Integrity, How Do You Read, Over?

 

I like policemen, especially when they are not armed. And when I don’t see that annoying banner that reads: “Police is your fiend…”  Policemen are actually nice people. Especially, if you “dash” them enough money. Like robbers who come to your house, take all your money and ask for soup to finish the eba in the fridge.

 

Well, each time I see  policemen, I play dumb.  If they stop me on the road, I ask them for ‘something.’ “OC, wetin you chop remain?” It doesn’t matter if the dunce didn’t even pass Primary Three. Or can’t speak English Language. Calling it, sorry, them “OC” swells their heads. So, they don’t charge me for overload, even though the only passenger is my spare tyre.

 

Really, there are nice people in the Force. One even gave me N20 once. But whenever they call me oga or “my friend,” I piss in my car. You know why? You MUST act like “oga” or “friend.” Or they give you a new ID: robber!

 

Policeman: Oga,  your boys are here-o. This is weekend-o, find us something for pure water.

 

Me: OC, there’s nothing-o. Okay, something for pure water, abi? Take this N5.

 

Policeman: My friend, we are many, now!? I hope  you are not joking with us. We are just respecting you –o. Or you want to come down for searching?  Why are you even alone by this time of the night? 11 pm. Don’t you know it is late? Very serious offence, driving alone in the night. I can charge you for wandering and loneliness.

 

Me: OC, I wasn’t aware that loneliness is also an offence. Do I need an FRSC licence, police permit or a NAFDAC number to be lonely? Anyway, my wife told me I am never alone. She prayed for this car and told me God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost are always with me.

 

Policeman: Ah! I charge you and your wife for overload. And I would arrest you with all those passengers you mentioned. Park very well and open your booth! Oga, the suspect is proving stubborn-o. I think he is a robber. Should I take him to ‘Jerusalem’?

 

Yes, the police are my friends, only when they are not my fiend. But they seem to think we can only be friends if I give them money. As if I am Obasanjo and the gang. One policeman even reminded me once of a Bible verse: “ask and it will be given you…” (Matthew 6:7). To them, asking means brute force, intimidation, extortion and even killing. Implication: Their harassment may not be constitutional, it is scriptural. But, even if you give them without their asking, they would still ask so they can get more. And, God have mercy, if you don’t have. You could be “sentenced to death” for denying an officer alms, resisting attack, talking or even daring to  leave your house  without money. Go and ask the Igbo traders killed recently at Apo Village in Abuja.

 

Our policemen are now so hardworking that they can’t tell robbers from  traders and even lovers. A short while back, they killed pretty 17-year-old  Suleyol Hiikyaa in Makurdi and claimed she was “making love” in a car. So, when did that become a “fatal” offence that requires no trial? 

 

I like the Nigerian Police because it is unique. The darkest, I mean biggest Force in Africa. Like PDP. Indeed, the police share a few things in common with Ali-Baba’s party.  Like PDP, the police have a way of “allowing” or “aiding” suspects and criminals within to escape judgment. Only the witnesses and victims ever get the wrath of the Force. They call it esprit de corp. It’s a principle that says, ‘you must protect your own’, or ‘cover my back, I cover your front.’

 

 A policeman does no wrong – where the “brother” is. In  Lagos, a number of bus drivers, conductors and passengers have been  killed in recent times because of N20. But the police authorities always exonerate  their men and help them escape judgment. Now, the trend has gotten to the national level. Yes, Sunday Ehindero, the acting  Integrity General of Police made a commendable move to arrest 10 policemen over the Apo killings. But it might just end  there, if he doesn’t go beyond talking in the mix. The other day, he said he wanted to “invoke the fundamental principle of innocence until proven guilty.” Fine. But while we engage in legal niceties, semantics and jargons, all the suspects and witnesses may either “disappear” or die of unknown causes. Has Ehindero pondered why suspects or witnesses who die in police custody are never diagnosed of even “brief illness”?  They always die “mysteriously,” sometimes in their sleep. And how come policemen are mostly the ones who escape from detentions while the ordinary folks await trial for upward of 14years?

 

In this Apo issue,  to make sure the culprits ran free, a key witness died  a day to the hearing by the disbanded Okiro-panel. If Aso Rock had not moved in, maybe the scene of the crime would have been folded and moved abroad. But then, there is nothing to cheer yet. CSP Abdulsalam Othman, the Garki DPO, “whose professional judgment may have been inappropriate” in the matter, has evaporated. He even bragged on phone that he was “far away” – perhaps to the next Olympic venue, to represent Nigeria. Ehindero promised us “transparency, accountability and integrity in this case”. Okay, I would understand if there’s no woman, except the contractors, near the Louis Edet House with “transparent” attires. But if Ehindero has no calculator, I would borrow him my fingers. He must “account” for the suspects in this Apo matter. Otherwise, I hereby move a motion on the floor of this nation that he be stripped of the “Integrity” title. 

 

Accountability, I’m told, is the “ability to count.” 10 people were arrested at  the  last count. So, can Ehindero please count from one to ten? Okay, DCP Danjuma Ibrahim, DSP Victor Pam, the Garki DCO, and seven others - including the OC Ambush Squad, Nicholas Zacharia, were still in detention after Othman, the magician (!), ran into the atmosphere. But this time, Ehindero must jump into space and return with Othman alive. Else, his promise of accountability would hold no water. I don’t care if Othman won a gold medal for Nigeria at the last Olympic, get a “Mary Onyeali” to give a chase.

 

I’ve never seen Othman, but if he’s a true Nigerian policeman, how he managed to escape baffles me. Our typical policeman can’t run from his bedroom to the barrack’s toilet – even if he had runny stomach. The only time he tries is if robbers turn against him. Or you throw money into the air. Even then, he would need “deliverance,” in a Labour Room, to be able to run with his legs and not mind. They are hardly in shape.

 

Now, we are told DPO Othman did “Ben Johnson” inside the cell. No, he did Michael Jackson’s “Disappearing Act”. Very confusing tales. One said he ran off while pretending to be using the toilet; the other said he asked for permission to pray. Imagine! Right inside the Force Headquarters.  If he ran off in the toilet, did he use the window? Not likely, even if he’s as skinny as a model. If he split at the praying ground, did a spirit rapture him? If he’s a true Nigerian police officer, he must have a potbelly bigger than my head. What happened to the tummy, a security factor that should have helped in impeding the escape? I told my neighbour’s cat that Othman escaped while going to pray in a mosque and the animal just hissed. Then my three-year-old nephew asked: “Uncle, do they allow people in cell to go out on pilgrimage to Mecca?” I said, ‘I’ve never been to Mecca, so I don’t know.’ “Uncle, is Othman a short distance or a long distance runner?”  I said, ‘I don’t know.’

 

But I know that our policemen are becoming too “friendly” for my liking. Killing innocent people isn’t my idea of friendship. I might as well live with the enemies – all the days of my life. While Othman must go ahead to represent  us  at the next Olympic. Mr Integrity, how do you read, over?

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  July 03, 2005