I have Sued Obasanjo and Atiku

 

Last week, I went to court to sue President Olusegun Obasanjo and Vice President Atiku Abubakar. Well, initially, no court  accepted to handle the case. I guess they were afraid that  I won’t be able to quote PDP ‘con’ - stitution. One judge even said I was not educated enough to speak English in windy fashion – like lawyers. But, I was not discouraged. In fact, the Supreme Court’s decision in the Ladoja case gave me hope that one day, the incessant press-up done by Agama would be useful. If you doubt it, challenge the lizard to a wrestling bout.

 

Anyway, somehow, we’ve found a way round the problem. First, all the courts – from Customary to Supreme – would be dissolved into a plenary session to hear this case. And I would be allowed to address the court in my dialect. Their Lordships can go ahead and take their decision, whether they understand me or not. 

 

My problem with Baba and Atiku is that after destroying politics, they now want to face education. Already, Obasanjo has registered at the National Open University as a student - without post-JAMB. And Atiku says after licking his wounds, he’d go and teach in one university!

 

Now, I want the court, which would be headed by the ghost of my grandfather, to use the PDP cult-rule to ban them from our schools. Obasanjo must not enter any classroom under the pretext of receiving lecture. He would end up flogging the lecturers! And might even order the vice chancellor to do ‘frog jump’! The court must take into account what many years of military regimentation can do to a man’s system – especially, those at the command. Well, Baba has promised to be ‘of good behaviour’, but didn’t he say similar things in 1999 and 2003? Well, he did his best to keep his promises – in the opposite direction. Pledges and actual ‘good conducts’ sometimes are never good neighbours. Besides, in adult education, the student is always right – since the teachers are most times their children, anyway. In fact, well-meaning Nigerians are scared that an unpleasant  scene may occur between Baba and the lecturers.

 

Lecturer: Mr Obasanjo, today is Friday and you are the only person left to  submit the assignment I gave two weeks ago, why?

Baba: Who is this boy? Who made you a lecturer? You must be a total idiot to say that. Are you more educated than I am? I attended all military courses in the 60’s and 70’s. I’ve written many books, including, Not My Will. How many books have you written? Yet you say you are a member of ASUU. ASUU my foot!

 

Your Lordships must join us to save Obasanjo for the ‘corrupting influence’ of the university environment. Really, we must save him the embarrassment of being corrupted by the youths. And, most importantly, we must save him from himself. You know why? If the court does not stop Baba from going to school, he might be lured into joining bad gangs. Ah! One of those cults youths use to fight one another on campus. And, coming from the background of PDP, he might not know the difference. Besides, Baba might be tempted to learn the slangs on campus. He might even think that since he’s in school, he’s still ‘permitted’ to toast those half-dressed girls. I mean those ones who dress even more ‘transparently’ than the PDP governments.

 

As for Atiku, he must not teach in our schools, unless he’s ready to lecture on how to raise cows. Unfortunately, I’m not sure he has experience in the nomadic education. Besides, you see, Atiku  might enter the class to teach without mentioning the course. He did it recently, declaring intention to run for presidency - without mentioning the party. In any case, before you know it, he might be accused of operating a MOFAS account on campus. If Atiku is allowed to teach, he might be influenced to join unionism. Imagine a man of his status funding ASUU. Or even NLC. The next government would be in trouble, I swear.

 

Their Lordships should note that Obasanjo and Atiku were core participants in the same political game. Hence, it was easy for them to do a lot of things to politics – from the inside. Their regime introduced a lot of reforms – MOFAS account, PDTF scandal, fuel price hike, fuel tax, etc. Oh, please add Ghana-must-go legislations. 

 

One other reason we must not encourage the duo to enter our campuses is that they institutionalised ‘multiple-speak’ in our system. PDP may ostracise Atiku today, but I have evidence to prove that he was part of the rot, sorry, root. A faulty foundation built on lies and confusion. That’s why members of the party never agree on issues. One says ‘A’, the other says ‘B’. And the next person says ‘C’. Check it out!

 Olabode George, the deputy national chairman, claims all the 30 contestants for the presidency have the ‘party immunity’ to kill one another. “What we have done is that the people will now decide the fate of the aspirants. We won’t impose any candidate on the party and we won’t limit the number,” he said. But El-Rufai disagrees. He told the world that the election has been concluded. “A member of our generation will emerge as president and I think I know who it is.” Well, El-Rufai is learning to be a Nigerian politician. Known for his openness and truthfulness, he’s more like your three-year-old child - keeps a secret only when there’s none. So, was he telling us what PDP decided behind closed doors? In fact, he also said some of the contenders have already been screened out, long before they submitted the forms. 

 

Agreed. Obasanjo / Atiku’s PDP has achieved a lot in its eight years of misrule. With innovative policies like banning of  Ghana-must-go bags, PDP has really impacted on the lives of the masses. Negatively! But we take cognizance of the fact that this regime doesn’t want any other to equal its record on GMG politics, policies,  legislations, antics and games. Hence, it banned the importation of the bags. Now, I’m only sorry for those who still have old ones. For fear of arrest, I had to use mine to make bed for the dog. Who knows? Soon, PDP-police might start searching every home for the contraband. Especially, as Obasanjo has pronounced an end to the use of GMG in politics. But, My Lords, I have an idea why Obasanjo ‘outlawed’ GMG from politics. Like Atiku, it probably has outlived its usefulness for PDP. Besides, Baba would not be comfortable if the next government equals his record in GMG politics.

 

But, you know what? That bag predates PDP. It used to be everywhere until PDP came. Suddenly, it became hotcake. Every politician had need of it. From the executive to the legislature. And sometimes, the judiciary. GMG moved around in the nights and graced the offices of some politicians like grandfather furniture. Its most best-selling season was during the third term plot. After the funeral service for the tenure elongation scheme, GMG suffered a heart attack. No postmortem in any government hospital revealed the real cause of death. So, it was attributed to ‘natural causes’. But we all know that it was murdered - like Funsho Williams and Daramola. And, its burial arrangement was announced, recently, by the PDP government. May its soul rest in Baba’s bosom – in peace!

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Dec 09, 2006