Thomas Crooks Thomas Crooks was just an ordinary guy until he listened to his overtaxed brain. Brain: Do you know you can be famous? Crooks: How? Brain: By attempting the infamous! So, Crooks picked his father’s AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle. He listened to his confused brain again and headed to a rally nearby. Minutes later, he did a crooked thing by firing at Donald Trump! Crooks wasn't a known professional crook. But he obviously had a enough crooked mind to store explosives in his car and home. Yes, the Trump shooter was one man. But his name, “Crooks,” gave the impression of a multiple negative character. His crooked act and plans probably justified the addition of letter “s” to a his name, making him one but many crooks! Crooks’ “crooked shot missed Trump by an inch. Thomas Crooks was probably so crooked that he couldn't think straight. But thank God he couldn't shoot straight, either. Otherwise, the world would have missed a daring, straight...
I’ve always wondered what I’d look like, if I posed nude. But each time I try, the camera gets shy. It smiles slyly, blinks repeatedly, then switches off. The other day, it actually complained to me in confidence that, well, it has seen more than enough. Now, my camera is a born-again(st) and has decided not to ‘see’ another evil. Or even take its pictures. “Oga, what the lens does not see, the shutters can’t express,” it added. Since then, I’ve come to hate my nakedness so much that I even wear cloths in the office. Well, once in a very long while, especially when nobody is looking, I bath naked in my bathroom. Not in my laptop!
Yet, I confess that I’m always as eager as Anita Hogan to “fool around” with a camera. The other day, I tried to take a ‘naked’ picture of NEPA( the power holders). But all I got was darkness. That really has not stopped me from ‘fooling around’ because, well, I’m a fool! And so is Anita! Check it out. At the night school I attended, I was taught that the person who cooks is called ‘cook.’ Therefore, she who ‘fools around’ is ‘a fool’, abi?
Well, ‘fooling around’ was Anita’s defence for taking nude pictures of herself and one hungry looking fair-skinned fellow. But she forgot to add that the essence was to prove critics wrong. You see, during the Gulder Ultimate search, many people argued that Anita was not a woman. Some said she was too ‘hard’ and may have been wearing false breasts. When they saw her climbing the Obudu hills, they argued that she had no ‘valley.’ So, she decided to prove that she has two ‘soft spots.’ And, well, something else no real man has – a valley. At least, that’s what her camera told me – in strict confidence – o!
Look, those criticizing Anita are idiots. To smart girls like Anita, who like the naked pose, sorry ‘naked truth,’ it takes just a second to remove clothes and – hold it – click! But to idiots, it takes one full minute to realise that modern women are tired of wearing cloths. Hey! Wake up! Now, I command you to look around, if you are not too ‘deaf’ to see. Gradually, young women of these days are wearing less clothes. It’s all in the spirit of ‘transparency’, abi? In fact, according to a recent survey in India, only women who are unfortunate enough to be blessed with full brain capacity now wear cloths. The rest of the population are so fashionable that they consider it a better marketing strategy to dress in their ‘birthday suits.’ They start with wearing less cloths. Going…; going…! Eventually, they all go naked – in the bedrooms, on the beaches, at the parks or, well, even in the bathrooms!
Admit it, which cloth is better looking and enticing like Anita – I mean - a woman’s body? Oh! Come on, forget a few ‘kro-kro’ on the laps. They certainly can’t kill, or can they? Cloth is no longer in vogue. Especially if you are in the entertainment industry. A book written by one Nigerian expert in ‘Womanology’ has confirmed that many young women have at least one-and-half naked pictures of themselves in their cell-phones. Some even store, at least, one picture of their breasts – perhaps to convince the men that, well, they are women! If you disagree, send your protest to Maurice Iwu and his confused INEC. Or better still, put your naked picture in ‘the news’ and become notoriously famous! Soon, you’d be invited to dinner with your modern-day role models like Madonna, Janet Jackson, Jennifer Lopez, Cossy Ojiako and, well, Anita!
You see, psychiatrists say Anita posed naked for photographs to prove that there’s a difference between human beings and animals. But the point is now clear that only humans wear cloths, chikena! When Anita was all clothed, some amorous men kept their eyes in their sockets. Some fantasised on what Anita’s ‘Ultimate’ nakedness would look like. Still, many saw and respected her as a human being. But the moment they saw her naked, many drooled saliva like snail. Then, their appetite dropped like the standard of living of Nigerians. No more goggling fantasies. And you know why? They’ve ‘seen’ Anita’s “naked truth’!
But Anita did nothing wrong. At least, she showed that she had nothing to hide. The problem with cloths is that they provide cover for lies. They’re like IBB’s smiles, very deceptive. But the moment they are kept aside, every truth comes to life. Which is why I think IBB should adopt the Anita pose.
You see, IBB is another person critics have called many names. Some say he’s been covering up too much – both with his agbada, different brands of smiles and well, sly talk. Since IBB ‘stepped aside,’ he’s refused to ‘open up’ on any of the allegations against him. He never talks straight – as if that’s the only way to show that he’s a military strategist. Months back, anybody who asked: ‘Will you contest in 2007?’ only got a trite reply: “I will make myself available.” Available for what - mischief?
Hey! I used to think IBB was ‘smart’ until one ‘bloody fool’ put me to a bet. “Vasta was more intelligent than IBB,” he argued. “At least he could read his tribal marks. And he wrote many books acknowledged by Niyi Osundare, Wole Soyinka, etc. He even won ANA award. IBB can’t even read his palms and you call him intelligent? In fact, if he ever writes any book, I would start bathing naked.
IBB is now seen as a villain. Many hold that a man who could not keep his words on his friend’s life can’t be trusted. According to Omo Omoruyi, IBB didn’t want to kill Vatsa. So, he commissioned researches into some religious excuses why Vatsa should be forgiven. Yet, lacked the courage to wait for Omoruyi to arrive with the scriptural quotations. Was that another way of covering up the truth?
No matter how smart IBB thinks he is, some of us ‘bloody civilians’ are tired of his antics. The sundry allegations of wrongdoings against him never gets a satisfactory explanation. From the annulment of June 12, 1993 presidential election, the Gulf oil windfall / Okigbo report to the Vatsa killing. Rather than address the issues, IBB has always hidden under the excuse that he’s writing his memoirs. A friend once asked me how long it takes to write a memoir. “A lifetime, I guess,” I answered. “But why doesn’t IBB break his into volumes to save us the long wait? I think it’s time for IBB to bare it all - like Anita,” he added.
True! IBB should remove all the coverings that shroud the truth around him. If he has any document about Vatsa’s ghost, he should hire a public addressed system and read it aloud. Then, publish it in poems. Paste it on billboards around the nation. I swear, we’d love to see it. Same for the Gulf Oil windfall. And June 12. Enough of blanket, diversionary talk. And, I swear, if everything eventually points to his innocence, I’ll join the band of his merchant-campaigners. If I lie, may I pose naked in my bathroom!
- First published in Saturday Sun of Aug 26, 2006
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