Our Governors Are TTV Positive

 

 

A little bird crash-landed in Nigeria, last week. With a flu. Well, some experts were so worried, they ordered mass killing of chickens – even when it wasn’t Christmas. The directive, however, was to farmers – because they thought it was bird-flu. Mistake! 

 

The experts forgot we no longer have farmers. All those who pretended to be farmers before have moved into a more lucrative business – politics. Such order would’ve been valid in the days of groundnut pyramids, cocoa plantations, and well, coconut rice. But farmers no longer plant such things. Instead, they now deal with a new crop called “self perpetration”. Well, as there was no farmer to respond urgently to the medical advice, what the experts feared have materialised. The virus was passed to Nigerian politicians. 

 

But, you see, Nigerians are very wonderful people. We always have special arrangements – even with diseases, death and God. In other places, flu kills. But in Nigeria, it gives special immunity – after a little “cooperation” from the ‘victim’. 

 

Journalist: Doctor, I heard there’s a new virus in town, is that true?

Doc: Well, it is not actually in town, it is inside some politicians. And you know what? It confers some immunity and guarantee on them.

Journalist: How?

Doc: It protects those who “cooperate” against prosecution – it doesn’t matter if they stole the Central Bank. And it promises them continued relevance – around Government Houses.

Journalist: Has the virus any known name, yet?

Doc: Yeah! We are working around a number of theories – one of which is that the virus is caused by greed. It begins to manifest once a victim suffers severe political blackmail and intimidation. But the generic cause, as our investigation has revealed, is a prolonged insatiable quest for self-relevance.

Journalist: Okay, okay, doctor. Please, forget the ‘big, big grammar’. Has this virus a name?

Doc: Yes, of course. That was what I was about saying – that the generic name for it is… e-h-m, e-h-m… Should I mention it?

Journalist: Go ahead, that is what I want to hear…

Doc: Okay, don’t get excited. I would mention it – o. Should I? Well, it’s called TTV -“third-term virus”. 

Journalist: Really?! How can we identify those with the virus?

Doc: Oh! It’s quite simple. In fact, you don’t need any test to confirm a carrier. The symptoms are all there in the open. Once transmitted to Nigerian politicians, it automatically causes loss of memory. The victim immediately forgets he was once against a particular thing. Please, don’t tell anybody that I told you – o.  The virus is actually why some governors have forgotten they earlier opposed third term. Ask (Chimaroke) Nnamani and (Victor) Attah. Even those who started positioning for (Igbo) Presidency in 1999 have suddenly forgotten why they bothered. It’s as if somebody threatened them with one juju called EFCC. Suddenly, they remember that Obasanjo is the best thing to happen to Nigeria, after the discovery of egusi soup.

Anyway, ultimately, the virus makes the victim hallucinate about EFCC and blackmail. In fact, the sufferer eventually must speak in tongues – a situation that has made Pentecostal pastors to petition EFCC.

TTV gives a split personality. One moment, you could be a man; but when the EFCC reality stares you in the face, you become a woman. You might even think you are a lunatic, thereby offering yourself to be counted first by census officials – even before census.

 

Just a moment, please! I need to make some inquiries.

Me: Okay, Sir, this question is for you – the Psycho-whatever. What causes split personality?

Psychologist: Well, domestically, it’s caused by the financial status of the victim. But, politically, it’s caused by a factor called “skeleton-in-the-cupboard”. The major problem starts when you have a cupboard. There is this tendency for you to either forget a piece of bone or skeleton inside that cupboard. So, politically, it is better you don’t have a cupboard at all.

 

Well, as an ‘obedient servant’, I took the psychologist’s advice. I’ve destroyed all the cupboards in my house, including the one in the kitchen. Because of that, I fell out with the rats, the cockroaches and well, madam. And I fell out of the kitchen and almost fell into gutter.

 

Now, to preserve my sanity, I’ve decided to be more careful. To start with, I’ve resolved not to listen to rumours, no matter what. Problem is, I still haven’t raised enough money to buy earplugs. So, some fellows still won’t let me be. The mischievous idiots claim my friends – Governors Attah and Nnamani - have let them down. So, how does that concern me? I’m really happy that they were the ones “let down,” not me. You know why? I was never “up” in my imagination about a politician. They always have a way of defending their actions – which makes me wonder why Coach Eguavoen never thought of using a politician in the Eagles’ defence. 

 

Anyway, the critics kept asking me why Attah was so desperate about the constitutional review – as if I was his Special Assistant on Desperation (SAD). They say the note of urgency in Attah’s voice as he read the Governors’ decision wasn’t just because he was hungry. Attah, some fools insist, was “brainwashed” in Switzerland, when he accompanied Baba there. 

 

Okay, so Attah justified why Obasanjo should remain in office till his death. But is he the only one? Look, I don’t like it when people go personal with my governor. That man has tried for this country. Is it easy to read a forced decision? How many of those talking “nonsense” can stand a third-term induced pressure from the federal might of oppression? What do they think Attah is going to gain from the action – a mere third term promise that may not translate into anything, otan! 

Well, Attah and his collegues have agreed on “adoption” as the only option to make Nigeria a better place. Unfortunately, by the time they combed through all the motherless babies’ homes, all the babies had been adopted by hunger, starvation and death. The only person left was one Obasanjo. So, the governors – except some stubborn ones from the North - quickly adopted him. But did the cowed governors remember to ask Tafa, Awoniyi, etc, what went wrong in their ‘romance’ with Baba? And, oh! There must be something wrong with my head, because I can’t seem to recall former South West governors getting the Obasanjo-promised ‘return-tickets’ in 2003.  

 

Anyway, just because His Excellencies have “elected” Obasanjo for life presidency, some “bad-belle people” claim the governors are the first TTV positive politicians. Nonsense! They want me to criticize Nnamani and Attah. But I won’t. You know why? Nnamani is my friend. In fact, I have a library fill with his lecture-booklets – free of charge. He taught me how to remove jacket before reading speeches. From him, I learnt about “critical consciousness” and “cell-to-cell communication”. Before him, I thought cell communication only happened among suspected coup plotters. Or suspected criminals in EFCC books. Hey! Nnamani even taught me that after Obasanjo, Nigeria will collapse. Why? Because there might not be any other person qualified to insult people on national TV. I guess we should put Julius Berger on stand by; just in case Nigeria collapses. We might just need some heavy equipment to shift the debris, won’t we?

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Feb 25, 2006