Peace is Now in Pieces

 

I suspect until last week, General Olusegun Obasanjo didn’t know that “peace” was a woman. So, each time “she” edges closer to his domain, he decreed “her” dead. But the police hadn’t the nerve to accuse Baba of “woman slaughter.” Who born them? Instead, they claim the man has no abattoir in Otta. And they leave an existing law to quote a dead “Public Order Act” so they could arrest my grandmother for protesting the “killing” of her friend called “Peace.”

 

My mother too loves “peace.” Most times, her song goes thus: “Please, I don’t want any trouble. I want peace.” So, I don’t only make sure there’s always somebody named Peace by her, I hire a priest who keeps chanting, “Peace be unto you.” Twenty-six hours a day! Then, my siblings employ many Peaces - each to serve her for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And I insist she must take a bottle of minerals called “peace” five times in one minute. I want her to live longer because there’s no money for her funeral. That’s why she’s alive yet.

 

But in Abuja, I’m told, the security operatives deceived Obasanjo that “peace” was Oshiomhole’s other name. So, with orders from “above” the SSS wrestled Adams to the ground on Saturday, October 9, 2004, and he surfaced later with a plastered elbow. His “aluta jacket,” the very one he reserved for Christmas, was torn. That’s why his “Adam’s apple” popped in excitement as he taught some police officers a few constitutional lessons on Monday. Then, he was tricked to Aso Rock Cinema to watch a movie called, “A General Without Peace.” It stared somebody dressed in Obasanjo’s Owu cap – in eternal war against his people. And ultimately against himself. As the movie came to a close, the “actor” cried: “I need peace,  but I can’t do without war. I’m a soldier, damnit!” 

 

Obasanjo was also at that movie. That’s where he got the most recent shock of his life - when he spotted “Peace” on a piece of paper before him. It was a fuel strike Monday. One Mrs Peace was among those in an “afterthought” committee to recommend how to “cushion” the effect of the fuel price hike. That was when Baba knew that “peace” was a woman. And he showed sufficient interest, too.

 

OBJ: “Mrs Peace. Peace be unto you. Is she here? She’s in Lagos? I would like to meet her. I need peace in my life.”

 

I waited for the usual subservient “clap-for-oga’s-dry jokes,” but none came. Nobody even said “amen” to Obasanjo’s  wish to have peace. How wicked. So, who told them that “whether selected, elected or appointed”  they had any  right not to clap when Baba  lifts the “one thousand, five hundred” flap of his agbada? Or when he clears cobwebs from his throat or farts?

 

Peace? Who the hell needs peace, where there’s might? They never go together. Once you exert force – whether of arm, of mouth, of idea, of policy, etc, peace would either flee or be killed.  If you still  wonder why the women was not in Abuja, when Obasanjo “needed” her, then “my head is not correct.” Call the incident coincidence, if you like, but we all know that’s a big grammar. Very symbolic! 

 

Peace has suddenly become an “essential commodity” in our land. It’s been battered and abused. Peace  has been broken in pieces. Now, everybody is searching for it. Yet, even with Baba’s double lenses, peace remains elusive.

 

Citizen 1: Hey! What the hell are you shouting for?

 

Citizen 2: I’m on strike; I’m protesting the fuel price hike.

 

Citizen 1: Can I have some peace, please?

 

Citizen 2: Your new girlfriend? She traveled to Abuja this morning – to see her politician Sugar Daddy. While you were sleeping, I heard her saying she had increased her “fuel price” and only the rich can afford. 

 

Here’s a new peace lesson from the National Institute for Peace Acquisition (NPIA). Peace “travels” as often as Obasanjo, but anytime you need it, flaunt a red flag before a bull. Or release a bull into a china shop. Or take an Obasanjo-like anti-people decisions before thinking. Then, out of “compassion and spirituality” appoint  24 full-blooded adults to use “cushion” to mop the fuel crisis. Imagine! I spent the whole time listening to the rollcall and you know what? My name was not there! Very unfair. Sad!

 

The latest hike wasn’t the first. It certainly won’t be the last. So, why do we always pretend to be looking for solution after deliberately creating the problem? Why wasn’t the committee set up before the increase? And, oh! What happened to the previous committees, please?

 

Anyway, “cushion” isn’t really the most comfortable  arrangement yet, thank you. And, don’t mention. Not if it’s for chair. Decoration, yes! But minimum comfort. They fall off easily, especially where there are children. Yes, people use it now for chain-chairs, wrought-iron chairs, etc. But, please, as nice as it may look, never compare it to upholstery.  So, I really do not see what comfort Obasanjo’s “cushion” would give me. I would rather he leaves the fuel prices alone, while I sleep on the floor. Me too, I need peace, please. Even the pieces of it!

 

FROM MY MAILBOX

You are incredible!

Dear Usoro, please tell me what kind of  person

are you. I read your article in the Saturday Sun of October 9, 2004, entitled, "Why I hate Love." Man, I just could not stop imagining what kind of person you are because of the way you put all the things together. It’s really nice. Please don’t stop because you are fabulous.

 "stephen vincent" <allmen_2@yahoo.co.nz>  

 

Ride on

Man, you are great! Ride on in your write up, don’t relent in writing more. Each time I read your piece, I feel so excited. More grease to your elbow.

"KINGSLEY NWOSU" <dekings4sure@yahoo.com>  

 

Can’t do without the Sun

Hi, Mr. Saturday Tonic! You always brighten my Saturdays and that of my friends, to the extent that even if I miss the Daily Sun, I don’t think I can do without Saturday Sun. 

"onyema eleazu" <paulonyema@hotmail.com>  

 

Truthful write-up

  I was pleased with your write up about girls who starve in order to be beauty queens. I hope they will learn from your write-up. I have one now at home who is about to die in her bid to be Miss Nigeria.  She now has ulcer, a chronic one. So please, let our girls  be cautious. 

 "Kalu Amaobi" <onyennaa1@yahoo.com>  

 

Good work

Thank you very much for your write-up, keep up the good work. I hope that one day, our leaders will listen. Before a revolution takes place.

 "Agboola Olu" <olubank04@yahoo.com>  

 

Simply too good

l just want to commend your style of writing. l like it very much. Keep it up.

l want to react to your article on breast milk. l don’t  think our politicians sucked their mothers’ breast. The way they do things, you would wonder if they suck only cow breast. Let’s just pray that God will deliver them some day.

"odihekandu ifeanyi" <clinton242001@yahoo.com>  

 

You won my admiration 

Hello, my name is Victor James. I was born in Benue State of Nigeriato Abia State evangelical parents. I currently reside in the United States, New Jersey to be precise. I came across a compilation of your articles in the Saturday Sun Newspapers online and fell in love with your style of writing - which is mixing humor with intelligent and insightful articulations.

"Victor James" <victorjames1@msn.com>  

 

Re: Beauty Pageant

I read your article titled, ''Beauty Pageant is Monkey Business'' in the Saturday Sun of July 31,2004. Serious as the issues raised were, the way you satirised them  kept me laughing and shouting Usoro! Usoro!! It was a wonderful piece and we need such outright and frank “attack” on issues that border on social and national interests. Please  keep it up

"sub bulum" <sub4k5@yahoo.com>  

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Oct 16, 2004