Opportunities in Baba’s Chicken Library

 

Last week, I heard of possible job opportunities, so I jumped on the next bicycle out of Lagos. 

Friend:  General Obasanjo is about building a new library. That means more job opportunities. In fact, I heard he will soon appoint heads of sections for the library. 

Me: Which one? The ‘chicken’ library in Otta or the one used to store commissioned reports in Aso Rock? And how would my aging mother benefit from it?

Friend: Ask those who donated N7 billion for the project, in one bundle. How come they never donated such money to raise NEPA or fix roads or do anything that would benefit the poor?

 

Did he expected me to answer that? I could only imagine the possible sections a Presidential Library would have. Sections like: Abuse and Political Insult; Needs and Wants; Illiteracy and Budget Implementation; Life Presidency, etc. And, of course, some presidential advisers, special advisers, special assistants, etc would be needed. I was hinted of a slot for Presidential Adviser on Abuse and Political Insult (PAAPI).  No problem. I abuse myself sometimes and I had a bottle full of salt. So, off I went, on Ojo Maduakwe’s cheapest transport means. But when I got there, Femi Fani Kayode had gotten the appointment - heading the Abuse and Political Insult section of the library.

 

Well, I was consoled that there was another slot for a Special Assistant on Infantile Nonsense (SAIN). The hope was that since Kayode already had  posts, including that of a Special Adviser on Public Insult (SAPI), I could get the “Infantile Nonsense” job. But the panelists looked at my big head and declared that I didn’t look or talk like an infant. They needed an expert in “demented minds, defective hearing and jaundiced sight.” Kayode, they said, held a patent. 

 

After missing the chance to represent the “infants,” I tried the slot for the youths. But I was told I must “declare something,” apart from a long list of poor family members. I said I had a worn pillow and a torn bed-sheet, but they turned it down. Those, I was told, were no assets. So, Greg Mbadiwe got the appointment of Assistant Acting Deputy Special Adviser on Dubious Youths. So what did Mbadiwe declare? His age, I was told. And, beyond representing the youths at the National Conference, the 50-year-old man is also Obasanjo’s Special Adviser on Long Life. The trick of the business is to keep “declaring something” – age, intention to leave office, etc. That would keep everyone guessing some, even when the truth is obvious. Because Mbadiwe has remained a “youth” at 50,  he’s to head the Life Presidency section of Obasanjo’s library. But the youths are still awaiting his contribution to the conference in their favour.

 

Anyway, I was really serious about the library job. So, I asked if the seat of a chief librarian was taken. Ah! You needed to see how the guys there looked at me. Eventually, they were kind enough to tell me that I was not fit for the post. Because I was not intelligent, could not read, and was too young to understand the crawling, sorry, workings of government. Even when I stood, they still said I did not “understand.” Well, I learnt later that Tony Anenih got the job because he could “see far.” He once declared that there was “No vacancy in Aso Rock.” Was he right! Now, all he has to do is to sit there and read all the moves; give Jerry Gana a few kites to fly; then “fix” those disloyal to Baba. 

 

Hey! All I’m trying to do is to explain something. I went out searching for a job that could give me immunity to talk without thinking, so far as I get millions. An opportunity to “blow grammar” but saying nothing. I would have loved to work in the Illiteracy and Budget section of Obasanjo’s library, but I missed that too. Man-know-man. They gave it to Atiku Abubakar. Well, the man said our budgets were prepared by illiterates. But he failed to explain whether they came from Mars. And why did it take him six years of unimplemented budgets to find out? Okay, illiterates too failed to implement budgets, abi? Now, he should teach them how to do it right. But do we really need a budget? Obasanjo has proved that we don’t. In six years, he’s been running the country without budget. And, it’s easy. He doesn’t have to account for the oil proceeds, abi?

 

The down fall of a man is not the end of his fall, sorry, life. Now, the failed ministerial nominee could get a job in the Needs and Wants section of Obasanjo’s library. Ambassador Bayo Yusuf was away in Togo, which is 100 planets away from the earth, when Obasanjo started the nonsense called NEEDS. Thank Allah, Yusuf, an Economist, still remembered that  “needs is different from wants,” so Obasanjo could go to hell with his National Economic Empowerment and Development Strategy. If the so-called “strategy” had “empowered” the poor folks and “developed” anywhere outside the homes of the rich, maybe Yusuf would have asked questions when he returned to earth. And he probably would have been told that NEEDS is just another empty jargon. Never mind what he was defending, propagating or selling about Nigerian when in Togo. Anyway, since he knows banks send young girls into prostitution in the bid to raise Soludo’s N25 billion capital, Yusuf deserves a job in Obasanjo’s library.

 

For sitting very pretty, while “area boys” destroy Lagos, Governor Ahmed Tinubu has been penciled for the Security section of Obasanjo’s library. He didn’t need to apply. The mayhem at Ojota, Onipanu and Oshodi, within one week, qualified him. Despite the two clashes, he said nothing. Forget the belated ritual of “inquiry” into the “remote control” causes of whatever. Nonsense! Tinubu is now expected to use “area boys” to replace Ehindero’s police. 

 

Ribadu and the Reps are to jointly man the Mathematics, Counting and Compilation section. That is where the number of offences of those who fall out of Obasanjo’s line would be counted. If EFCC could count Tafa’s offences from 70 to 50 and then add another 92 without a library, imagine what Ribadu can do with one. And, if Reps could compile Obasanjo’s impeachable offences continuously since 2001 till now, they could do more in a library.

 

Well, since this is a Presidential Library, it must contain everything about the president. And what he did to and for the people. Beyond the personnel for Obasanjo’s Library, the content is important because we must research to improve on the man’s rigging prowess.  Libraries are for historical purposes and Baba sure likes making history. I heard the library would contain materials listing the number of Obasanjo’s trips abroad. Gani Fawehinmi has been contacted for input on the correct count. But of importance would be the result of such trips. Oh! Come on, I’m not just talking about the many photographs taken at the various airports across the globe. 

 

Anyway, the library must also contain the number of people EFCC and ICPC convicted since their inception. Not just those accused and arrested. I expect to see bogus names of Obasanjo’s projects that never impacted positively on my grandmother. Yes, Baba must document how many times he increased fuel prices and what he did with the money. How many people died following each price hike?. Sure, he would write books on how many times he survived impeachment plots. But I hope he would be kind enough to reveal the trick. Where, for instance, did the money displayed on the floor of the House during Na’abba’s tenure come from? How did he suppress or stifle political opponents?  I imagine the library would be rich with documents that could help in answering every question about Obasanjo’s tenure. How about the rate of inflation and poverty before and after Baba? The number of foreign investors brought in, apart from the Chinese who made fake pancakes for his wife? 

 

This library must tell us why it is necessary, while existing public and school libraries are ignored. This library must reveal how animals became men and why men were turned into animals. Otherwise, it might just be another chicken library!

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  May 28, 2005