Here Come Bouncing Baby-men

 

My friend’s wife gave birth last week to a “bouncing-baby boy.” Say congratulations! Look, it’s not easy to deliver a baby, especially if it starts bouncing in the womb. And eventually lands in the labour room like Mikasa football. So, I have decided to sponsor the baby’s birthday party in 2007. I would name it “Democracy” - if Obasanjo stops fighting Atiku then, and goes back to breastfeed his chickens.

 

Well, bouncing babies are born everyday. And note, it’s usually the boys. I’ve never heard of a “bounding baby-girl”. It doesn’t matter if she wears two trousers at once, later. Girls just come out quietly, cry a little and ask: “where are the ladies, please?” But boys always “bounce” out and the way to detect them is by their howling and howlers. Most of them – especially if the parents are rich - don’t even believe there’s dignity in labour. So, they are always eager to leave the delivery room. Once out of the womb, “bouncing boys” get overindulged. Bouncing from one old breast to a fresh one. And often, into bad ways. Well, we overlook it, don’t we? “Oh, he’s just a boy”. But the boy soon grows into a man – still bouncing.

 

You see, this bouncing thing caused Nigeria a chance in the 2006 World Cup. If every Nigerian had been as patriotic as I am, we would have kicked every bouncing boy, I mean ball, into the net to win a place. So, for a fee, I swear by Alam’s bra, any day I’m told my wife is delivered of a “bouncing baby boy”, I would give it to Okocha. And I urge every Nigerian to do same in the name of democracy, amen. As far as I’m concerned, anything that bounces should be kicked. No objection, my lord.

 

Boys always “bounce” in and out of everything – football field, parties, affairs, corruption and later, politics. And when they grow older, they shall never depart from it. Check out the scriptures. Gospel according to Tafa, the super thief, sorry, cop: “I will bounce back”. You see, the man was right. Criminals always have a way of bouncing back, especially in Nigeria. And you know why? Most of them wear canvasses with spring bottom. And padded with currency notes.

 

Watch out! Tafa would soon bounce on a track – with two national awards on his neck; a Criminal Games touch in his hands. With his Okija register-filled tummy preceding him, it doesn’t matter if he looks like Obasanjo in sports wear. But, believe it or don’t, Tafa would surely bounce back in the next four months. After representing Nigerian criminals at the World Games for Executive Prisoners. 

 

Anyway, Tafa isn’t the only one concerned with “bouncing”. In fact, “bouncing” has become our national culture. It’s in our blood. Many of our leaders bounced straight from prison to power, abi? In fact, to become relevant in any way, you must bounce.  Bouncing, so doctors say, leads to long life.  That’s why Obasanjo forces himself, these days, into Sadiq Daba’s track suits and Oshiomhole’s fez caps. He did it at Ogun Games and then in Imo – during Military Games. Some ‘bad belle’ people claim it’s a prelude to 2007 third term. Nonsense! As if Baba has not done third term, already. Wasn’t his first term as a military leader? And hasn’t he done two terms as a civilian dictator? So, why count backwards, like my niece? If Baba bounces towards Aso Rock in 2007, it would be for fourth term. Again, again!?

 

Well, bouncing isn’t so bad. I’ve tried it a few times – though it doesn’t really work with bare feet. And an empty stomach. I’m told it gets better if you speak good English like Audu Ogbeh. 

Journalist: Sir, how does it feel trying to bounce back?

Sir Audu: My friend, it’s not easy. You have to be careful, speak a lot of grammar at media briefing and pray Nigerians always suffer lose of memory.  Bouncing back is not like bouncing forward. The only time “bouncing back” is pleasurable is if there’s “soft landing” – on a mattress or even a woman. Ah! When you bounce back, it means you are on the tough side. Mostly in defence. Have you ever watched Taribo West? Sometimes, he “bounces” backwards, trying to wade off an attacker. And if he falls in the process, one of his dreadlocks falls off. That’s why he’s looking like Hare Krishna devotee. Bouncing back comes with pains, I confess.

Journalist: As Baba’s adviser on agriculture, what did you do?

Sir Audu: I told him to do everything to ensure that we farmers do not go back to the farms. Well, there’s money to be made there, but when you get old the waist refuses to bend. You see, self-preservation is the rule in politics. 

Journalist: As PDP chairman, you defended Obasanjo’s policies. But do you now understand what it means to be out of power?

Sir Audu: Well, let me tell you the truth.  I was doing a job – protecting my pay. That was why I felt bad because when I was ‘retrenched’, Oshiomhole didn’t lead NLC out in protest. So, to bounce back, I had to form MDD.

Journalist: MDD. Isn’t that Madness for Defending Dictatorship?  

Sir Audu: No! Movement for Defence of Democracy

Journalist: Oh yeah!? How do you defend what is not in existence?                

Sir Audu: Oh! That’s where you are wrong. Do you watch football at all? Super Eagles, for instance, always defend, even when the opponent has scored five goals. In politics, defense is the best policy. Defend your pocket; your position; your family and your associates. And to keep your wife, you must defend bad policies.

 

Ogbeh has just woken from slumber after falling out of Obasanjo’s favour. Suddenly, he remembers that N300 billion was allocated to Ministry of Works, once, to fix roads. Where was he when Orji Kalu cried in the wilderness? Suddenly, Ogbe and his MDD have become sober enough to realize “there is increasing hunger and poverty”. But weren’t they among those who pushed us into the gutter? Senator Joseph Waku calls them self-seeking politicians. “When the going favours them, democracy is thrilling. But when they lose, it is dictatorship,” he said. And as lazy lawbreakers, sorry, lawmakers say: I concur! 

 

Check out the list. Besides Ogbeh, Tom Ikimi was Abacha’s Squealer. He even swore to die if Abacha didn’t succeed himself. Now, he’s “bouncing back”. Dubem Onyia served under Obasanjo and condemned Waku’s claim that the nation was drifting. Now, even when they agree that there’s dictatorship, they want to “defend” democracy. Contradiction, My lord! Which democracy?

 

Wouldn’t it make much sense to ‘restore’ what is not before ‘defending’ it?  Movement for Restoration of Democracy (MRD) makes more sense. My only problem with them is that they intend to ‘restore democracy’ only in the North. The rest of us can go to hell.

Anyway, the problem of this nation originated from recycled politicians and criminals always “bouncing back”.  Many of them have even done more than the third term we are all worried about in Obasanjo’s case.  Shouldn’t we start kicking every old horse trying to bounce back into reckoning? Especially, if it’s obvious they have nothing positive for us beyond “defending” their pockets? 

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Dec 03, 2005