Every Idiot Needs a NAFDAC Number

 

 

Anybody who claims he’s not an idiot should raise his hand. Did I see one up?  You must be “a half idiot” for trying to defend yourself. Imagine! Was he trying to provoke me? Look! I may not have the “talent” of identifying  “a total idiot” like the president-general of Nigeria. But I have a feeling there are too many idiots around here. Some may be fake but that’s not my business. Dr Dora Akunyili should do her job, joor! Or was NAFDAC not created to “fish out” “bad eggs,”  “rotten meat” and other adulterated or fake products? 

 

Now, how come NAFDAC left one stone “unturned” by not grading all the idiots in the society? If that had been done, with NAFDAC number complete, General Olusegun Obasanjo would not have had problem identifying an idiot last week. Since he called Rev. Yakubu Pam “a total idiot,” Nigerians have been raising hell as if Baba lied. But we all know that the king-general never lies. He does no wrong. He’s all knowing. And identifying idiots is not difficult. It doesn’t even require a presidential foul temper. So, nobody should repeat that nonsense about taking an idiot to identify an idiot.

 

In a nation like ours, idiots come two a kobo. There’s even a site on the internet where your degree of “idiotness” can be tested.  It’s tagged: “How to know you are 100% idiot”. A simple question goes: “Are you an idiot?’ Two boxes are provided for “Yes” and “No.” However, if you think you could be smart like Pam and so try to click on “No,” it automatically turns to “Yes.” Next question: “Is it impossible this test could be wrong?” Again, you try to play smart by clicking on “No.” But it always changes to “Yes.” Conclusion: Everybody is an idiot. 

 

In this era where NAFDAC labs have all been razed, the internet self-test shows that Pam didn’t need Obasanjo to tell him the degree of his “idiotness.” Pam may be an idiot. But so are we all. In fact, harassed by government’s ineptitude and reckless insensitivity, nobody owes anybody an apology for being an idiot. Idiot is supposed to be “a stupid person or someone who has done something stupid.” And, there are so many people among us, who at one time or another, do “something stupid.”  Yet, the greatest idiots we have are in government. The Nigerian Constitution sets out the right path for government functionaries, but they chose to be “stupid” by half. Take the mass protest, for instance. Between the Police Public Order Act (that the government invokes in scuttling mass protests) and the Constitution, which overrides which? When legislators fight over money on the floor of the chambers, are they not idiots?  When the judiciary gives conflicting judgments on matters very obvious to even the laymen, are they not idiots? A president-general, who claims to be a Christian, yet ignores the biblical injunction that he should respect religious leaders, is he living above the “idiot” level? 

 

Everyone is an idiot at something. The pastor may be an idiot, when it comes to running the Presidency, but no matter his level of Christianity, Obasanjo can’t run a church.  A surgeon could be an idiot when it comes to operating a computer and a rocket scientist can be an idiot at boiling water.  Yet, nobody, for instance, can claim with all authority that Obasanjo is an idiot when it comes to temper, brashness, tongue-lashing people and weeping what General Muhammadu Buhari calls “crocodile tears.” In fact, it would be insulting the office of the president to call Obasanjo “a total idiot.” He’s aware of that immunity conferred on him by the Constitution. So, he goes ahead like a bull in a china shop, calling people names and unleashing the lawless police and army on defenseless citizens on end. 

 

 We are all idiots, jare! If the government can be an idiot when it comes to our welfare, we should be allowed a little constitutional right of retaining or acquiring our own “idiotness.” And when it comes to determining the “degree” of it, Obasanjo has no right giving everything to Pam. I don’t think even a pastor CAN be that perfect, scoring 100 per cent for that matter. I would only believe it if NAFDAC says so. Even at that, we might need a quota system here.  And then, every idiot must be given NAFDAC number, each stating the level of “idiotness.”

 

Those crying foul have forgotten Obasanjo is a soldier. Did somebody say retired? Please, do not provoke me –o. Retired ke?  I saw a real army general in action last week. Real beauty in his camouflage. Well, the belt did struggle to keep the potbelly down but please, he didn’t look retired. Ironically though, a day after a “civil war” started at Kano, he surfaced in Lagos in full gear. Somewhere, there must have been a service pistol. Yet, a “total idiot” removed oga’s pip – making one naughty fellow to dial one of the phone numbers NAFDAC released last week. And he was bold enough to report sighting “an expired product” in army uniform.  

 

Well, the  swagger may have turned into a roller-skater gait, but a general is a general. He was swift in action, too. Showed his might by giving Dariye’s seat to a retired army man – his constituency. Yet, that wasn’t a coup. Presido said the governor travelled without taking permission from him. But should Dariye   be punished for being a good Obasanjo student? Anyway, anyone trying to set fire to Atlantic Ocean simply because Baba saw an idiot last week and declared a state of emergency should be arrested for “security breach.” Has anyone here forgotten that when a general talks nobody argues? Come, why should “bloody civilians” think that a mere change of cloth would change many years of acquired habit? Advance for Democracy (AD) said Baba should apologise to a “common” preacher. Apology my foot! No general ever apologises for conquering a territory. Nigeria is Obasanjo’s territory and so he can say and do what he likes. All of you “idiots” can go to hell, like he once told Odi people. Now, the new style is to declare  a state of emergency, after calm returns to a troubled state. Hence, he can even declare it on all the states that had experienced unrest since 1999 - Kano, Kaduna, Benue, Bayelsa, Lagos. 

 

Generals are meant to talk tough, even when life is involved. For, by their training, life means nothing. They are trained to talk down the enemy. Demote and demoralise him. In the army, it’s called, “putdownism.” I should know. My uncle is a retired officer. But Obasanjo remains a true general!

 

Look, all that talk about Obasanjo’s utterances harming the image (whose image, anyway) doesn’t arise. General Muhammadu Buhari even spoke of “purposeful leadership and genuine concern for the lives and welfare for the citizens.” But has he forgotten that generals are trained to act before thinking? Purposeful leadership hardly comes out of military garb, even if it’s hidden under an overflowing agbada.

 

Those splitting hairs because Obasanjo called Pam names are just courting unnecessary ulcer.  All I know is that Obasanjo was true to character. The word “idiot,” just like “bloody,” and declaring a state of emergency are in line with military culture. Chikena!

 

FROM MY MAILBOX

Why the white elephants?

  Usoro,  I quite appreciate your guts and choice of words in your piece: “My ugly face scares Attah”. Be that as it may, I would like you to ask the Obong Attah led administration the following questions;- why has the independent power plant project not been completed after five years of his (mal)administration? Why are many roads in Uyo yet to be asphalted? What is wrong with the state university project? Why is it that no single road has been constructed in Eket since the advent of his administration? When will the five star hotel become functional?  And why is the Attah-led administration embarking on white elephants? AKWA-IBOM is still underdeveloped leaving many of us indigenes to wonder what the several billions of naira being allocated the state are used for.   

 "Isaac Inwang" <isaacinwang@yahoo.com>  

 

Keep keeping on

This is just to commend on your article entitled: “Too much of everything” In fact, you got it all right. Our present leaders do too much of everything.  I urge you to keep on keeping on.

 YOUNG CHUKS <donprof2k@yahoo.co.uk>  

UNIZIK AWKA

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  May 22, 2004