Census In My Friend’s Toilet

 

 

Things are really changing for the better in this country, especially Education. As a kid, I carried heavy slates to school and started counting with sticks. And they called us pupils. These days, even those in adult education classes use better things for counting – houses and human heads! And they get a more dignified name – enumerators. Not counters - o! 

 

Well, I heard some “disgruntled” fellows have been going around counting peoples’ houses. Sometimes, they just write with chalk on your wall and walk away, while you’re watching TV in the sitting room.

Landlord: Hey! Why are you counting my house? And why are you writing on my wall?

Fellow: Sah, I am doing census.

Landlord: Are you a counter or a head hunter? 

Fellow: No Sah, I’m Enumerator.

 

 True, I heard these has been on these past days, but I don’t know what it’s about. 

Me: Mrs. Enumerator, are you people counting houses or human beings? 

Enumerator: Sah, I swear, we are not doing any of those things you mentioned. We are only doing headcount and house enumeration!

 

Well, for two days, my wife, kids and other members of my family – cockroaches, rats, geckos, lizards, flies and mosquitoes - waited to be counted – along with all their heads. Nobody showed up, except on TV - usually in the night. Then, they would complain of non-payment of allowances and lack of materials. Each time they say that, I had more reasons to go to work the next day. And, as usual, I took my head along. So, even if anybody visited my home in my absence, there’s no way he could’ve counted my head. What if they decided in my absence to shave my head? If they wanted to count me, maybe I would’ve understood. But my head? Another kettle of fish!

 

Okay, the enumerators found their way to a friend’s house on the fourth day.

Enumerator: Sah, are you the head of this house?

My Friend: What do you mean? Is it the head you want to count or the house?

Enumerator: We are doing headcount and we would only count the head of the house.

My Friend: Anyway, as you can see, this house has no head. It only has roof.

Enumerator: Okay, is your roof made of zinc or paper? And, did you nail it yourself? 

My Friend: If you want newspapers, they fill my toilet.

Enumerator: Sah, you mean you have toilet here? Has it carpet or tiles? And what is the toilet for – wee-wee or pooh-pooh?

 

General Baba Obasanjo said it was an offence not to be counted. Under Mantu’s constitution, abi? So, wasn’t it an offence to be deceived to stay home for all those days? Wasn’t it an offence for those in charge of logistics to make it impossible for some of us not to be counted? They made some lame excuses about enumerators’ money being in the banks. Liars! Did the exercise come suddenly? How come the money was not withdrawn and the fellows paid as census went on?

The only thing I enjoyed about the census was that all my enemies were indoors. Especially those who scratch my car and curse me daily on Lagos roads for driving slowly; and often indicating before turning off the roads. Only some of us on “essential duties” were on the roads – bread sellers, akara hawkers, and UEFA Championship street footballers! 

 

Now, if we count houses, how come nobody thought of counting cars? By the way, who would count the counters? And when would Nigeria hold a real census, where humans would be counted and not heads? 

 

FROM YOU TO ME

Breathtaking!

Two weeks ago, I picked a copy of 'Saturday Sun'. I ignored the headlines and earnestly flipped through the pages of the newspaper in search of 'The Reality'. To my disappointment, I didn't see it, or so it seemed. Then, immediately, my heart began to beat so fast and I felt so disheartened. But when I finally calmed down and searched the paper thoroughly, I saw 'The Reality'. How relieved I felt at last! Dear Usoro, I like your style of writing. Your articles are breathtaking; they are educative, informative, and, above all, entertaining. You are a rare genius. You are great. Please keep it up.

Obinna Francis, Ishiagu, Ebonyi State.

"obinna francis" <obinnafrancis4u@yahoo.com>  

………….

Hi! Usoro your write up is the oil used to lubricate million of souls who no longer hope in  this present dispensation. Keep it up. 

Chris, Port Harcourt. 08025289905.

 

Obong-owo, you mean that you had a good picture like this since but you kept feeding our eyes with the one that looks like Ekpenyong’s masquerade.

 Cheers! Okokon. 08032558566.

 

Hi! Usoro, want  to commend your writing style. It has now become one of my favorites. More grease to your writing elbows. 

08023115283.

 

Usoro, you stubborn chicken! You are hereby invited to EFCC for daring to oppose third term and if you fail to honour the invitation, you will be declared bird-flu effected. Please, keep on the good work.

 Magnus Kubwa, 08053814758.

 

Usoro promise me you will not stop writing or I will invite the EFCC for you. 

08051970685.

 

You’re simply amazing. A very intelligent article, touching many of our Nigerian issues, yet breathtakingly hilarious. And your style? Haven’t read anything like what you have got. I really appreciate you for such an awesome work. 

08020364485.

 

You touched my life, my weekend is never complete until I read your column. Keep the good work.  

0802659925.

 

Your head as an egg shape. How am I sure you did not steal the egg from abia Ibok. You’re the   bomb, keep it up. You’re a blessing to Akwa Ibom. 

Ettiene, 08024354445.

 

Please can you change your name from Usoro to basket mouth? You have no secret in your cupboard. 

IK, 08033238399.

 

I have made proper arrangements to drag you to EFCC and ICPC any day you fail to write. I will demand for my money back.

 James, Lagos. 08032172220.

 

Usoro I think your brain should be examined, I doubt if you are human at all, you are 3 much. Keep down, oh sorry, keep up the good job. 

Ayo Ola, 08026758260.

 

In all my life of reading columns, I never became addicted to anyone, with “The Reality” being an exception. Thanks for serving us. A great admirer.

080365556358.

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  March 25, 2006