Booty’s In the Eyes of the Beholder

 

Warning: The Pastor General of the Federation has warned that anyone reading this column may be tempted to sin. And the Attorney General says it’s dangerous to health. The pastor quotes from a book called “Divine Law” and the attorney uses “Criminal Law.” But both agree, for once, that this column is capable of inducing laughter, thereby forcing you to become a public nuisance. Symptoms, I’m told, include suppressed laughter; indiscriminate “shaking” and compulsive appetite for continuous reading.

 

In that case, I am the only “saint” here - free from any health implications - because I refused to read it after writing. I have long found out that the only way to avoid the “Nigerian infection” is to stop reading, completely. In fact, these days, I behave more like Obasanjo and Abacha – I don’t read anything apart from my family budget. And, well, the words on my daughter’s pinafore: “My daddy is a village idiot.” 

 

Well, a nurse has told me that boycotting reading could be to my own peril – especially after I refused to read instructions on a medicine bottle. I actually thought there was no need after she told me to “shake before use.” I just went outside and shook myself to stupor. A lecturer-friend later told me the “shake” was for the bottle. 

 

You see, I hate reading because it interferes with eating. And my genuine effort to make my bank account look like Tafa’s tummy. Problem here is that if you read “too much”, you end up being idealistic like Audu Ogbe. That’s why the man was penniless in the Second Republic. Now, Obasanjo says he didn’t repeat the mistake. Hey! We’re just tired of too much ideas. What we need now is implementation.  Action. Yes, we want pragmatic ways of making money.  

 

Experts say reading culture has been on the low in recent years. But note:  it’s not only “reading” that has gone down. Culture too has been on the decline. The authentic African culture of moderation, selflessness and reading the shadows.

 

Tafa Balogun, our ex-supercop read all the books he could find and got all the Law degrees. Later, he read the riot acts to hungry police men, arrested those who extorted N20 from motorists and got national honours. He read the PDP election manual, helped INEC rig elections and kept the “thank you” package. Then, he read the Okija register and the gods   changed it into “fat” currency notes in his account. Now, he’s gone with the Okija patrons list and we may never know those who burnt Anambra State. You see, Tafa is a wise man – very learned. But it was only when he stopped reading - his bank books - that he got the boots. That shows he lacked the right culture.

I swear, if he had been “cultivating” his eyes (on moderation), he probably would have noticed that he was getting richer than some states. Then, if he checked his ways, perhaps, he would have “read the lips” of the guy who opened the “drum” (not just “can”) of worms that nailed him. With a few naira notes stuffed between the guy’s angry lips, the dog would not only have been left lying, it would still be sleeping. 

 

Reading builds your experience, the power of introspection and reflection (I’m improving on my oyinbo, abi?) Anyway, reading builds your immunity against stupidity – even though you end up smelling like a he-goat – since you can’t bath with a book between your toes. But be consoled, for body odour, experts say, now acts as mosquito repellant. 

 

Moderation! For “too much” reading may make you lazy and nonchalant; in fact, idealistic. Ask Ogbeh. But if you are as smart as Tafa and the Area Boys, it might ginger your thirst for more, depending on what you read – higher naira denominations or bags of marijuana? God have mercy if you’re “materialistic” enough to read a book by Tafa Balogun entitled, How To Make Billions From A Crocked System. Chances are that your thirst would grow “physically” as fat as the author’s frame and account lodgments. Well, this may then buttress the point that you are what you think. If you think big, you would be a BIGman like Chris Ekepnyong, the deputy governor of Akwa Ibom. Or you may grow as fat as the character in a movie called, “Tafa and his booty”. By the way, have you tried spelling “Tafa” backwards? Good homework, see? A part of your reading practice!

 

Reading is very important in a society – if only everybody decides to read the same thing. Like, The Making of A Civilian-Dictator, a bestseller published by an Otta farmer. Some prefer to “read meaning” into everything, instead of reading books. For instance, Nigerians are now ready to read, “The Robber-cop”, instead of, “Tafa, the Super-cop”. Mr. Tunji Abayomi, Tafa’s lawyer, says that’s a wrong attitude in a capitalist clime. “There is no crime in being wealthy”, he says. And I agree. The problem, I think, is Obasanjo. He told Tafa to check the “increasing” crime rate. But never told the man not to “increase” both in bulk and bulge. He told him to “catch” thieves but never told him not to put police money in private accounts.

 

Okay, I confess. I have been reading a few things lately. I’ve been reading lips on the proposed National Dialogue. And I’ve nominated my grandmother to represent my family because she knows the history of how we came to be. My interest, actually, is not in the stories we would hear from the jamboree. We heard enough of those at the much-publicised Oputa panel. But expectation never met the actual. The fine grammar and arguments were later reduced into a report that Obasanjo kept in his kitchen.  He never read it. What then is the guarantee that the diversionary dialogue would yield anything beyond the loots? So, for now, I’ve been warned by my optician to keep my eyes on the booty – if I ever want to win the presidential election in 2007.The way he put it, like Linda Sharp, “booty is in the eye of the beholder”. 

 

Did I actually say 2007? I meant 7002. Oh, hell! I may not live that long. Anyway, forget the year, jare! I’ve stopped planning for any election in 2007 because when the national dialogue ends, many would start asking “earnestly” for Obasanjo. Or Obasanjo would “earnestly ask” people to ask for him to save the world. Some would threaten suicide, if he left. And then…the hand of God!

 

We’ve seen this dialogue thing before. Call it whatever name. IBB did it.  Abacha, too. Now, Obasanjo struggles everyday with agbada, as if that makes democracy. Neither does political dialogue make a Sovereign National Conference. His “Ankara show” can only result in shakara. And all those in support of the charade are only eyeing the booty.

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Feb 05, 2005