Thomas Crooks Thomas Crooks was just an ordinary guy until he listened to his overtaxed brain. Brain: Do you know you can be famous? Crooks: How? Brain: By attempting the infamous! So, Crooks picked his father’s AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle. He listened to his confused brain again and headed to a rally nearby. Minutes later, he did a crooked thing by firing at Donald Trump! Crooks wasn't a known professional crook. But he obviously had a enough crooked mind to store explosives in his car and home. Yes, the Trump shooter was one man. But his name, “Crooks,” gave the impression of a multiple negative character. His crooked act and plans probably justified the addition of letter “s” to a his name, making him one but many crooks! Crooks’ “crooked shot missed Trump by an inch. Thomas Crooks was probably so crooked that he couldn't think straight. But thank God he couldn't shoot straight, either. Otherwise, the world would have missed a daring, straight...
Today, I’m leading a delegation to Abuja. To move my pocket, sorry, the nation forward. You see, I like action. Like slapping people around and living happily ever after. Or making noise, after ‘chopping money’! Who wouldn’t?
Unfortunately, lately, I’ve been hungry; nothing to cheer. And my wife would not play ball – not even ping-pong. “No food for a lazy man,” she says. Ha! But I’ve been very hard working, haven’t I? How did we get children, if I wasn’t? And, I fill, at least, five buckets with water measured with a teaspoon, daily. Just - as we used to say in Kegite – “for comradic peace and national stability.” I use ‘very’ twice a day - go out ‘very’ early and return ‘very’ late. And once a week, I try to fold the tar on the road leading to Ogunlewe’s house. Haven’t I tried? “Then, how come nobody has given you money enough to cheer?” “Ask them, not me,” I replied.
That night, for the first time, she invited me to watch TV. She said some fellows were making a ‘joyful noise’ in Abuja. Noise? My stomach had been making all sorts throughout the week, how come my wife never noticed? “Money-noise, silly. Those guys - your mates - are saying a simple ‘yes’ and making N50 million.” That was it! I’d had enough! So, I packed my bag and put a call through to the Corporate Affairs Commission. I’ve worked for years and still can’t gather N5,000. How the hell can somebody get N50million just for saying ‘yes.’ Just one word! Is that why those guys went there?
What a country! You say less, you make more money than Bill Gates. And, if you steal the Central Bank, you get just six months term. Ask Tafa. We’re not just fighting corruption, in fact, we’re wrestling, raiding, tear-gassing, bombarding and smashing it. The Obasanjo way; the only way!
You see, it never really occurred to me to make money from 3rd term until some guys called me to a meeting at Excellence Hotel, Ogba, Lagos. A friend was the link. But I got there to meet coordinators of Obasanjo Solidarity Forum (OSF). Why was I hostile to their course (3rd term), one asked. The answer is in you and your organization, I retorted. In the end, they insulted me with an offer: N10,000! Imagine! Were they daft or what? Wasn’t it ever obvious to them that I don’t support any evil?
Anyway, if you can’t beat them, join them, abi? Nope! I’ve decided to be wiser. You see, this 3rd term game may just end without any journalist getting N40 million. Why? Politicians hate us. I mean, the real ‘us.’ That’s why even at functions, we’re always the last they recognize. And while other people easily “become” their professions, one fool might laugh at us if we try. Check it out: Doctor Akpan. Engineer Isidor. Architect Jumbo. Surveyor Andrew. Marketer Emeka. Cattle-Rearer Adamu. Fisherman Tutuboyoyo. But Journalist Usoro? Ha!
Anyway, I’m no longer taking the backseat in this 3rd term matter. So, I’ve registered a company called, ‘Journalists for Sixth Term (JOST).’ It’s what Yoruba people call ‘gbogbose.’ We do everything – from impregnating a wife for the husband; to burying the same man. We have the sole franchise to manufacture more ‘termites,’ in addition to the ones in the National Assembly. We’d produce 100,000 cartons of pastors who would pray for the success of life jail, sorry, term. Already, the Presidency has ordered us to fabricate one million hostage negotiators. Implication: Obasanjo isn’t ready to change anything in the Niger Delta.
JOST is also to distill about 60,000 bottles of lawyers every week. To ensure that there are enough to defend the termites that Senator Dangana Ndayako has promised to jail, soon. We’re to train a similar packet, sorry, number of judges (to pronounce them jailed); doctors (to certify them dead); surveyors (to measure the graves); architects (to build the bombs) and; professional mourners (to grace the funeral)!
We’d manufacture all the intoxicating drinks to be served at the gravesides. They’d also be sold in all major hotels – especially Transcorp. Hey! Forget one bigmouthed whatshisname-Odimegwu – with nose like Kia Picanto. We’d mint all the money to be used in the ‘world beyond’ for the 3rd ‘termites.’ The money would be stored in all the termites’ banks – including Ogbeha’s house. Oh! Ignore the fellow with droopy face like Agbani’s breast! We’d import apples from India, China, Pakistan and even Jerusalem for all those ready for a meeting with Abacha. And I have my people’s mandate to appoint an undertaker, I mean, a caretaker for all the termites. Soon, JOST would arrange youths – including drug peddlers, robbers, jobless graduates, area boys – to retrieve our national cake and ‘chin-chin’ from all those corrupt lawbreakers in the National Assembly. Please, interested applicants should post N50million each to my e-mail box.
Now, my madam is happy. She’s started playing balls – tennis ball, golf ball, basketball, football, handball and even mouth ball. She’s learning how to be a juggler. “If you can juggle ball, you can handle money,” she argued. And you know what? Never argue with a woman; not when you’re hungry. Now, madam even collects foodstuff on credit for me. She’s even measured where she’d park her jeep – on the highway! Soon, money would start ‘flowing’, abi? Our thinking is that, if one El-Rufai’s fool can get N50 million for supporting 3rd term, then we can double it. Just use your sixth sense…and support 6th term. Simple! Already, flyers, ads and posters are out.
You see, money works faster than any drug in TV ad. But it makes people senseless. Ask former Comrade Oroh. And mad! Ask Nzeribe. Suddenly, you get as confused as Ezekiel Anaka and Effiong Bob – mixing up money and mandate. “I have the mandate of my people to support the amendment and accordingly, I am in support of tenure elongation”, said Anaka. Liar! No logic; no concord! Anaka and Bob are supposed to be representing me in the House and Senate, respectively. But they aren’t respectful, at all. Otherwise, how can they be lying from their pockets? They disregard my feeling; my uncle’s wish; my mother’s plea. We don’t want 3rd term, simple! And we never told any idiot to support it. Or to collect money on our behalf! So, where did they get their ‘man – date’? From MAN (Manufacturers Association of Nigeria)?
Anaka and Bob should’ve confessed that only one ‘man’ – Chief Money - gave them the ‘date’ to support evil. It would be unfair to accuse them of illegal possession of conscience. Because if they had, they wouldn’t support 3rd term. The only guy who supports elongating Obasanjo’s insensitive regime is Mr Greed. And JOST is bent on burying him. Dead or alive! If you support the motion, say ‘aye’! If you don’t support say ‘nay’! Ah! The ‘ayes’ have it. Amen!
FROM YOU TO ME
Hi Usoro, with what is happening these days in Abuja, Itoro should be allowed to watch the on-going ‘Interpretation’ and ‘Audition’ of script and cast. God save us. 08020634686
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Hi Usoro, the source of your brilliant creativity will never dry. Baba won’t remember to ‘moneprivatize’ your pen 2 reduce, sorry to increase your write-up supply unlike PHCN 08056073561.
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See who is fighting corruption. He is busy bribing legislatures because of an inordinate ambition. Those the gods will destroy, they first make mad.
08046024267
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The Sun doesn’t shine on Saturday unless it gives you project of pun and fun a run! You’re the ultimate penman!
Unoh, 08054219315.
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Hurray Usoro, father of two-month-old talkative Itoro who has started rapping just like her father’s pen. May her future never be mortgaged by this 3rd or everlasting term saga threatening to truncate the contraption called Nigeria.
08053601789.
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Hi Usoro take note of this: Mantu, Chukwumerije, Wada Nas, Femi Fani Kayode, Daniel Kanu and a host of others have all played the same role at one time or the other. We have 1001 Mantus here in Nigeria. It’s money for hand, back for ground. Only a few principled ones.
Adeosun Lateef. 08053601789
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- First published in Saturday Sun of May 13, 2006
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