My Sallah Ram Has Been Liquidated

 

 

 I’ve been thinking of how to escape the burden of January. Just one week into it and I’m as broke as Charly Boy’s PMAN.  All my calculations fail to add up. Or multiply. Always subtracting. And dividing. So, I’ve told my wife to cut down on a few things. Like using meat to cook meal. In fact, I told her the doctor said meat is not good in January. 

 

I’ve also told her do adopt a certain contemporary measure – liquidation. That is, she must apply plenty of liquid, while cooking - to meet up with the economy. I may not be as frugal as the former CBN Governor, the late Dr Clement Isong, but economic wisdom shows that water takes a lot of space. Whether in the pot or in the stomach. I think Geography agrees, too. You see, even after we tried ‘merging’ my wife’s ‘income’ with mine, the ‘outcome’ never led to Soludo’s consolidation. So, let me warn you: If while after this – or after - you get confused, don’t worry. You are not the only one. 

 

Ah! I never expected it to be like this. At least, I had hope that somebody would ‘dash’ me Christmas  fish or New Year crayfish. None came. Now, Tuesday is Sallah and I’m in deep trouble. But, trust me, I’m working out something. I would just tell everyone that banks liquidation, I mean… that my Sallah ram was liquidated in the Bar Beach flood. Chikena! 

 

You see, it used to be convenient for some of us to shift faith, seasonally. A few years back, Christmas and Sallah were spaced comfortably months apart. So, half-smart guys like me belonged nowhere, but everywhere. Always careful the kind of greetings we answered. And the answers we gave. Because some greetings are not really what they seem. Some are meant to remind you of an earlier request. During Christmas, I am never a Christian. And afterwards, never a Muslim, either. Sometimes, none of the above. Just a human being struggling to fill a vacuum!

 

Greeting: “Brother, compliments of the season. I would come for my Christmas rice – o”

 

Reply: “I’m not a Christian –o. You have to wait for Sallah, when we Muslims do our own celebration. Then, I would kill ram, goat, chicken, fish, snail, crab and even crayfish.” 

 

Unfortunately, in recent years, Christmas/New Year and Sallah are getting too close for comfort. So, if you change faith twice in one week, somebody is bound to call EFCC that you are a ‘419er.’ Abi? But to make matters worse, there’s no money. And, like the politicians, I’m running out of lies. About a week after Christmas, the Sallah is here, so what do I tell my neighbours? 

 

Landlord: “Hello! Is that Mr. Usoro speaking on the line?

 

Me: No, this is his shadow speaking under the line.

 

Landlord: Ah! Madam, sorry – o. And he didn’t tell me he has a Yoruba wife named Shade. I know the other one, the omo-Igbo. Anyway, please when he comes back tell him that I called. And that I’m coming to see him on Tuesday. Tell him to remember that he promised me Sallah ram – o.”

 

Me:  “Ah! Landlord, na me –o. You see, I won’t be around then. Besides, I’m not a Muslim now. Till next year. And my bank has just been liquidated”. 

 

Landlord: Ah! Sorry –o! You mean flood entered your bank? Dis Bar Beach wahala sef. I hope it did not soak your money – o. Which bank?

 

Me: Savannah! 

(What the hell! I couldn’t remember any of the 13 new names. Savannah was shut around 2002, but what difference did it make? The old man wouldn’t know the difference. And I only hoped that would keep him from coming to ask for rent so soon. Every time that man calls me, my heart skips a rope. I still have his rent to settle.)

 

Anyway, all these ‘wahala’ about seasonal celebrations is money. Caught in the web of lies spun by the politicians, we either adopt some or die struggling to free ourselves from illusion. If the masses too had money to spend, nobody would make lie a national pledge – even if our politicians make it a rule. As it is, only politicians celebrate Christmas and Sallah in the real sense of it. They get Christmas and Sallah allowances. We don’t. They even get toilet allowance. All we get are promises of a better year. So, we are forced to live a lie.

 

Before Christmas, a brother promised me ‘sweet.’ He had been ‘very nice’ to me recently, so I had no reason to doubt him. “Don’t worry; we are going to have a sweet Christmas.” But I didn’t get even ‘chewing gum.’ Then, a friend said the goat he planned to send to me died in Port Harcourt plane crash. But its name got mixed up on the manifest. The goat was ‘imported’ from Abuja to Port Harcourt and would have been sent to me in Lagos after NAFDAC inspection! Now, the only things left are words. And hope.

 

But I understand; the guys probably had too many commitments. Money isn’t easy to come by. So, some of us are grateful that once in a while, somebody provides us with a ready-made excuse. For instance, don’t expect anybody to pay your debt now. He would blame it on non-passage of budget. Or the plane crashes. Or Satan (which is another name for charlatans – in business, religion, politics, etc.) Or the latest - banks liquidation. 

 

Well, believe it or not, the recent banks liquidation has a religious link. And greatly affected my Sallah. Now, where does anybody expect me to get loan from to buy ram? You see, some of those banks were so ‘nice’ that they did everything to help not only ‘charity,’ but also Sules (mosques) and Samuels (churches). One, in the ‘metropolis,’ even sponsored Eyo masquerade with N250 million. A church in Lagos got N400 million and a mosque in Ijebu-Ode received N200 million. N2.125 billion went on philanthropy. Experts say “insider abuse” crippled their growth. Meaning that the officials used to ‘abuse’ one another. Example: ‘you de craze’, ‘na ya papa get this bank?’; ‘you de mad’; ‘mumu like you’; etc. I learnt many of the bank managers were as greedy as INEC which said N54 billion was too small for election rigging next year. What are they going to buy, bullet proof jeeps?  (INEC doesn’t conduct any election, it only helps to rig. Check records, please.) Anyway, my major problem is that this liquidation thing has affected future religious festivities. I pray it should include election rigging; say amen!

 

Still, maybe we should not lose hope completely. After all, some church stickers claim, “This is your year of divine intervention.”  The other day, a pastor swore on my TV that this year would be better than the rest. Perhaps, after we melt the present crop of politicians to mint new coins? Anyway, after all the psyching, hope raising, it was testimony time. An old woman, looking like a skeleton in a Biology lab, grabbed the mic. “Pr-a-a-a-aise the Lord! Pra-pra-pra-pra-a-a-ise the Lord! My brothers and sisters, I am a true testimony that this year is going to be better than all the years of my life. As you can see, I am looking better than I was in 1999. In fact, until November of last year, we used to fast every night in my house because there was no food. But thank God, things have soon changed. Pra-a-ise the Lord! My brothers and sisters, in my house, since December last year till this morning, we no longer go hungry every night. We now do it day and night!”

 

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Jan 07, 2006