Congratulations to Me. But On What?

 

 

These days, mischief makers meet me at public places – like airport toilets - and smile like roasted goats. The first time it happened, I thought they mistook me for a celebrity. So, I tried a return-smile. But the fellows blocked the way and demanded I should pay for their smile. And drinks. “Congrats, jare! Make we wash am now?!”

 

I swear, I had no idea what they were talking about. To make matters worse, none of them looked like my dry cleaner. So, what were they washing? “Ah! You think we don’t know? Your sister is now controlling a B-I-G soup pot, bobo-mi! Abi na ya mama?” I was lost. 

 

Well, suddenly, I’m becoming a toast. People now ask me funny questions, expecting that my big head must contain all the answers. Then, as a favour, they invite me to lunch. But expect me to pick the bills. All on the false belief that as a celebrity, I’m very rich. Or can eat and walk out of the restaurant without a plate cracking on my head. If I try to complain, they insist that my family now ‘controls’ a soup pot! 

 

But I know nothing about any soup pot. Not even the one in my kitchen. And if there is soup in it or not, I can’t tell. As a rule, especially when I’m ‘fasting’, sorry, rushing to work, I hate to enter the kitchen. Ah! I avoid it like Atiku avoids Obasanjo particularly when I’m broke. I hate to be locked in the kitchen for not producing feeding money. So, what the hell was the ‘congratulations’ blab about?

 

Well, my detractors insist that I should to be very happy and grateful. I’m supposed to rejoice for receiving ‘congratulations’ over another person’s sweat! But I’m scared the police might accuse me of stealing, impersonation and well, illegal happiness!

 

Look, ever since Mrs. Mfon Usoro was appointed the DG of NIMASA (Nigerian Maritime Administration and Safety Agency) - or whatever its new name - I’ve not rested. On her behalf, I’ve received more goodwill messages than PDP got legitimate vote. Yet, we’ve never met! Please, whoever knows her should warn her to come and evacuate her ‘congratulations’ from my house and office. My drawers in the office are filled with them. Cups, plates and bottles in my house, too! If that woman doesn’t show up soon to move her ‘load,’ I would charge her demurrage. I might even sue her for ‘unlawful packing and illegal diversion of congratulations’! 

 

But Mrs. Usoro isn’t the only source of my new concern.  The other day, one ‘detractor’ – I’ve many of them in containers - congratulated me on General Obasanjo’s visit to my state. “Ol’ Boy, you should be happy,” he said. “At least, Baba didn’t crack any head in your state. He only cracked jokes. And even when he did not see Independent Power Project, Ibom Airport or Five Star Hotel to commission, he didn’t break anything - like drinking glass or TV camera. He only did ground-breaking”. But, that’s really the problem. Now that the man has broken all the grounds in Akwa Ibom, where would my people farm? Or walk? I’m not even sure the roads he commissioned are safe. 

 

Well, my ‘detractor’ spoke from ignorance. Baba ‘broke’ something else – Attah’s pet-dream. He ‘broke’ the airport design. The runway was to take up the road leading to Oron from Uyo. But bombarded by a series of petitions and oppositions, Obasanjo thundered:  “I have said that the road between Uyo and Oron must not be closed.” Case closed!

 

Me? I deserve no praise on Baba’s visit. Who knows me? Rather, the pat should go to Attah’s media/public relations damagers, sorry, managers. Out of their naivety, selfishness and greed, they ignored the ‘minor’ opposition from Oron people over the airport issue. Instead of educating and sensitizing the citizens, they trusted State might. 

 

Anyway, I’m getting more worried that my ‘detractors’ even spill over to other countries. I was still worried about the ones here, when another wrote from Canada. He gave me a punch tougher than Obasanjo’s TKO to Bash Ali. Hey! If you missed that match, then you need to be flogged with a broomstick. It was on AIT, with Baba wearing an oversized boxing-glove and Bash Ali smiling like grandfather toad!

 

Anyway, my Canadian friend felt Nigeria’s rulers need to do WASC exams at Aro. “Congrats! I heard your country is about to reintroduce tollgate. I think it’s a good idea. After spending N360milion to demolish them two years ago, somebody would be seen as doing something. At least, to justify the next billions that would be looted. Nigeria is really moving forward in the opposite direction. What happened to that psychiatric examination that somebody suggested for politicians sometime ago? It might not be a bad idea, you know.” 

 

Ah! Insult upon corruption! Wallahi, the moment Obasanjo buys that his nuclear weapon, I would send bird flu to that guy through email. Nonsense! I hate busybodies, who see nothing good in squandering national pride and money. That tollgate thing is an ingenious way of covering up the ‘last minute’ looting scramble. It’s as cleverly stupid as trying to introduce an Interim National nonsense after the death of 3^rd term. So, please, that idiot should send his ‘congratulatory message’ to Aso Rock. Chikena!

 

From Russia, another idiot - a criminal professor, sorry, a Professor of Criminology – congratulated me on the ‘resourcefulness’ of our Police.  “My friend, congrats. Your police are very hardworking. Well, I heard they have been often accused of ‘bribery and collection’, but are they all from the Niger Delta?” 

I really didn’t get the drift, so I wrote back: “Well, our Police are not that bad. At least, they are never involved in bribery, only in the ‘collection’. The operative word is ‘involved’- which is the only way to ensure national security. In your case, your Police are always never ‘involved’– they neither bribe nor collect. However, I don’t understand what you mean by all Nigerian Police coming from Niger Delta. As a matter of fact, we don’t encourage state-police. That is why they are only ‘sent’ – sometimes posted, wired, radioed or even emailed - to local governments. And road junctions, stupid! Now, mind your national business.”

 

Very unexpectedly, the fellow wrote back: “Well, my friend, take no offence. Instead, you can take bribe. My question about your policemen/women all coming from Niger Delta is because I heard that zone is dominated by water. And their main occupation is fishing. Since your police are always talking about ‘fishing’, I was forced to think they are from the Ijaw stock. In recent times, whenever a crime is committed, your IG (of Police) is always talking about ‘going a-fishing’. When does he actually track down the criminals? That may explain why crime rate is too high in your country. I suggest instead of ‘fishing out’ robbers, assassins, etc, he should ‘arrest’ them. Catching criminals is serious business. Fishing is sport”. Good lecture, abi? But I think both the lecture and ‘congratulations’ should go to Ehindero and his men in black. Not me. Amen!

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  August 19, 2006