I Have Bullet-Proof Air for Sale

 

I heard Senate President Ken Nnamani has just bought a car. P-r-a-i-s-e the Lord! Ah! We go wash-am-o! Really, it was long overdue. Imagine, the man was trekking round the nation, just to preside over money sharing formula in the Senate. In fact, I have it on bad authority, but promise not to tell anybody – o. Enhen! I heard it was because he always got late to the National Assembly, after a marathon trek, that’s why only Obasanjo-oriented bills were passed all this while.

 

That car is no big deal. The man must be tired of trekking from Enugu to Abuja, every day. I only got interested when I heard the jeep is for eternity – the only of its kind. Ah! A car that attracts no death – either to itself or to its user. In fact, Nnamani, one busybody said, was planning to ride in it straight to the beyond, whenever he’s tired of this corruption-ridden clime. 

 

The vehicle, I’m told, can survive any temperature – in hell or in heaven. It can survive any weather; terrain – in water, in desert or in air. It can fly – so he won’t need to do anything about the rubbished aviation sector. It can climb Mount Everest and descend the deepest ‘valley of death.’ The type replacing the Southeastern roads. So Nnamani can’t worry about going home. He doesn’t have to bother about the condition of roads – whether in the South-west; South-south or South-east. That jeep, in fact, can dive better than any submarine. So, Nnamani can’t be bothered about the dredging of River Niger. Or the state of the Niger Bridge. Or the equipping of the Navy. He can even drill oil with the jeep and not even Asari Dokubo can detect it.

 

The car is a utility. It’s everything. Does all. Including producing special oxygen for Nnamani. A different kind from the one sinful and godforsaken beings like us breathe. That’s why Nnamani has advised starving people like me to fast and pray. So that God would forgive our sins of poverty and hunger.

 

Of all the attributes of Nnamani’s new ride, what trips me is that it’s too cheap. Just  N40billion. Well, the advertised price is about N13 billion, but what does it matter? What’s N40 billion to a nation like ours, where the citizens  are forever happy? 

 

I know, my ‘detractors’ would soon say I’m jealous. Me, jealous? Lai-lai! If you see tears in my eyes, it’s not that of sadness. I’m only happy for Nnamani. It’s not easy for a Nigerian to ride a N40billion car yet nobody raises an eyebrow. That’s a legislative achievement for 2005. I know the way Lagosians look at my jalopy. They call it ‘jaga-jaga.’ But they also stare at my neighbour’s hummer jeep that costs about N15million, only. 

 

Look, Nnamani’s jeep is a pretty piece of metal. No!  Gold. It’s really not supposed to touch ground. But then, you know how we Nigerians think. If the man doesn’t  drive that car into the Senate chambers to preside over Ghana-must-go issues, we would begin to criticise him. So, he has to use it on our corrupt soil – to ensure the survival of this six-year-old ‘nascent demon-crazy.’

 

 Oh! I almost forgot. The unique vehicle was manufactured by the British Secret Service. Supervised by a fellow named James Bond.  And, as the National Assembly said, it was necessary so that Nnamani can visit everywhere in this country, unhindered. The car has the capacity to survive, surmount, superintend over every terrain – be it political, social and even religious insecurity. 

 

Son: Dad, does it mean Nnamani doesn’t already know the country he is the No 3 man in?

 

Father: S-s-s-s-sh! Don’t let them hear you-o. How many leaders know this country? They don’t even know that we poor people exist. They only know London, America, Spain, Germany, etc.

 

Son: But does he need to travel all over the country in an armoured jeep before making good, people-centred, laws?

 

Father: He doesn’t want to be shot at by his conscience. And, the road to his village is bad. So, he needs a car that can jump gullies. Besides, the man is now afraid of traveling by plane. Everybody is, yet nobody is ready to do something about it. So, the N40billion armoured jeep is to disguise his fears. I only wonder why he didn’t buy a caterpillar. 

 

I heard that, sometimes, Nnamani might not even need to be in the car. All he needs do is to send it to represent him somewhere. Or visit a particular bad spot - like my village - and report back to him. Then, he would now set up a committee to look into whatever is the matter. If a recommendation comes, shelf!

Anyway, you see, it’s now becoming clear why former Senate Presidents “failed.” From Evan(s) Enwerem, Chuba Okadigbo, Pius Anyim to Adolphus Wabara. It was the armoured jeep factor. Since none of Nnamani’s predecessors had a N40 billion bullet-proof jeep, they were susceptible to either the accusation of being weak, embezzling money; collecting bribe or being anti-Baba. Nnamani needs all our support to succeed. And, I think the jeep would help him avoid some ‘banana peels’, abi?

 

But, pray! How does a N40billion bullet-proof jeep figure in legislative functions? Is that how to fight corruption? How long has Nnamani as Senate President to warrant the jeep? If it’s merely for traveling convenience as it’s claimed, does any “terrain” in Nigeria fire bullets? So why bullet-proof jeep? The bottom-line is social insecurity; nothing to do with “terrain.” It’s the social injustice pervading the land. Nnamani’s fear originates from the boomerang effect of social neglect. Suddenly, he has realised the danger of a mismanaged; malfunctioned system.

 

Hold a minute. To avoid further “accident occasioned by misadventure” Police IG Sunday Ehindero says he needs N1billion to turn things around. Will he ever get it? Lai-lai! Soon, all the lawmakers would embark on bullet-proof jeep binge? Speaker Masari might need one, too. Meanwhile, pensioners are forever ignored in their agonies, while Nnamani hides himself in a N40billion bullet-proof jeep. But has he thought of tomorrow? Once, the rich stole our money to erect “private maximum prisons.” They called it fences. They left us to the poverty and robbers. But, sometimes,  their past seek them out - behind  those walls. Assassins still walk into their bedrooms, don’t they?

 

Now, it’s becoming a fad. The rich leave us at the mercy of insecurity. While they who encouraged the situation use everything  bullet-proof. Vests. Doors. Houses. Cars, etc. Anyway, their insatiable quest for “artificial” security has given me a business idea. So, here’s a new product you can only get from me. It’s a lifelong type that guarantees long life. So long as you use it. After paying N40billion into my bank account. This eternity-guaranteed product is called bullet-proof air! 

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Nov 12, 2005