Thomas Crooks Thomas Crooks was just an ordinary guy until he listened to his overtaxed brain. Brain: Do you know you can be famous? Crooks: How? Brain: By attempting the infamous! So, Crooks picked his father’s AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle. He listened to his confused brain again and headed to a rally nearby. Minutes later, he did a crooked thing by firing at Donald Trump! Crooks wasn't a known professional crook. But he obviously had a enough crooked mind to store explosives in his car and home. Yes, the Trump shooter was one man. But his name, “Crooks,” gave the impression of a multiple negative character. His crooked act and plans probably justified the addition of letter “s” to a his name, making him one but many crooks! Crooks’ “crooked shot missed Trump by an inch. Thomas Crooks was probably so crooked that he couldn't think straight. But thank God he couldn't shoot straight, either. Otherwise, the world would have missed a daring, straight...
I’ve banned my children - especially the two-month-old girl - from watching Nigerian films. Especially movies directed and produced by Ken Nnamani and Aminu Masari. I heard they can corrupt even police-thieves. Ask the Nigerian Films and Censors Board. And the Nigerian Red Cross.
But you don’t expect children of these days to take such an instruction kindly. In fact, my two-month-old Itoro was the first to challenge me.
Itoro: Daddy, why don’t you want us to watch TV? Are we in the stone-age?
Me: Baby, try and understand, though your brain is still developing like Mantu’s pocket. But I’ve just been told that films acted by lawmakers are never edited. Except when it comes to the money part. So, it corrupts the young brains. They are full of lies and brutal actions.
Itoro: I don’t understand…
Me: I said so…I knew you won’t…
Itoro: What is brutal action? They don’t shoot, do they? How does it corrupt? Why? What is corruption?
Me: You ask too many questions. Brutal action is when an adult struggles to push another, while at the same time struggling to hold his falling pant in place. Kids shouldn’t watch that. Okay, they may not have shot anybody on Tuesday; but next time they might. The other time, knife was found on one of them, abi?
Itoro: But if we don’t watch, how would we learn kung fu?
Me: Let me finish…Well, corruption, according to a new book written by Tafa, is not all about stealing N17 billion. The lies and wrestling bouts by lawmakers also corrupt, absolutely. Ok, check this out! A child watches an old thief trying to justify why he should keep the million and oil bloc he got for supporting third term. The old man speaks all the grammar without saying anything. Note: It’s really not the man’s fault, but the child won’t understand. If it weren’t mandatory for every Senator to speak on ‘Third Term’, many would rather hide in the toilets. So, what lesson does the child get from the adult opera?
It’s worse, if the drama changes to wresting. Or kung fu, as you called it. Usually, they dress for the camera - big agbada, documents and well, hidden cutlasses. The director orders: Action! Suddenly, shouts cue in pushes and shoves. Then, the (dis)honourable members retire to share gin, later. And, you kids would be left with the burden of reenacting the drama. But since you won’t know that the lawmakers were only acting for their pockets, there lies the danger. My dear, to tell you the truth, I wanted to become a national lawmaker. But when INEC reviewed qualification to include ability to wrestle and slap, I backed out.
Itoro: But, Daddy, why do lawmakers fight?
Me: Well, to ease the boredom of sitting one place. And to burn the calories resulting from money-obesity. But, you see, none is ever serious about injuring the other. It’s all an act for the camera!
Itoro: But, isn’t that bad for the nation’s image?
Me: What - the act or the fight? Anyway, fighting by lawmakers has been raised to national art. My only concern is that they did not remember to pay royalties on the copyright to my sister, Iquo Inyang. Look, fighting, sorry, slapping is an intellectual property, protected by law. And by the way, where was Iquo on Tuesday, when some charlatans tried to rubbish her record? I swear, if she was around, ten sets of teeth probably would be lying in the mortuary by now. At least, if nothing else, slap made Iquo known nationwide!
You see, where Iquo and I come from, certain matters are better settled with blows (slaps). We have slap for every issue. If a husband fails to impregnate his wife, he gets a slap. If a woman cooks unpalatable soup, a slap settles matter. And if a child cries in the night, a slap ricochets in the house.
Since Iquo dealt the blow on the unfortunate guy, the men in the House have been careful. I wish she had slapped somebody on Tuesday so that third term would settle itself.
Really, I’m planning to lead a delegation of traditional wrestlers to beg Iquo to visit the Senate. We intend to try an experiment on Mantu. Iquo would slap his lips and the nation would watch – live – the effect on the third term plot. If the lips shrink, then third term would pull through. But if it merely quavers, then Mantu must go into exile! Or taste the Indian apple!
Some blows (slaps) perform wonders. Some could make the victim to eat only ‘mamaput’ meals in bukas - for life! Some victims are caused by certain (blows) slaps to run around town till they die of exhaustion. The one we’re reserving for Mantu might just make him swallow his third term concocted report.
On Tuesday, our Reps fought over third term. Somebody said they are humans, with the constitutional right to throw chairs and exhibit their animal instincts. I agree. But how do we differentiate humans with animal instincts from animals with human features?
FROM YOU TO ME
Dear Usoro, you may not know it, but the truth remains that you are one of the few Nigerian journalists who will not spare the pen in order to spoil Nigeria. Just Yesterday,April 28, here in Washington DC, your column was analysed by a group of Nigerians. lt was at the Public presentation of the latest work of Wole Soyinka titled 'You Must Set Forth at Dawn.' a 500 page book which presents Nigerian history and politics in prose. Before Soyinka appeared in the Hall, a group of Nigerians was discussing the roles of journalists in promoting elongation of OBJ's tenure, your articles came under analysis which eventually gave you a good pass mark ahead any other person.
Thank you for your metaphoric and poetic style, you will go a long way to instill some useful lessons, though not heeded, in these imbeciles called leaders. My regards to the entire THE SUN family for championing journalism of the 21st century.
"tola osunnuga" <tolaosunnuga@yahoo.co.uk>
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Usoro, may God continue to bless you. ‘Help, I think I’m getting old’ was the bomb. If OBJ is not seeing the gray hair on his head, he should check Iyabo or even Gbenga’s head and see things for himself.
08024564415.
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Dear Usoro, with your Saturdays write ups, my N100 is justified. Keep up the good work of telling us the ideal truth. We are all praying and watching how the competition will be; thus far all the athletes are carrying burdens. God is our litmus paper, cheers!
Bello, Kaduna. 08024253119.
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Usoro, you are unbeatable! The South/South and the South/East nauseate me with their cowardice. They sincerely should be occupying Aso Rock come 2007 for true Federalism. Instead, they are allowing these northern clowns to becloud their sense of reasoning because of peanuts. They have sold their conscience for wealth that rightly belongs to them. I prefer Kalu the fighter. Sometimes, you fight before settlement. The old politicians should go, their umbilical cords were not buried in Aso Rock villa.
08065389593.
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Re: I think I’m getting old. Usoro you are wicked! I enjoyed your article but the handsome old runner will be most uncomfortable with it.
ANDY, 08054341894.
The clown, the Stakholder
Kai Usoro, wallahi, this is a wonderpul fiece. I read your column por the pirst time and I pall in love with you, carry go the good work. you deserve a third term, unlike some people from the ROCK who wants a third term at all cost because they think Nigeria is an unfinished project. I pray everyday that they'll fail and be fatally disgraced, I'm sure you're saying amen to my prayer.
From Moses - 0806265888 (mosdachen@yahoo.com)
"Moses Dachen" <mosdachen@yahoo.com>
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Hi Usoro! Good job on your piece "who the clown is Mr. stakeholder?" I consider it witty and splendid. Come to think of it, I strongly believe that OBJ is still playing politics with Niger-Delta as long as "state-holders" continue to be the ones he ever calls to hold talks with. By the way, why must OBJ preside over the forum. Experience has shown that anything - forum, petroluem ministry, or executive arm of government presided over by him is always made to suit his whims and caprices with an open rebuke to those who dare to digress. May I sound it loud and clear to Mr. president that it is ‘un-conductstutional’ to openly rebuke and humiliate participants at public fora. Gani, say something. For those ‘state-holders’ I leave you with these wise words, next time you go for that forum "if you don’t stop talking I will send you out". SHAMEFUL!
"Michael uko" <ukobold2005@yahoo.com>
After reading your caption “Who the clown is Mr. Stakeholder”, I came to realize that a great brain is born. Please, keep it up…. From J.E Nwokpe 08038842241.
- First published in Saturday Sun of May 06, 2006
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