Now, Let’s Cushion Ignorance

 

My little nephew returned from school the other day calling me a fool. As if I was in El-Rufai’s National  Assembly. My offence?  His kindergarten teacher flogged him because  he didn’t know who Nigeria’s president was. Well, I confess. It was my fault, alright. 

 

Nephew: Uncle, who is the president of Nigeria?

 

Me: IMF and World Bank. They tell us what to do and we do it without question.

 

Nephew: Thank you. But what is Adams Oshiomhole? They call him president, don’t they? And he also tells us to go on strike and we obey, don’t we?

 

I said nothing. 

You see, this my ignorance has caused me great pain. Once, I was told to narrate a Bible story in Sunday School. And I thought I had a damn good story in my thick skull. I told a story of Jonah and the Whale. “When the battle of Nineveh was tough, Jonah swallowed the fish because he was very stubborn…” I only realised something was wrong when the class went down in laughter. The teacher said the fish swallowed Jonah and not the other way round. To save my face, I retorted: “Well, whether Jonah swallowed the fish or the fish swallowed Jonah, the important thing is that there was a swallowing.” I never went back there.

True, I never knew we had a made-in-Nigeria president, until my nephew returned from school the next day.

 

Nephew: Uncle, who is General Olusegun Obasanjo?

 

Me: I don’t know, but I think that’s the man who fought with  General Dokubo-Asari in the Gulf war. I think he became famous after “capturing” the “warlord” from the creeks to the top of the highest “rock.” Well, I’m not sure. In fact, I don’t know.

 

I told him I had always thought Obasanjo was an army commander somewhere in Somalia, Angola or Iraq. 

 

Ignorance has been a grave problem here. Political, psychological, social, economic. And the greatest culprit is the ruling class. Some feigned; some real. Imagine! Even a president can be ignorant of his own policies. And the pains they spread like AIDS virus. Try Obasanjo. He told the nation the other day he never knew kerosene sold for N62 per litre. Unbelievable! Three-and-half months after he increased petroleum prices? Yet, he’s his own minister of petroleum. I bet he never knew too that Abuja is in Nigeria. That Okija-patrons list hasn’t been published. That Chief Sonny Odogwu, who’s about to be given national honours, owes me and hundreds of his former workers, at least, 10 months’ salaries each. That Chris Ngige is still alive. That the killers of Bola Ige, Harry Marshal, Dikibo, Jerry Agbeyegbe, etc, haven’t been found. And that there’s no free air anymore at filling stations.

 

Wasn’t it the scripture that said, “my people perish because of ignorance”? And didn’t Plato blame ignorance for injustice in the land? Maybe he was right saying nobody would knowingly do evil, if only he knew the implications. 

 

Anyway, to “cushion” the effect of our ignorance, I decided to interview some prominent Nigerians. The ulterior motive, I swear, is to teach myself something from the experience. It’s a quick “aptitude test.” I’m told the best place to start (test or learning) is always the beginning. Alphabets start with letter “A.” So, what is your favourite “A” word?

 

Obasanjo: “Abject”. I like it because it sounds like adjective, although my Acting Assistant Deputy Senior Special Adviser on How to Play with Politics, Hunger and Poverty says there’s no adjective like “abject.” You see, “abject” means “no hope for improvement” but there’s hope in the next world. That is why I am a Christian. You have to die first to enjoy any dividend – be it democracy dividend or religious dividend.

 

Ngige: My best “A” word is “Anambra.” I will die for it, even if I have to cause confusion to get sympathy.  In fact, I thank whoever burnt my office for calling me in Abuja to be sure I was out of the way. At least, I now have my police security back. Even though they may have to “appeal” to Uba the next time he pushes me into toilet – instead of charging him with felony.

 

Dokubo-Asari: Two words. “Armed-struggle and ammunitions.” Those would guarantee self-determination of the Niger-Delta and the Ijaw people from the Nigerian state. Look, I too want to be president, you know. It doesn’t matter if everybody dies in the struggle. I’ll rule myself. In fact, isn’t that the real meaning of “self-determination”?

 

Buhari: “April 19, 2003.” I can never forget the day INEC organised a 419 election. And they said Obasanjo won. Anyway,  the court would soon swear me in as president. After Obasanjo’s tenure – even if it is in 4000AD.

 

Attah: “Airport.” You see, why I am so passionate about it is that there would be a “hanger” there for clothes sellers. I would also get aircraft engineers on standby, in case the hanger gets into the tyre of any plane.

 

 Oshiomhole: “Anger.” The Nigerian people are very angry with the ill-conceived, ill-digested, ill-ill policies of this administration. The civil society groups and the Labour are saying no to civil dictatorship. Look, I may be the leader of Labour, but I was not born in a Labour Room. Nor in the Theatre. Remember that then there was no need for “surgery” because there was no “hardship.”

 

Charly Boy: “Ability to fight pirates.” I know that is not a word, per se. But, well, a word is never enough for pirates.

 

Chris Uba: “Ambush.” The only way I can get back my investment is to teach Ngige a physical lesson – especially now that Okija has failed. The other day, I tried to flush him in a toilet but he got lucky. Damned water-system. Next time, I might try the latrine.

 

Atiku: Please, I don’t know any “A” letter word apart from my name. I’m double “A,” you know.

 

Lawmaker: “Acquisition.” Everybody in public office does it. It’s only an offence once you are caught. Like that home video acted by Joshua Dariye. Now, we might reinstate and impeach him in one breathe. 

 

Ignorance is a “virtue”, even though my naughty nephew sees it as “foolishness.” But I’ll teach him a lesson yet. When fuel sells for about N10 per litre as done in Libya. For now, let’s find a way to “cushion” the ignorance in the land. And I’m not just talking about book wisdom. My father always said there was something called “common sense.” Only I’m not sure it’s so common. If it was, how come many of us don’t have it?

 

Re: Why I hate love.

Dear usoro, This is my first encounter with your column. I was captivated by the above title, and I sat down to read, to know why anybody would hate love.   We are not deceived by the president's declaration of love for us in his Oct. 1 2004 broadcast. His love is bitter, agonising, unreliable and totally unprofitable. His love is the love that divides homes. Husbands and wives quarrelling over "chop money." Kerosene seems to consume all the "chop money." His love leaves us with drawn and withered faces. His love destroys joy; his love is satanic. I could go on and on, but suffice it to say that Nigerians, particularly women are better off without the president's professed love. 

 “Ijeamaka Nnite”,talk4nigga@yahoo.com

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Nov 20, 2004