A New Preacher Has Come to Town

 

Children of God p-r-a-i-s-e the Lord! Ha-lle-lu-jah! Amen?! Amen! As directed by the Holy Spirit, I’m happy to announce to you that a new preacher is in town. This new ‘man of God’ does not need much introduction for we all know him. By his fruits. As our tormentor! But thank God, today, he is different. Amen!

 

Brethren, as we all know, today in the history of the church is ‘demon-crazy’ day. Well, as your interpreter, it’s my duty to explain some things. Not everything- o! So, if the new preacher says “the devil is a liar,” ask him what the devil said. Because I only work with people, not the devil. Okay, I admit. I’ve read that portion of the scripture entitled, ‘This devil called man.’

 

Well, since I’m to interpret what the ‘preacher’ says, permit me to introduce him. Brethren, this ‘man of God,’ a few days back, almost sat on superglue. Propelled by the ‘evil forces,’ he ordered superglue companies to supply him the stuff so he could gum his seat. Ah! Still intoxicated with a drink call ‘Greed and power,’ he almost sat on it. God forbids! The persistent shouts from the masses brought him to reality. And he sobered up. A changed man! 

 

 You see, a few months back, but for the grace of God, he didn’t even know that kerosene was more expensive Lexus jeep. Then, he was ‘blind’. Now, he can see. Praise the Lord! This wonderful ‘man of God’ who now ‘speaks in tongues’ of angels, is our modern-day Saul. In fact, he once called a pastor “total idiot”. But, didn’t the scripture teach that “old things” should  “passed away”?  Except our hunger. And poverty. Anyway, please, join me to welcome Reverend, Doctor, Farmer, Pastor, President, Saint Matthew. Give him a ‘standing Ovation’ magazine! E-n-h-e-n! Welcome Sir!

 

Saint Matthew: Thank you. Children of God, without wasting time, I’m reading from gospel according to Saint Matthew – the interpreter would tell you the chapters and verses, after the service. It goes thus: “God has been kind to us. We have overcome adversaries and challenges. We have come out…stronger…”

Interpreter: (He’s reading all the chapters and verses combined): Nigerians, I tried to torment all of you to death at once with starvation but failed. Even when I increased fuel price every week, you survived the attendant hunger and hardship. God fed you. And even made you conscious enough to challenge me when I rubbed superglue like cream, in order to stay put.

 

Saint Matthew: “…We have also shown that irrespective of personality or regime type, we believe in democracy, the will of the people…As a people that have witnessed and suffered from bad governance and dictatorship, we all value our freedoms in every way possible.”

Interpreter: (Well, when he uses “we,” he means “you”). You people have shown me that I have a sickness called dictatorship in my blood. No matter how hard I used bribe and intimidation, the will of the people was stronger. Well, as a ‘born again(st)’ man of God, I don’t blame you people. I’d always known that many of you suffered from my bad governance and dictatorship. I just didn’t care. But glory be to God you valued your freedom, which to me meant only one thing – more power!

 

Saint Matthew: “…we are beginning to enjoy…massive inflow of investors and investments, rapid economic growth, better infrastructure, unprecedented debt relief…”

Interpreter: (If you are confused by his language, just read his lips. Let me attempt to summarize what he said. Thus says the preacher): Some of us in government who suffer malaria often can testify that we see investors everyday in our dreams. Some of you who complain that investors and investments are not coming probably have typhoid. We dream of rapid growth of everything - including economy. Well, it’s not my fault that even cassava in our backyard has refused to grow. But we have to pretend to be growing, abi? So we make a show of exporting even electronics to China. And medicine to India! And even air to Heaven! 

By better infrastructure, the preacher meant the ‘roads’ created by his defunct 3^rd term ambition into some private pockets. And “unprecedented debt relief”  means women have stopped packing out of their husbands’ homes simply because they borrow money but can’t pay back. Not because they’ve forgiven the men, but because it’s difficult to find a man who doesn’t owe his wife.

 

Saint Matthew: “…democracy must, like love, be nurtured, protected, appreciated, encouraged and massaged at all times”. P-ra-i-se the Lord!

Interpreter: (The preacher is using coded language here. He is saying): Help! I’m very romantic! In fact, I’m drunk with it. Hic! That’s why many women stole my beds. When I was younger and took women to Mama Kaduna Nzeogwu’s house, I usually “massaged” love – “at all times”. Hic! P-ra-i-se the God!

 

Saint Matthew: “We must not take things for granted or assume that the coast is clear and all things are normal”

Interpreter: I’m warning you people- o. Don’t go to sleep – o. Okay, if you must sleep, lock your doors – o. Don’t tempt me to try another suicide called tenure or whatever elongation –o. I don’t want your blood on my hands...sorry, my blood on your clothe. An evil spirit may force a ‘confabulation’ into my head again. Ahmadu Ali is my witness.

Saint Matthew: “We must not …heap insults and invectives on one another…”

Interpreter: (Yeah! Unless you are Obasanjo or Ali). You must not call another person “coward”, “security threat”, “rascal” “idiot”. Or “total idiot.”Or even “CAN, my foot”! If you do that, it’s indicative of your background – PDP.

 

Saint Matthew: “It is only through prayer, hard work, collective vigilance and undiluted loyalty…”

Interpreter: You  have to become prayer warriors otherwise, I might increase fuel price thrice before I go. As a parting gift. You must work hard. And to all lazy “idiots”, that should include ‘target shooting’. Like aiming your ‘piss’ at the inside of the toilet and not the floor. Or the toilet seat! 

Anyway, everybody must join the vigilance groups. You can even invite robbers to help fight a common enemy – the police.  Since the police have now taken over the job of the robbers. 

Well, in case you want to dilute something, do it to mentholated spirit, ‘ogogoro’, or even engine oil. Not to my loyalty. The Saint Matthew scripture, as confirmed by the new PDP constitution, says this is a garrison regime. Loyalty must be concentrated. Amen?!

 

Saint Matthew: “Those who want to be respected must learn to respect others. Insults and abuses are also indications of bankruptcy of ideas and weakness of argument”

Interpreter: If you want respect, go and buy it from Oyingbo market. Me? I don’t need it, so I don’t respect anybody – including Mr rule of law. Insults and abuses come from empty pocket. And heads like mine ( bankrupt). And most times, it’s a fellow who hasn’t the strength to fight that abuses the other more (The preacher calls it “weakness of argument”). Praise the Lord!

 

Saint Matthew: “…forget the pains of the past and hold olive branches..”

Interpreter: If the past did not cause you pain, then forget it. It’s easy to forget what you never experienced. Be useful to yourself, start olive oil business. It’s not for the money. You might need the oil during harmatan. And if you can’t uproot the tree, settle for the branches. You might need it soon, when NLC orders strike against another fuel price hike.

Brethren, that’s the end of the sermon, according to Saint Matthew. May the Lord by with you, amen.

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  June 03, 2006