don’t know why the “civilised” world picks names for disasters without considering Nigeria. It’s unfair to ignore a country that has borne the burden of every African nation, except Nigeria. Nigeria has tried, I swear by the biggest Bible. The biggest Quran. And my big head!

 

“Oyinbo” people are so selfish. Imagine, of all the names of natural disasters, none is African. No, Nigerian. That’s why I sent away my maid named Katrina. “Oyinbo” even name hurricanes after saints, girlfriends, years and First Ladies. One was named “Bess,” after President Harry Truman’s wife. Imagine! Why can’t they name one “Hurricane Stella”?

 

Anyway, I suspect the Americans are at the centre of this conspiracy. To deprive Nigeria of its God-given endowments. See, we may not have enough “natural disasters” to compete with the Western world. But our politicians and their families are enough in that category. And, we have created some disasters of national dimension, haven’t we?  I put it to the Americans that Nigeria is rich in everything, including “national disasters.” Example: PDP. Yet the Yankees make it look as if they have the monopoly of naming things. And they don’t even have the courtesy of organising a “naming ceremony.” With an invitation to our “owambe” ruler, who likes dancing with his rump in the air. 

 

But then, Americans try to be orderly. Between 1993 and 1998, they drew up a list of 21 simple names under each year. Each name does not exceed nine letters. No funny name like Oluwamuyiwa Stella’s son Obasanjo. But how they decide the year to pick only female names is still in their heads. Once they exhaust the names, they go back to the top. And, once a hurricane has caused great damage, its name is retired from the six-year cycle.

 

To the Americans, disaster is as natural as oil is to Nigerians. But so far, there has been no monopoly of the disaster naming process by a clique. The president’s family does not dominate the list. In fact, none of the American president’s child ever got a contract to name any hurricane. Or create one. Or supply relief materials to the victims. Neither have the cronies. And that’s very surprising. For, in Nigeria, the president’s mistress and even the maid lift oil. Or import the refined one. Hence, the price must always go up like my age.

 

 I hereby move a motion that we name our “national disasters” after some people. You see, it’s a way of immortalising them. And their evil deeds. For instance, every scuttled election should be named “Hurricane Nzeribe.” Every  annulled election should be called “Hurricane IBB.” If rigged, it should go with the tag: “Hurricane Uba” and “Hurricane Ngige.” Every policeman with a suspicious fat account must be “Hurricane Tafa.” Any governor spotted abroad with a bulging briefcase must be “Hurricane Dariye.” My lord, I would soon invite you to the “naming ceremony.”

 

You see, the “Oyinbo” think they are the only ones with disasters. Stupid of them. Africa is blessed with disasters as many as El Rufai’s fools. Our leaders feed fat on them. Like they do with our oil. They ‘lure’ the disasters to come, then organise relief efforts that end in some pockets. South Asia has only flood, typhoon, earthquake and, well, tsunami. Yet, they make noise. Check it out! We have more – including flood even in dry seasons. Famine amidst plenty. And, despite our vast agrarian land. We have locusts – with a lot of protein. Corruption. Poverty. Unemployment. Myopia. Lack of focus. Selfishness. I swear, we have, in abundance,  bad leadership!

 

My lord, naming our “national disasters” after our people has a lot of economic advantages. For instance, if we have “Hurricane Oluwamuyiwa,” the president’s son would not be forced to go and buy a hurricane abroad. I heard he has just bought a house in USA with his NYSC allowee. I insist, that N78million could have been used to repair Oke Ofa. Or Ikeja Cantonment. If those bomb explosion sites were named after Oluwamuyiwa Obasanjo alias “Stella’s son.”

If we start naming disasters after our politicians, they would be happy to retire, when they are senile. Contented that their names would always be remembered – at least, long with hunger, poverty, corruption, etc. My lord, this practice would relief even God of our burdens. For instance, instead of calling God whenever we are in trouble, we would be calling the people responsible for the disasters. A woman who watches her children die of hunger would never forget Obasanjo’s achievement. And if I trek from Lagos to Akwa Ibom, why shouldn’t I pray for Baba’s third term ambition? I like fuel price hikes because they make me stay in shape – by jogging some.

 

Now, I suggest any case of alleged disloyalty should be named “Hurricane Atiku.” Family board appointments should be called “Hurricane Amodu Ali.” Any party treating treason, murder, corruption and other illegalities as “family affair” should be named “Hurricane PDP.” My lord, that party has foresight. It has even named its rally after Tsunami. I only suggest we come closer home. We must not allow other people take credit for our efforts. So, any PDP crisis, scandal or mischievous rally should be named after the leader of the party. I heard Obasanjo is he, but I’m yet to confirm. Well, PDP seems confused. Sometimes they say Anenih is the leader. Ali’s name comes up, sometimes. Now, to solve the problem, I suggest we call PDP scandals “Hurricane Baba.” Any politician shooting much air should be named “Hurricane Bode.” Forget George, that’s an English name. Note: we are localising these things for advantage. For instance,  contracts for new sign posts must not be given to Julius anybody Berger. Unless he’s Aghahowa.

 

 Hurricane comes with flooding, rain and destruction - from violent winds. Ah! Check out our flooded runways. Cows-plane collision. Road turning death-traps and leading to carnages. Flooding at the Lagos Bar Beach. Jalingo Bridge just caved in, taking along hundreds of people. In Anambra, a local ‘hurricane’ has swept away over 300 houses. Came as erosion, while Ngige struggled for breath. The dimension of the disaster is beyond any state government, so where the hell is Ogunlewe? The man can’t even patch the road to his Ikorodu home. Ah, my lord, every bad road - especially in the East - should be named “Hurricane Anenih” and “Hurricane Ogunlewe.” Combined honours!

 

Two years to 2007, some states have been swept away by the hurricanes that first came as humans. Sir, here’s a motion: states still in deplorable conditions should be named after their governors. Edo, for instance, should be renamed “Hurricane Igbinedion.”  Akwa Ibom people once named a flood-prone road “River Attah.” Smart folks. That perhaps forced the governor to build an erosion trough at Nkemba. Now, if he doesn’t finish the Five Star hotel, the airport, the IPP project, the refinery, etc before 2007, I would personally organise a naming ceremony. Each of those projects would be tagged “Hurricane Attah.”

 

There are so many hurricanes here and we can’t allow the “Oyinbos” to claim all the credits. Soon, they might even claim to be more ingenuous. I suspect they have never heard of “Hurricane Mbadiwe.” Oh forget that Greg is “oyinbo” name. There’s “Hurricane Gana,” and it can’t be contained in a “jerry”-can.

 

The “oyinbos” are stupid. When a hurricane destroys a lot, it’s dropped from their list. In alphabetical order. Well, almost. Camille, 1969; David, 1979; Fredrick, 1979; Allen, 1980; Alicia in 1983; Gloria, 1985; Elena, 1985; Gilbert, 1988; Joan, 1988; Hugo, 1989; Bob, 1991; Andrew, 1992. And now, Katrina, 2005. 

Now, do they expect us to drop our useless politicians? Nonsense! Well, if we copy the “oyinbo” like we always do, all destructive politicians should be in graves. Or in homes. Especially, those who are not only senile, but greedy, deceitful and dangerous to human species. But we only borrow the ones that affect the masses, don’t we?

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Sept 17, 2005