Now, They’re Relocating Us to the Atlantic

 

WARNING: Please, if you cannot keep a secret, don’t read this column. Especially, if you are from Niger Delta but cannot swim – not even from the flood in your tea cup.  And, if you dare read, you are forbidden to discuss the content with anybody, including your dog. Well, if you have no dog, good luck. But if found disobeying the instruction, you would be thrown into the ocean. And any attempt to protest or swim out of the “grave” would be resisted by the Northerners, led by Umaru Dikko, a politician with a wide experience in “suffocating techniques.”  He knows what it means to “control resources,” like the “essential commodities” of the Shagari years. And he knows how it feels when  forced under. Never mind whether under water or crate.

 

I’m told it was based on his wide experience that the Northern delegates to the National Conference made a novel suggestion that could save Palestine from Israel. And, here’s the interesting solution to Nigeria’s problems: dump everyone into the lagoon! Well, not quite, for there has to be somebody who would do the dumping, right? I guess the delegates realised that too. So, they suggested to General Obasanjo to bulldoze only the Niger Delta people into the Atlantic. I heard that it’s a ploy for the Northerners  to take over from Baba and share the crude deposits in the creeks - as agreed at a caucus meeting of “army robbers” in 1999.

 

 The deal, I’m told, was worked out long before the statement “leaked”, like my car tank, to the press. The only problem might be the modalities. Should  the contract go to Julius Berger, Dangote or Obasanjo Farms? Well, in my “unintelligent” head (according to one angry reader, who lives next door to God) for the proposal to work, then a collaboration might be necessary for effectiveness. Very simple. In this era of cement scarcity, Julius Berger would level all the unfortunate people of Niger Delta– including my picture, since they won’t see me. Okay, the bones would be reduced to cement dust by Dangote and sold back to Berger.  Dangote could also package our blood for “export” to Obasanjo Farms. The blood and stubborn areas like the hair, teeth and nails could make very useful manure, I guess. But wait. Supposing all the bones have been soaked with oil? And, what if the Niger Delta blood all turn to crude? Again, very simple. The Northerners would suggest that they all be transferred to Kaduna Refinery. Or exported to the United States; refined and imported through the Generals. That way, nobody can talk of resource control. Since the refined oil would be coming in from abroad, how can you control what you don’t refine? Simple logic. In fact, as simple as killing for God.

 

You see, the major advantage of the novel suggestion is that unlike before, the Niger Delta crisis would have been buried with the people. Chikena! Sending some of them in Bakassi to  Cameroun was a big mistake. Because they keep coming back to argue that they belong in Nigeria. They should have been “relocated” to the ocean. All of them, except Charles Taylor. And, by now Nigeria would have been a better place.

 

It’s amazing that nobody ever thought of it until now. We must add that to Obasanjo's achievements, which include his many foreign trips, throat-clearing, etc. He initiated the confab that has now produced the unique idea of evacuating the South-southerners. Oh, forget other achievements like the Third Term talk; the sick, sorry six-year presidency; verbal eradication of poverty; fuel price increases; reduction of Tafa’s charges from 70 to 50; or even the life presidency. Of all, it is the last one that makes me lose appetite. I just can’t understand why Nigerians should worry that Obasanjo is a life president. My God, would they rather we have a dead president?

 

Anyway, that Northern delegates’ suggestion on the South-South is the best so far. Imagine, a zone that snored while the world worked up the traffic of political activity waking one morning to eye Baba’s job. Insult! The Niger Delta people were not created for leadership. In fact, they were not created at all. They only have the gene to run errands. The “house-boy” syndrome. And don’t you dare think of Tony Anenih, Audu Ogbe, Donald Etiebet, Niki Tobi, Abel Guobadia, and even my uncle’s dog. Or remember Wilson Egbo Egbo, Bassey Ikpeme. Great personalities. Some, usually contented with the perks of office. Like PR, welfare and lobby. And some other official “privileges” like blackmail, listening/clapping to Baba’s dry jokes and  kissing Mama’s hands. They dare not try it on the cheek, for that could leave offending marks on the make-up. Marks as deplorable and “eye-opening” as the Niger Delta situation. And now, the situation is attracting a “death sentence” simply because the indigenes have stirred awake, demanding their right.

 

The moment I heard that “relocation order” from the North,  I offered to relocate myself to the Atlantic. But one woman in my house would not agree. She kept shouting: “who would look after your baby?” She shouted so loud I almost woke. The saving grace was that her song sounded more like JJ Okocha’s new album, thereby lulling me back to sleep. Later, I even got to the Bar Beach, voluntarily, but there was no Northerner around to push me in. The only “mallam” there was busy “dividing” the “suya” he intended to sell to human beings with his teeth? And that’s exactly what his kin plan for us.

 

Okay, so the Niger Delta people are already familiar with the ocean. Ocean of exploitation and environmental degradation. Ocean without fish.

 

Waiter: Oga, what should I give you? We have cow leg, fish tail and human head. There’s vegetable too.  All shaved clean and served with sauce.

 

Niger Deltan: Forget details, just give me one eba. One soup. One meat, mix it with fish. Oh sorry, I don’t eat fish unless it is edible. And usually, that means fish imported from the aquarium. Where I come from, oil companies sacrifice fishes to the gods to enable them to ‘exploit’ our land. 

 

That the Niger Delta people desire to produce a president does not deserve a “death sentence.” In fact, it does not even deserve criticism. Unless that meant excising them from the geographical expression called Niger Area. What the Niger Delta people want now is 60 per cent derivation. And commendation – for waking, at long last, from the slumber induced by oil companies. 

 

Hey, I don’t know why the North’s even disturbed about derivation and resource control. Afterall, they  produce certain things – like suya, cows, etc - and control them. They even produce more Generals, who also help in controlling other “resources” like power and oil. Now, it’s our turn and it doesn’t matter if somebody’s head is broken with a straw in the Confab committee. The Niger Delta deserves a chance – to prove its cohesion. They have the right to tear one another apart or tear the other part. The only way to find out is to try. How do we know that carrot is good for the eye, except that the rabbit hasn’t gone blind yet?

 

 

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  May 07, 2005