I Need Post-JAMB in My Kitchen

  

 

Sometimes, I really regret why I went to a night school. If it was in the daytime, I believe a few things would have been clearer. Like the difference between “screening” and “test/ examination.” And why somebody is always fond of disturbing the sound sleep of the Reps over a simple matter.

 

Ah! It’s the post-JAMB era. And a lot of people are kicking. Why post the JAMB, when you can easily send it through e-mail, text message or even flash? Post what? Didn’t Post Office make my neighbour to miss his only job interview? The invitation letter came six months after the man got married and became a fulltime house-husband. His wife is not just the breadwinner, I guess sometimes she wins cake and chin-chin too.

 

Anyway,  the House of Reps and the Education Minister Chinwe Obaji have been trying to teach us a few things, recently. Post-JAMB “101.” For Obaji,  it’s about “screening” and not “examination” or “test.” The two latter words are not even cousins. But the Reps  showed us something about the weather – how to blow hot air. They threatened to “request” the removal of Obaji if she refused to stop the post-JAMB test in universities. Request?! I heard the Reps have it all worked out. Should Baba refuse their “request,” they will get so angry and force down the price of fuel. Ah! That would be too bad for our six-year-old “nascent” democracy, won’t it? 

 

You see, I know why the Reps are against post-JAMB test. And I agree with them. Post-JAMB exposes too many secrets. You see, if the new post-JAMB spirit is allowed to grow in this country, some of us who can’t sing the National Anthem are in trouble. Imagine! Under the JAMB era, anybody could scale through a ministerial “screening,” if his waist is flexible enough to allow him take a bow. But in post-JAMB regime? You might be required to know the name of your state governor, even if he is not in PDP. And you might be asked to say The Pledge, at least. Without looking at your palms. 

 

With only JAMB, even my grandma can get admission to a university. All she needs do is sit by her two-year-old great granddaughter. Step two: shed every white space on the answer sheet. Or do “tumbo, tumbo…” – the gambling method we dullards  use often to solve objective questions.  

 

Well, silly me, JAMB exam has an advantage. All you need is a common-answer. Whereas, the “nonsense” post-JAMB demands commonsense – something very scarce these days among politicians. 

 

Pro-JAMB teacher: Name two domestic animals you know?

 

Candidate 1: Cat

 

Pro-JAMB teacher: Good! Any other one?

 

Candidate 2: Another cat, Sir!

 

Post-JAMB teacher: Name two powerful ministers in Nigeria?

 

Candidate: Sir, my pastor  and General Obasanjo

 

Post-JAMB teacher: How do you mean?

 

Candidate: My pastor is a Minister of God and Obasanjo is the Minister of Petroleum and Fuel Price.

 

Pre-JAMB teacher: Okay, which former Education minister is known as advocate of  “mother tongue” theory in Nigeria?

 

Candidate: God!

We need  “post-JAMB” in every aspect of Nigeria. Everywhere! And I have ordered it in my kitchen. My daughter, for instance, must not graduate into cooking the food I eat until she passes the exam. I mean, the test. Sorry, screening. Similarly, for all the rats in that kitchen to remain, they must pass the post-JAMB whatever. Or quit. I’m ready to undergo a few lessons, myself, on how to boil water. Provided somebody assures me that I would come out of it alive. 

 

Double-checking things improves knowledge and adds value to being. For instance, if professional bodies cross-check the competence of their members – and even their credentials - the nation could be better for it. Standard! Quality control! Excellence! High-level accountants,  lawyers, journalists, architects, and even prostitutes – both social and political. With that, if we have poor politicians who can’t even tell lies properly, we would know who to blame, won’t we? Okay, imagine a situation a robber raids a bank and gets caught. Or if we keep producing robbers who can’t even represent the nation at a world meet. Certainly,  the National Robbers Commission would take the flak for turning out inefficient and incompetent robbers, abi?

 

 Post-JAMB exam is like going back to treat the Lisa people like humans. Dealing with them with a purpose. Initially, the neglected people were hounded out of their domains by state forces. While incompetent officials of NAMA, NCAA and NEMA grew fat behind their desks – doing nothing. Now, somebody is going back to give them post-JAMB exam on black-box.  Funny enough, even the police don’t even know what the instrument looks like. Neither do some aviation officials. I bet some of them wouldn’t survive this post-JAMB weather.

 

Post JAMB question: Who wrote Things Fall Apart?

 

NEMA official: I swear, it wasn’t me. You see, I suspect somebody at NCAA.

 

NCAA official: I’m not sure who wrote it, but when I saw it somewhere, I thought it was from a faulty beacon.

 

NAMA official: It must have been NEMA that wrote it. You see, we informed them that the radar is not exactly “red” in colour but that it is an instrument used at the airport as mirror.

 

Something has to be done about the quality of our education. And that includes how fast our Reps comprehend sensitive issues. Hey! Don’t you dare think of money there. A responsive organ like the House can’t just go to sleep and wake a month after the masses had been raped  - just to make noise.

 

Anyway, Obaji claims she only ordered the “screening” of UME “eligible candidates.” And that she told universities not to exploit candidates. Meaning what, exactly? She almost destroyed her case with grammar. That woman should have remembered to break it down to dullards like me. How do you quantify “exploitation”? Is it the post-JAMB test that would make candidates  “eligible” for UME? Ah! So why is it done “after” and not “before” the UME? Maybe, if it was pre-JAMB, the lawmakers would not have kicked.

 

Okay, so youths speak tweeter-filtered English these days. But how many can spell “jack”? And how many of those colloquialism is standard? Ideal with scripts, sometimes. And I’ve seen enough not to support the downward trend. How can we back students whose only books are hip-hop and home video? Youths now graduate from secondary schools to lesson centres - instead of higher institutions. Even when they become adults, they can’t think deep. Common! If post-JAMB exams would guarantee a lift in our education, I would even help conduct it. For a “small” fee, sha!

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Nov 19, 2005