Head-Count? I’ll Lock My Head in the Drawer.

 

Here’s the news: General Matthew Aremu Okikiola says he would go back to school next year. Sorry, I’ll take that again. Nigerian’s civilian president, General Olusegun Obasanjo, has indicated his intention to use our heads to learn how to count, next year. A very unreliable Presidential aide quoted Baba as saying that he wants to encourage adult education, by the “head-count”.  That is the news. Or was it?

 

“Head-count” in English means “census”. We’ve had a few in the past, which actually led nowhere. The current proposal may even die before delivery. The idea, I’m told, came up over a plate of pepper soup. Then, Obasanjo tried to popularise it at one of his monthly “Presidential media yabis.” A very unreliable aide said the man wants to be sure of the actual number of Nigerians he abuses on that programme wrongly believed to be widely watched.  He doesn’t even care that a majority poor can’t afford TV. Those who have can’t tune in because NEPA may have “struck” in their areas. Well, again, those blessed with TV and electricity supply often tune off, when the presido talks, because they received enough insult for one day from bus drivers, conductors, market women, bosses, uniformed personnel, etc. For them to watch the “presidential yabis” would not help their hypertension. If you then tell such people that Obasanjo wants to count their heads, they would immediately suspect that the man wants to increase fuel price again. Or introduce another strangulating tax. 

 

When Obasanjo spoke recently about the proposed 2005 census, he appeared every inch solemn. And he tried to talk serious, although many were not deceived. Already, some of us suspect that the “head-count” would help government determine if there are still people in the society with enough resilience to form effective opposition. Put another way, it might reveal how many people still have “strong head.” The fear from the presidential circle, I’m told, is that if there are still many with “coconut heads”, it might be difficult for the police to crack all with ordinary batons at the next protest march. However, what Obasanjo does not realise is that even after the attack on the opposition, the demonstration still remains a “mass action”. Even after you kill all the civilians, mass action has still taken place. If you count the crowd of policemen in attendance, then you would realise that no mass rally has ever failed in a dictatorship. By implication, the policemen are part of the mass rally. Abi?

 

Anyway, the “head-count”, we are told, would determine how many heads Nigerians have.  As if we are hydra-headed monsters. But then, I’m told, human heads allow for easier learning. That is why some of us with human heads perceive political intrigues, long before the players attempt to confuse us with what legendary Fela called “government magic.” Even though some say there is an animal called man, scientists insist that a monkey, for instance, cannot plan human development.  So, they refuse to count monkey skulls and insist on human head-count. In other words, it takes a “human being” – with foresight and selfless positive makeup - to further human progress.  

 

Obasanjo said, “Government can only effectively respond to needs when it has clear idea as to how many we are, who we are, where we are and what changes to expect in the development process." That is the beauty of government. Makes it so convenient to talk and talk what you do not even believe in. Since 1991, we’ve assumed that we are 120million. Yet, the government keeps claiming there’s not enough money to provide social infrastructure for us. So, what has “how may we are” to do with it? And what did Obasanjo mean by “who we are”? Aren’t we Nigerians anymore? Ok, “who we are,” as in class divide? Do we really need a survey of whatever name to identify “what changes to expect in the development process”? That sounds very academic. But it’s not deep enough to deceive anyone. Whoever weaved that together needs some more doing. Are we supposed to believe that we are underdeveloped because we have not had a “head-count” for years?

 

In the bid to convince (or is it confuse?) us the more, the presido double-talks. Just when we were trying to make sense out of his reason for the proposed census, he had a vision. “We see a new Nigeria but it will not emerge unless we undergo spiritual development”. God! Am I confused or what?!  When and where did spiritualism start providing social amenities? Is Ghana, for instance, more spiritual than Nigeria? I dare not mention the Asians, the United States and Europe. Isn’t the “spiritual development” thesis an excuse for impending failure?  Please, somebody should spare us. Spiritual development has a lot to do with Heaven and such places. Here, we need more of material comfort – to even keep clothing the spirit in the physical cloak. Anyway, can Obasanjo count the spirit? “Head-count” has to do with the tangible beings. And we had a few in the past, didn’t we? Only that they always ended in controversy. And there is no guarantee that the next one would be free. Forget the “fair” part of it. Even in elections, we no longer count that as part of the new democratic norm. 

 

Forget fairness. As usual, many would see it as a political vehicle towards rigging in 2007. Chairman House Committee on Population, Bashir Adamu, has already been quoted, rightly or wrongly, that “the 2005 census would be pursued adequately as a strategic policy towards the 2007 general elections”. Yet, Obasanjo says the head-count would have nothing to do with election? Who then do we believe?

If the counting is eventually done, we would all be surprised. If the figure rises above 120million, political interplay would have carried the day. And some “big-men” would kick. If we are found to be less, some big-guys would still kick. Either way, somebody losses. 

 

Well, I don’t expect that Nigerians would still be up to the phantom 120million, despite the much-touted improvement in modern medicine to curb child mortality. Why should we expect that only improved mortality and maternity figures would boost our population? When thousands are killed daily because of inherent contradictions occasioned by the government? Because of insecurity, thousands are killed daily. While many are killed by hoodlums, hundreds of others are killed by rival militias – products of government’s poor control system. Government even uses an unconventional method of population control – sending soldiers to decimate highly populated communities. Then, by its ill-motivated political decisions, creates conflict zones, where perennial crises lead to the death of thousands on end. Are we still expecting 120 million (or more) after Yelwa, Zaki-Biam, Odi, Kaduna, Kano, Jos, etc crises? And didn’t we “dash” some Nigerians the other day to Cameroun and other neighbours?

 

For sure, the next census would just be another means to “chop and clean mouth”. Just like the National ID card scheme. Expect another scam; another sham; and then, another insincere attempt at taming corruption. Another business unusual! The powers-that-be say they are going to use N48billion to count our heads. After that they would tell us there is no money to give us good roads, pipe-borne water, electricity, security, adequate and affordable housing. Of what use then would the census be to 90 million living-dead? Imagine, of the supposed 120 million Nigerians, the IMF (International Monetary Fund), whose agenda Obasanjo is implementing, says 90 million are pitiably poor. 

 

Well, if hunger allows me to live till Obasanjo’s head-count, I probably would lock my head in my bedroom drawer. I can’t risk anybody using my head to do government juju. I hate abracadabra. Everybody knows I have one head, so what’s there to count?  

 

FROM MY MAILBOX

Why the white elephants?

    I quite appreciate your guts and choice of words in your piece: “My ugly face scares Attah”. Be that as it may, I would like you to ask the Obong Attah led administration the following questions;- why has the independent power plant project not been completed after five years of his (mal)administration? Why are many roads in Uyo yet to be asphalted? What is wrong with the state university project? Why is it that no single road has been constructed in Eket since the advent of his administration? When will the five-star hotel become functional?  And why is the Attah-led administration embarking on white elephants? AKWA-IBOM is still underdeveloped leaving many of us indigenes to wonder what the several billions of naira being allocated to the state are used for.   

 "Isaac Inwang" <isaacinwang@yahoo.com>  

 

Keep keeping on

This is just to commend on your article entitled: “Too much of everything” In fact, you got it right. Our present leaders do too much of everything. I urge you to keep on keeping on.

 YOUNG CHUKS <donprof2k@yahoo.co.uk>  

UNIZIK AWKA

 

Good Work

I commend you on the patriotic job you have been doing in your column, using simple words to capture the goings-on in our national life - with a touch of humour. You are tremendously gifted. I love your piece on “Terrorism and farming ideas”  published on  April 24,2004. It was so lovely.

"bode efunwoye" <majorbode@yahoo.com>  

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  May 15, 2004