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Thomas Crooks, The Trump Shooter, Is A Nigerian!

  Thomas Crooks Thomas Crooks was just an ordinary guy until he listened to his overtaxed brain.  Brain: Do you know you can be famous? Crooks: How? Brain: By attempting the infamous!  So, Crooks picked his father’s AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle. He listened to his confused brain again and headed to a rally nearby. Minutes later, he did a crooked thing by firing at Donald Trump!  Crooks wasn't a known professional crook. But he obviously had a enough crooked mind to store explosives in his car and home.  Yes, the Trump shooter was one man. But his name, “Crooks,” gave the impression of a multiple negative character. His crooked act and plans probably justified the addition of letter “s” to a his name, making him one but many crooks! Crooks’  “crooked shot missed Trump by an inch. Thomas Crooks was probably so crooked that he couldn't think straight. But thank God he couldn't shoot straight, either. Otherwise, the world would have missed a daring, straight...
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Our Politicians Need Breastfeeding

 

 

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m happy to announce that I’ve just found out why I’m so close to my mum. It’s her breasts. You see, I had a discussion with God once over breakfast – long before I was born. And I asked the big guy what he thought of the developed world’s deceptions on baby food. “Forget the salesmen, boy. Ask your mama for food, and you shall never depart from it”.

 

Before then, the third world was told the best food for babies was in cylindrical tins. Dried straight from cows, they claimed. And guess what?  Mothers were told they had to preserve theirs for yoghurt. They stuffed their kids with cow products and what did they get? Children who turned out to behave like animals! Ask General Olusegun Obasanjo. I heard he’s conducting an experiment in Aso Rock on men and animals. A film may follow soon, based on his book, This Animal called Man. Probably a sequence to the documentary, “From Prison to Presidency,” this epic to be co-directed by Tafa Balogun and Abel Guabadia, would star IBB and Atiku. I’m not sure who would play the animal, but I heard Jim Iyke is the favourite for the stunt.

 

Anyway, Baba reportedly said recently that most of the societal problems could be traced to poor breastfeeding. In other words, only those of us who hung to mama’s soft part are doing well.  Now, we know that all those corrupt public officers – greedy fuel marketers, heartless politicians and bad leaders never had enough of breast milk! 

 

Hey! All those who do not like breast stand this way. All right, they seem to outnumber us. I blame UNICEF. But I had always suspected God created breasts for a good reason. In fact, he told me it wasn’t meant to merely push up girls’ cropped tops on campuses.  “It’s for baby’s proper growth”, He lectured me at that breakfast table. And, one dubious angel almost served us tea with milk imported from Poland.  Well, I left the spot with a song for a PMAN concert: “A properly feed baby never loses strength or intelligence. Doesn’t fall ill easily, either!” 

 

True, there’s something in the breast milk that gives all round stay-power. Ever wondered why our male politicians appoint Special Duty aides to arrange women for them? They need more breasts, jare! Well, it appears men benefit most from the breasts. As babies, they grab mummies.’ Then, later, they “drink” the girls’ and madams.’ So, how come their poor showing in the society’s still blamed on the breasts? Agreed, poor breastfeeding could affect an individual’s later life. But, I suspect, so might too much of it. Otherwise, what excuses have our politicians with their retinue of mistresses?

 

Me? Well, you see…yes! I like breasts. I drank a lot of milk from mum’s. And when she said I was too old to suck her dry, I got married. So, I like breasts, I won’t lie. I can’t afford to be as hypocritical as Senate President Adolphus Wabara, who tried to lecture us on “free and fair election” the other day. How fair was the one that led him to the Senate? Yes, I can’t be like Alani Akirinade, who blamed the military for Nigeria’s woes. The same military he was a part and benefited from the “woes”? I certainly won’t be like Jerry Gana, who tells us Nigeria has the “most refined system of rigging” in the world. Yet, he benefits from the system. And who refined it, anyway. Certainly, not my grandmother. I’ll never be like Obasanjo, who plays Father Christmas with our N7billion - donating it to outsiders while we die in poverty and want. Nigeria that has been unable to service its creditors granting loans to a better-organised country like Ghana? It’s a laugh. I had enough breastmilk for dinner to be deceived, please. And I hate two-faced people. 

 

People who had poor breastfeeding are probably always thirsty. So, they go on drinking spree later in life. Anything – beer, palm wine, groundnut oil, pap, gin and even urine. Eventually, pushed by greed, they “drink” so much breast milk that they end up with constipation. And why not? Usually, such breasts are “easily exposed” – on Emeka, Okon and Idemudia’s beds; on street corners and on campuses.

 

Anyway, breastfeeding is a serious issue. If you want a baby you would be proud of, try exclusive breastfeeding! Forget water and tin food for about six months – they’re all in mama’s breast. Remember, I got this information from upstairs. Act on it, and like a con-preacher would say, you’d never regret it. Baby-friendly. Mummy-friendly. And Daddy-friendly!  If you’ve never heard of those words, they’re direct relations of exclusive breastfeeding. Maybe, just maybe, if all of today’s children are breastfed exclusively, for at least six months, they may one day form a society of humans – as against today’s animal society. Pity! Yesterday’s children raised mainly on cow milk have polluted the society with animal greed, avarice and lust. A psychologist blamed their self-centredness on “deprived childhood.” No wonder they sometimes behave like kids. Forever “nascent”. Somebody get me a feeding bottle, will you? Let’s stuff these babies with proper milk so they can “develop”.

 

 

 

  • First published in Saturday Sun of  August 21, 2004

 

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