PDP Has Postponed Christmas

 

 

 I woke this morning with a surprise. First, I never knew that Christmas was just two days away, until I listened to the news. Just when I was thinking about it, the newscaster said it has been postponed! 

 

The first news headline that cleared sleep from my eyes was, well,  throat clearing! Then, the broadcaster settled down to business. “Good morning, listeners. And compliments of the season. Here is wishing you a very ‘many’ Christmas,” he said.  “Here’s the news. First, the headlines. President Babasanjo has found his long lost brother and successor to the Aso throne.” Pause. “The PDP government has postponed this Christmas.” Another pause. “Now, the news in full.” Throat clearing!

“Some unprecedented  miracles happened recently at the PDP redemption, sorry, conscription, I mean, convention ground. But, surprisingly,  there was no pastor in sight.

 

“First, according to our team of reporters, PDP miraculously ‘did things’ in darkness. Our correspondents reported  that everybody at the con-vention  ground was awed when dark forces descended and enveloped the ballot boxes. Although some analysts described the forces as ‘dark’ and ‘evil’ inherent in PDP and manifesting its true character, party stalwarts however disagreed. Some of them blamed the darkness on NEPA, forgetting that there’s no such body in Nigeria, anymore. However, the Power Holding Company of Nigeria, unlike HAMAS and MEND,  refused to accept (ir)responsibility for any act of sabotage or terrorism at the convention.”

 

“Another miracle was that President Babasanjo was reported to have found his long lost brother and successor to the Aso throne. Consequently, there was no need for the kingmakers to make any selection, unlike what happened in the case of Owu kingship tussle. The report said many marveled at Baba’s miraculous “sharp eyes” - despite the thick darkness.  While some critics argued that Baba must have cat eyes to be able to see in the dark, others insist that he and Yar’Adua do not look alike. Still , Baba beat them to the game and announced that Yar’Adua is actually his successor! No need for election, Iwu and his team of clowns should go home!

 

“Our in-house political-tourism correspondent recalled that the journey in search of Baba’s ‘successor’ was more tedious than the Gulder Ultimate Search (GUS). However, unlike GUS, the winner was always known to Aso Rock. Which was why Baba had always insisted that PDP governors should search for his ‘successor’ among them. Unfortunately, some of them who had malaria, thought they might, by mistake, be the ones. Consequently, they pumped state funds into campaigns that had neither focus nor originality. Hence, most Nigerians told this broadcast station that they were happy that PDP was magnanimous enough to ask some of its clown-governors to go back home. Our man spoke to some respondents from the states where some of the PDP clowns, sorry, governors came out to waste money( in South-south and South-east); only to lose their balls, sorry, guts on the eve of the primaries. (Cue-in respondents):

 

Respondent 1: ‘My name is Akpan Akpan Udo Ekpo of Ikot Akpan Udo Nnwa  Eyen in Akwa Ibom State. You see, I supported my governor because he increased the number of ‘credible aspirants’ from the South-south. And, by PDP, he could talk from both sides of the mouth. One moment he said there was agreement to shift power to the North. The next moment he said there was none. 

Anyway, since Gov Attah promised us IPP, Ibom Resort and even Refinery this month, I’m happy he’s returning home to finish some of those projects. You see, he was seriously distracted since he had to travel to every shrine and palace to take pictures with  traditional rulers. And to pay money, sorry, homage, to every herbalist and village head. Especially, in the North and some parts of Yorubaland. To make matters worse, he still surrounded himself with charlatans, who can’t tell the difference between  campaign and photograph sessions. My only regret is that he was not allowed to go and taste the Kontagora experience – scoring the universal number called zero! Now,  Attah would hide behind the excuse that he stepped down. From which step? Anyway, he should go back and work, mbok!’

 

Respondent 2: My name is Chukwudi Uchechukwu 1 of Ndigboland Autonomous Community of Imo State. I supported my governor,  Achike Udenwa, because he brought Mr Biggs to our state. He also brought presidential ambition. Now,  everybody would address him not just as the Executive Governor  ‘Do Nothing’ of Imo State, but also as a presidential aspirant of PDP. I’m happy he was sent home so that he can add that to his CV, since he has no other visible achievements. The others may be in his house and pockets, but I can only talk about what I have seen, chikena! 

 

Respondent 3: My name is Fibresima Peters James-Johnson Hamburger. I am a proud citizen of Rivers State. I am very proud of Governor Odili, especially, for causing EFCC to visit our state - to study the architecture of his power plant. But I am also happy that he has returned home to count the remaining money in readiness for Yar’Adua’s campaign. Well, he has already promised to support Yar’Adua - with the remaining money. Everybody said Odili ran the most glamorous campaign, but was it free? How come nobody, including PDP, seems to ‘sympathise’ with either Odili or Rivers citizens? That money could have been used to save the lives of the next set of hostages, abi?

 

Respondent 4: My name is Offiong Abasi-Eyo Okon Eyen-Obong Cobham  of Anantigha in Cross River State. I just love Governor Duke. Fine boy, no pimples!  Only dimples! He has done well for us by bringing oyinbo people to come and buy some of our ‘things’ every Christmas. Especially what  our girls have ‘for sale’! He calls the show Christmas Carnival. That’s why I did not want him to go to Aso Rock. Ah! He would have forgotten us and TINAPA. The day he declared for presidency, I wondered if he was hosting Miss World pageant. Then, I wondered what would happen to the TINAPA advert on CNN – even though the project is still at ‘ground-zero.’ So, I’m happy Duke was sent home to think of more Obudu Mountain Races. Only his wife would not be able to organise it, I swear.

 

Respondent 5: My name is Nnekachukwu Kalu Chukwuemeka of Edda Community in Ebonyi State. If you notice too many ‘chukwus’ in my name, don’t worry. My great-grand parents once told me that any Igboman without ‘Chukwu’ in his name is not a true child of Biafra. Ndi Igbo kwenu-o! Anyway, I’m happy that Governor Egwu has been forced to wake from his dream. That man believes so much in dream, vision, prophecy, etc. Doesn’t matter if they are induced by malaria, typhoid or yellow fever. But you can’t blame him because ‘visioners’ always ‘put mouth’ in his every political moves. Still, I’m also happy that he would now have enough time to tend his mustache. The few weeks he was on the campaign, the thing almost turned all white. And, in one of his photographs, they were growing so fast that they almost spilled out of the newspaper”. (Cue out respondents /cue in broadcaster):

 

“Well, dear listeners, while we leave the other aspects for our News Analysis Department,  our correspondents noted that at the PDP conscription, sorry, convention  ground, only the none initiates were shocked by the ‘miracle’ of succession. They didn’t even know that the ‘miracle’ actually started the night before. In one second of  unprecedented ‘miracle,’ the PDP forces swept even those who spent our money for months into oblivion. Suddenly, they were not worthy of the contest. Some mischief-makers and opponents of the party quickly asked why the ‘spineless’ governors where allowed, in the first place, to spend the people’s money - junketing the nation and the media.

 

“In the other item in the news,  PDP says it has postponed Christmas. In fact, the party’s Garrison Commander, Chief PDP himself, even told our correspondent that Christmas would soon  be banned, completely. He said, for now, anybody caught celebrating it, especially with rice and chicken, would be impeached by the EFCC. And sent to jail for killing. “Nigerians seem to forget that the Bible says, ‘thou shall not kill’ – it doesn’t matter if it’s chicken or turkey or fish!” In fact, he said the new PDP constitution says anyone caught eating rice on Christmas must be sentenced to jail inside an anthill. Chief PDP explained that the reason they ensured that the price of rice rose through the roof was to discourage poor Nigerians from that nonsense they call celebrating Christmas. 

 “Moreover, nobody is expected to travel this Christmas, especially those Nigerians from the East, who hate sitting one place. Any of them caught  on the road on Christmas day, he added, would be buried in Ore-Benin-Ontisha gully! That ends the news; expect more on our other bulletins, later”.

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of Dec 23, 2006