I Declare My Intention to Run for President

                                                                                                                                 

 

Fellow Nigerians and countrymen. Plus, plenty women and children, too. I hereby declare my asset, sorry, interest in the Presidency. Well, as a matter of fact, I’ve always had interest in the Presidency. For instance, I’ve always wondered the kind of toxic radiation that emits from there. It always ends up intoxicating and turning everybody around Aso Rock against the masses. Why?

 

Now, I have a good chance to find out. How? I intend to contest for that office, jare! Okay, let me say it in English: I will run for President in 2007. Hey! Who’s laughing there? What’s so funny, anyway? I’m going to run – for dear life. Whether anybody pursues me or not. Look, I’ve already bought four pairs of canvass shoes. In addition, I borrowed old spike-shoes from a retired athlete in my street. 

 

Come on, who says I’m not ready? Indeed, I’m ‘eminently qualified’ to contest. At least, based on the PDP criteria. That party, in its very serious search for our next President, has set a very stringent order. To start with, it’s taken for granted that the next president must not come from Bakassi. He must be a man. With mustache in visible places. Must be alive. And very rich – so he can ‘dash’ N500 million towards Maurice Iwu’s funeral arrangements. Iwu says he’s ready to die to ensure “free and fair” election. And with the Ubas helping him out, he might not have to wait for long.

 

Anyway, Baba’s successor, PDP says, must be ready to continue in reform programmes like bank consolidation, monetization and well, throat clearing! He must also be a better designer than Frank Oshodi.  Instead of designing a useless umbrella, the next President must fashion out a bigger agbada – so he can always hide stolen millions.

 

Hence, in the very accommodating spirit of this administration, the search has been thrown open. At one of the meetings, it was agreed that ‘everybody’ can aspire to occupy the Presidency. But only some people have the ‘right’ to do so - in our home-grown governance. Well, while the ‘open door’ decision has been hailed by many as very positive, some think it’s laughable. Because it’s thrown up too many clowns! 

 

But you know the beauty of democracy? As long as you have ‘intention’ to declare for anything, you are qualified. That’s why some of us – like Achike Udenwa, Jerry Gana and I - have joined the race for the Presidency.  Political intention, I’m told, is perhaps the only ‘intention’ that the police can’t brand as criminal. It doesn’t matter if you infringe on Udenwa’s ‘copyright’ of counting Mr Biggs as ‘democracy dividend’.  Or smuggled 3rd term documents about town to help Baba die in office. Afterall, as Gana used to say in the MAMSER days, if you are a political adviser…

 

Hey, we (the presidential aspirants) don’t mind Ahmadu Ali calling us “empty barrels”. If Sani Yerima of Zamfara likes, let him throw a fit. For us, we rather take it as a compliment, thank you. And another quality of a good PDP president. You see, to perform in office, you must make a lot of noise. Media noise. Like insulting all those who criticize you; shouting some down on national TV. That, my friend, is performance. Consequently, I’ve gone round my neighbourhood to gather all the empty milk cans. CAN my foot! It’s called ‘barrels’, jare!  I might even form a kiddies’ band with them, abi? 

 

Oh! I almost forgot. Please, this is a secret – o. I don’t what other aspirants to know about it because it’s my joker. Ali says the next president must have large feet. He actually didn’t mention the size but hinted that Baba has elephant’s legs. “Any aspirant who knows that his feet are too small…should better reconsider running,” he said. Oh yeah? If big feet determine who wins gold in Olympic race, how come Obasanjo never won us some? Ali provides the answer: Baba is, “a figure so large that I find it difficult to fit into his shoes”.  Did anybody ask him to try Baba’s shoe? If Ali has a Lilliputian’s leg, does that mean there’s no Nigerian to wear Obasanjo’s farm boot?

 

Anyway, as for the “track record” – another criterion of the PDP – I don’t think anybody can beat me in that. When my grandfathers died, they left rooms filled with old LPs. My uncle also left baskets of them – including Etubom Rex Lawson, Bobby Benson, Inyang Nta Henshaw, Etubom Rex Willams, etc. And you know what? In this era of CDs, nobody wants them but me. So, I swear, I’ve enough ‘records’. And, yes, ‘tracks’ too. Some of the records have at least 12 tracks, each. Besides, my village schools - primary and secondary - have enough ‘tracks’ to keep Mary Onyiali, Emmanuel Egbunike and even Carl Lewis busy for life. 

 

Still, I’m told those are not all. Jigawa’s Saminu Turaki says ‘loyalty’ to the President is the greatest credential of any aspirant. As if the next President would be Obasanjo’s property and not of Nigerians.

And oh! It doesn’t matter that Turaki has just joined PDP. Obviously, he’d always been loyal to the President while in ANPP. Doesn’t that explain why ANPP is in a coma? Loyalty ko! Mole ni!

 

Anyway, if loyalty is the matter, then I’m still very qualified to contest this office. You see, I’ve been very ‘loyal’ to Baba. Even more than Gana, Peter Odili, Victor Attah. Or even Udenwa. I swear, it was ‘loyalty’ that made me join others who meant well to save Baba from “official death”. Hey! I’m told that’s what they call somebody who dies in office, like Abacha. Well, I didn’t think it was right for Baba to die in office when he has a home, abi? So, if you are bold to claim that I’m not loyal, let me see your two legs up. 

 

Well, let me give you a tip. You can accuse me of not belonging to the biggest party in Africa. Good! But I belong to the largest party in the world – the masses! And that’s even better. Because when a party starts begging people to believe in it, then there’s a problem. Ask Ayo Fayose, the Ekiti Governor. Saddled with the task of picking one of the PDP Governors to succeed Obasanjo, Fayose started well – in confusion. At the first meeting, his committee performed creditably well. It was asked to ‘prune’ the number of aspirants to one. But Fayose ‘pruned’ them to nine! That’s a feat – it doesn’t matter that many of the so-called aspirants never declared their intentions to ‘declare’ anything. Including their assets. 

 

Well, the first sign that Fayose would do a good job was when he quickly discovered that nobody had faith in his committee. It was all another clownish show, which the PDP is known for. A time-wasting venture. A time-buying journey to nowhere. So, confronted by the nosy journalists, Fayose had to say something. “…first of all… you must have faith in this committee set up by the President and you must have confidence in its ability to perform”. Come! Who accused him and his clownish committee of non-performance? Certainly, not me. Because I never expected it to do anything beyond drinking tea and whatever behind closed doors. And lying to the media afterwards! Well, aren’t those grouped under performance, too?

 

Anyway, never mind all the clowns. For good or bad, just back me for president. I confess: I don’t have a plan – what do they call that thing - programme or manifesto? Well, I’d get one after my tenure. Meantime, I promise to build bridges where there’s no water.

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  June 17, 2006