Thomas Crooks Thomas Crooks was just an ordinary guy until he listened to his overtaxed brain. Brain: Do you know you can be famous? Crooks: How? Brain: By attempting the infamous! So, Crooks picked his father’s AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle. He listened to his confused brain again and headed to a rally nearby. Minutes later, he did a crooked thing by firing at Donald Trump! Crooks wasn't a known professional crook. But he obviously had a enough crooked mind to store explosives in his car and home. Yes, the Trump shooter was one man. But his name, “Crooks,” gave the impression of a multiple negative character. His crooked act and plans probably justified the addition of letter “s” to a his name, making him one but many crooks! Crooks’ “crooked shot missed Trump by an inch. Thomas Crooks was probably so crooked that he couldn't think straight. But thank God he couldn't shoot straight, either. Otherwise, the world would have missed a daring, straight...
I felt like hugging VP Atiku Abubakar after September 3. Bear hug. He doesn’t know it yet, but I like him. Not because the man is so beautiful, no. And I’m certainly not one of the estimated 10,000 gays in Nigeria. I simply admire his guts telling Nigerians that the government has “no serious agenda” for them. After calling off the Sept 3 Federal Executive Council (FEC), the VP was quoted variously as saying there was “no serious agenda”, “not enough issues on agenda” and “no business” to discuss at the meeting. Which all mean the same thing, right?
The problem is not the meeting. Who cares if they meet or not? Long ago, some of us knew that the FEC was fake. Most times, what they discuss (?) are never actualised. Only “serious agenda” - like the latest fuel price hike? - ever get implemented. We know now that in such instances, no one discusses anything. They only get briefings.
The problem is Atiku insulting Nigerians. How can a man who found himself in Aso Rock because he promised to engage in a business called Nigeria tell us there is “no business”? In other words, Atiku has no programme. No policy. No project. No plan for us. Like Lagbaja, there is nothing for us from Atiku, his oga, PDP and the rest of them.
Imagine! Four months into a term, the agenda has gone dry. A supposed term of continuity for supposed good governance. Suddenly, “no business!” They’ve no business for us. They see no business in us. They have no business with us. Not anymore. After all, they’re already in power. They won’t need our votes. INEC is there to “vote” for them. I weep. A tear and a sob.
Well, it’s been long those in manufacturing and trading cried that there was “no business”. MAN (Manufacturers’ Association of Nigeria) members who had “no business” have long packed shop. So, what is he still doing there? The “no biz” VP is even eyeing another “continuity” by becoming the president in 2007.
There used to be a bit of business, until Atiku and Obasanjo came on the scene. Then, no biz, anymore. But, no one ever expected that in a so-called democracy, we would ever have a candid VP that has “no business” for his people. For Atiku, even a formality like FEC has become a burden. It is now a no biz. The businesses of state, the essence of government, the pursuit of the we-agenda, have become burdensome. Simply put, they are the biz of burden. Why? Is it because there is no more viable project to privatise? Probably.
A curious child once asked his politician father: “Dad, what’s the objective of government?” The father said, “it is the greatest good of the greatest number”. “But, what is the greatest number?” The politician eyed the boy for a while, then said: “The greatest number is No1, stupid”. That explains why Atiku has not resigned, even though he has no “serious agenda” for the nation. That explains why the No.2 man is interested in No.1 in 2007. Now, what counts is the I- agenda. The individual, not the collective.
For our leaders, the main focus is their pockets, their families and themselves. Those constitute the “immediate constituency”. Anytime there is no issue that would benefit that constituency, it is not important. To them, hunger, joblessness, bad roads, insecurity are not “serious issues”. They don’t merit the FEC agenda. Why should they when the “immediate constituency” is well covered? They fly first class, so they don’t feel the bad roads. They live in concrete-fenced structures. Well protected with policemen paid from the collective purse. Whereas, the poor are left to the whims of the bandits.
Didn’t Atiku and his PDP promise to protect us all? Was security not one of the very serious issues implied in the umbrella of the party? Now, have they forgotten that the umbrella was supposed to be of the family size? Now, how many people are in it?
Once, a politician went out with his wife’s umbrella. On return, the woman noticed that the thing was missing. She confronted oga, who admitted he forgot it at a meeting venue. The angry lady said: “And to think that the affairs of the nation are trusted to a man who doesn’t know enough to take care of an umbrella.” Where is the PDP umbrella, now? Why is it that only a privileged few are covered? Why are the masses still in the rain? Rain of armed robbers’ bullets. Under the rain because there are no affordable houses. In the rain because of poor transport system. Many of us are in the rain of hardship. And the PDP umbrella, which Atiku and Obasanjo lifted during campaigns, has suddenly shrunk to cover only their “immediate constituency”.
Who says security alone is not enough to fill the agenda for a whole term? Have we not been told that everything these days depends on security? If the environment is not secure, the investors would not come, even if Obasanjo travels to all the planets. Not even aliens in UFO would.
- First published in Saturday Sun of Sept 27, 2003
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