I Sent Our Nanny Packing and Madam Accused Me of Sedition

  

 

I’ve just sent our nanny packing. I don’t want trouble. Well, it had to do with her name and application. She’d been married twice. Left six children in the unions. Claimed she was 42. But in oral interview, said she was 35. 

 

Ah! I couldn’t trust a woman, who played games with her age with my baby. So, I asked her to go. To make matters worst, her name was Tokunbo! I barely held myself back from calling her second-hand liar. I didn’t want her to accuse me of ‘sedition’! 

 

Look, I’ve learnt my lesson - o. In fact, I became wiser the day my wife charged me with ‘sedition.’ It was on her birthday. Imagine! I went on voice-training for one month to be able to sing a sonorous ‘Happy birthday to you’. Yet, I got the wrong end of her temper that day simply for adding: ‘How old are you now? /How old are you now? /How old are you now, madam?/ How old are you now?’ That night, I was charged with ‘sedition’ – contrary to section 51 (1) (a) of the Romantic Code Act, Chapter 77, Laws of Madam’s Kitchen (LMK). Even though I pleaded ‘TDB’ – till-day-break – I was still punished for three days without evidence. Day 1: sleeping on the cold floor on a rainy night. Day 2: pillow-wall between madam and my hands. Day 3: I was permitted back-to-back contact! The rest is not just History, it’s also Biology, Physics, Chemistry, Psychology, Behavioral Science and well, none of your business. Hallelujah! 

 

Until then, I thought ‘sedition’ meant to drug somebody to sleep. You know, like when doctors  ‘sedate’ a patient. With my poor education, I never for once thought that asking questions about somebody’s well-being and age could be inimical to health. Now, I heard even NAFDAC has been empowered to screen every letter or and messages. Anyone addressed to a fellow named ‘Tokunbo’ must be seized. And the writers arrested, electronically. Especially, if they ever inquire about health. Very unhealthy? To hell with free flow of information,  accountability and, well, age.

 

But wait –o. For a while in this country, has ‘tokunbo’  not become every poor man’s name? For no fault of ours, we are forced to buy tokunbofridge, TV, clothes, car, etc. Some of us even marry tokunbo wives and hubbies. Yet, we’re expected not to ascertain their ages. In the end, it’s still the poor man that suffers. You see, even my mechanic has taken advantage of this whole drama. Just recently, he bought a part for my car. When I asked him if it was ‘tokunbo’, wahala started. Now, I have stopped calling anybody ‘tokunbo’. 

But the problem seems larger than that. I heard ‘sedition’ has acquired a new meaning. It is now as defined by security agencies. And still-angry pro-3^rd term politicians. 

 

I also heard there’s a secret decree  now in place, promulgated by Babasanjo that if any poor man asks: ‘How are you?’ he should be charged with sedition. In fact, if you are very unlucky, only you can be charged with “conspiracy to commit a seditious act…” These days, I’m told, one person can “conspire among yourselves (sic) to utter seditious words, publish or reproduce seditious publication…” It doesn’t matter that conspiracy can only be committed in connivance with another person. Ask General Muhamadu Buhari. You see, until he said so last week, I never knew I was a “very influential and patriotic Nigerian.” So, he got my ears when he said the draconian Decree  4, which he introduced as a dictator has returned cloaked in Owu ‘ankara’. Decree 4 took Tunde Thomson and Nduka Iraboh to jail. And to limelight. Now, Gbenga Aruleba ( of AIT) and Rotimi Durojaiye (of Daily Independent) are about going in. Somebody has even predicted that if those journalists are jailed, they might come out larger than life. Especially if they become politicians, later. Why? Almost all our prominent politicians today have been to jail – some, for what they actually knew nothing about.

 

Anyway, this talk of sedition is as dizzying as Babasanjo’s search for absolute loyalty. I guess they are related. Experts like Ahmadu Ali insist that where there’s ‘absolute loyalty,’ there can never be sedition. But isn’t it also true that ‘absolute loyalty’ can only be found where there is ‘the absolute’? In the midst of mortals, ‘the absolute’ cannot be another mortal –no matter how dictatorial he is. Idi Amin died, didn’t he? IBB lost power, abi? And Abacha ate the eternal ‘apple.’ All were dictators who demanded ‘absolute loyalty’ – from their wives, citizenry and even God!

I don’t know why, but true ‘loyalty’ has been very scarce. Even Baba has just found out. In fact, some experts say it’s as scarce as modern-day constitutional backing for a fellow called sedition. “If Mr. Sedition contests 2007 election, he can never get one vote from any colonial mortuary”, said one Political Science professor from my university.

Well, if discussing age is ‘sedition,’ then Gbenga Obasanjo should also be charged. He was the person who told us that his father lied about his actual age. According to him, General Obasanjo is actually older than he admits. Hello! Is that Gbenga? Okay, between you and Baba, who lied about age? And do you know that talking like that about our president is seditious? Look, it would not do to utter empty ‘confabulated’ apologies like Ahmadu Ali. On behalf of Nigerian journalists, true democrats and the masses, we must deny somebody bail for this. We reject this unjust victimization of the media, amen!

 

FROM YOU TO ME

I will vote for you provided you will not seek 3^rd term. You’re the  joke of the century-

Ij  from Enugu

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Aah!!  This your declaration to run for presidency na e’bano. Well, I  support you.  I know you will step in so many people’s shoes. Please no build bridges where there’s no water. It was indeed a terrific writing.  Keep it up  

Suwaiba Luwa, B. U.K. 

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Usoro, I just  read your ambition for presidency.  Walahi, na you I go vote for. I get some old record wey I go give you so that ‘Ali must go’ no fit query you! 

Richard from Abuja. 08024977110

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Oga Usoro, I read your declaration! I love you.  You are The  real reality…!  08068178717

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UU, ‘without’ your column in Saturday Sun is like ‘without’ life. Don’t worry, even without voting you are already elected. 

Kunle Akins in Port-Harcourt.  08023436377

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Usoro, I really enjoyed your write up, what remain is the fraction. From which one are you picking your ticket?  And remember Mr.  Fix. 

Jide,  08028866228

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Mr. Usoro, just read your article and I find it very interesting.  I  love your style - witty, and indeed I might join you in running for my dear life.

Tynah Ansa- 08033314887

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I don’t like the fact that you don’t even have a manifesto or whatever they call it… but, I’ll vote for you. Great piece, Great ambition! Good luck!

08023746539

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Oga Usoro, good day.  So you want to be Baba’s successor?  So that is what you are looking for!  So you are also PDP. Good luck.  

Abali Baba Micika. 08028386243

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I’ve just finished your article on your intention for the  presidency. Your great!  08027116930

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  July 01, 2006