Thomas Crooks Thomas Crooks was just an ordinary guy until he listened to his overtaxed brain. Brain: Do you know you can be famous? Crooks: How? Brain: By attempting the infamous! So, Crooks picked his father’s AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle. He listened to his confused brain again and headed to a rally nearby. Minutes later, he did a crooked thing by firing at Donald Trump! Crooks wasn't a known professional crook. But he obviously had a enough crooked mind to store explosives in his car and home. Yes, the Trump shooter was one man. But his name, “Crooks,” gave the impression of a multiple negative character. His crooked act and plans probably justified the addition of letter “s” to a his name, making him one but many crooks! Crooks’ “crooked shot missed Trump by an inch. Thomas Crooks was probably so crooked that he couldn't think straight. But thank God he couldn't shoot straight, either. Otherwise, the world would have missed a daring, straight...
Sometimes, I don’t know what is wrong with my head. That is, beyond the grey hair. You see, after the launch of last week’s Book of Revelations,written by Obasanjo and Atiku, my head started talking nonsense. Well, part of the book said some ‘big men’ have been stealing our money. It even suggested that if I push my grandmother in a wheelbarrow to Baba’s bed, she’s likely to return with a jeep. Did I hear somebody say: amen!? Anyway, very unexpectedly, my stupid head jumped to a conclusion – following the bestseller. “This scandal will be the last achievement of this ‘nonsense’ democracy,” it claimed. But it goofed!
Look, this government has done a lot for this nation. In fact, it has even done the ones it never promised to do. Like increasing fuel prices every two weeks. Bulldozing houses. Buying cars for some widows and oldie-grandmamma-youngie ‘girlfriends.’ And, hey! Baba’s democracy has watered the nation with more human blood than the civil war!
Ok, Agric economists claim if crops are not watered properly, they die of drought. But when the water is too much, nko? Ah! Flood! Check your calendar from 1999. Natural disaster! And, where they refuse to happen, we create some. National disasters - pogroms! Religious crises! Remember Zaki Biam, Odi, Kanu, Jos, etc? Add the unprecedented plane crashes of last year. And a First Lady’s ‘suicide’ away from home!
And now, ladies and, well, gentlemen! This regime has buried more Generals – during peace time - than any war ravaged nation. This is a ‘bloody democracy’! And not even Osama bin Ladin, Idi Amin and Sadam Hussien combined can challenge Baba’s record.
Well, now that we’ve used 13 full-blooded Generals to fertilize the land of Abuja, what next? Lip-probe. But first, the Presidential Stakeholders Meeting! Where some ‘morons’ would be ‘talked at.’
Oga: As we mourn the departed souls of our dear heroes (as if they died fighting a war), we must ask ourselves what went wrong? I want everybody to speak his mind openly; we are here to find solutions.
1st Stakeholder: Sir, I think the military has been neglected for too long…
Oga: “Shut up! How can you say a thing like that? Do you know more than me? Have you forgotten that I am a General? A commander-in-thief, sorry chief? If you don’t know, I command other thieves and they obey. And that is an enormous responsibility, considering the number of thieves – official and unofficial – we have in this country. Not to mention the amounts they loot. Besides, to show you that I have the interest of this nation’s treasury at heart, I’ve also taken upon myself the responsibility of writing a book for my children. It’s called: Looting Nigeria. So, if I’m not complaining, you have no reason to. Now, somebody else!”
2nd Stakeholder: Sir, since you said we are here to find solution…
Oga: Look, don’t waste our time. This meeting was called for stakeholders. But, as far as I can see, you are not holding any stake. Just your umbrella. Next person!
3rd Stakeholder: Well, to find solution, we must be able to tell ourselves the truth. And the truth is that the military is in a bad shape…
Oga: “Hey! We are not here for rhetorics. We are here for action. If you say the military is in bad shape, then send it to the panel-beater. Now, this is a serious matter that requires serious solution. And here is the resolution of this meeting. First, we have agreed that all military men must do exercise six times a day – before and after meals! You see, if those Generals were fit, they would have left that 1970 Donnier on the highway and climbed the Obudu hill on foot. That’s what I do often – I climb all the women, I mean mountains, jare, without help! Even Governor Igbinedion recorded his only achievement in office by climbing a mounting and throwing a bash, later. I think he deserves to have that on his CV; after all, it’s not easy to climb Kilimanjaro Mountain - using moustache as climbing ropes and guide. “
“Hey! Is that not the Minister of Defence drooling saliva? Wake him up to sign this communiqué. That’s the end of the meeting. Meanwhile, we are going to privatise the military. Transcorp has already signified interest in buying everything – although I heard Dangote has resigned. BPE ngbo? Do you think that boy is tired of buying Nigeria? I hereby order a probe. Anyway, I’m told our ‘reformed soldiers’ would be sent to Sudan – for a fee. And all the ‘spoil’ would be used to pay for the bid. The same way we did to Hilton and NITEL. Ask no question; meeting closed.”
It’s exactly that mentality that people should not ask questions that keeps our mouths open always. ‘We’ are never permitted the luxury of asking questions. So, when ‘they’ take shocking actions, we’re left mouth agape. When their negligence, actions and inactions cause catastrophe, our jaws hang open.
But we must not talk. Because – oh, forget the pretense! – we’re still under military influence. And, by the jackboot mentality, questions amount to disrespect to authority. To elders. Ask Ahmadu Ali, who’s now propagating blind-respect for civilians. Ask no question; do as you are told. Garrison respect; blind loyalty! Even when they steal the nation dry? Haba!
If the military had raised alarm since that its planes were rusty, we probably wouldn’t be ‘planting’ 13 Generals like yam. Why didn’t they say something, when the nation’s focus was on the aviation industry? When bombs exploded at Ikeja Cantonment, the nation was promised a ‘reformed military.’ After that, nobody in the military asked questions about the presidential promises. Those in service/power never talk of injustice, poor facilities, poor welfare conditions, etc until they are out. By then, it’s usually too late. Because they merely come out to join the growing band of wretched military pensioners, whose homes are sometimes outside the Ministry of Defence in Abuja. Please, tell no one –o. I don’t want Ali to accuse me of disrespect for elders. Or for the military to accuse me of talking on their behalf.
- First published in Saturday Sun of Sept 23, 2006
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