Pity! Amala Causes AIDS in Oyo.

 

I don’t like “amala,”  but I guess I have to try now.  You see, I have this ambition that when I grow up, I must join politics. And I’ve been warned to first learn how to eat “amala and gbegiri.” I heard it’s a special delicacy that gives long life, strength, native intelligence, and powerful connections that could keep you out of jail. Especially, if you are a rich, old thug. Or an aspiring one - like me.

 

Well, I’m off to Ibadan, where the real action is. In fact, all the members of the Standard Association of Thugs and Agberos in Nigeria (SATAN) have moved there – the headquarters – killing all the rams in sight for celebration. Unlike those uniformed people, we, the thugs are solidly behind Alhaji, Chief, Dr, God(father) Ram…(sorry, I have problem with my accent) Lamidi Adedibu. You see, he needs our support to make both the “amala” celebration and regime work. I swear, it’s not easy for a 78-year-old man to remove a “sitting” governor, abi? 

 

Sitting? Oluwa –o! He must have been idle. And probably fell asleep in the process. Enemies of old age claim if Rat sorry, Rashidi Ladoja was not “sitting,” perhaps he’d have seen where Adedibu was coming from. If he was “standing,” he’d have been in control of the situation. But, like a cripple, he merely sat there and talked tough, forgetting he wasn’t in control. Ladoja was only in office and not in power. So, he wasn’t aware that “amala” has a bonding effect – almost with a cult spirit. Forges alliance like alcohol on drinkers. Or like cigarette on smokers. If only Ladoja knew, he would’ve had “amala” lunch with Adedibu. With General Obasanjo in attendance. Then, he would have pleaded “total loyalty.” Those men love to hear that. I swear, you can’t ignore a man who loves “amala” so much that he uses it to  play politics. Adedibu confessed once that he plays “amala politics,” still Ladoja insisted on serving everybody with salad. Nonsense!

 

Look, Adedibu, I heard, was once a weightlifter. I’m yet to confirm but one thug said he got so many medals then, including gold from Mecca. The man went for hajj and came back with a lot of them. While some pilgrims were trying to stone Satan, or dying in the process, Adedibu got smart. What’s the point antagonising Satan, instead of a deal? In the end, some idiots claim, the man returned with a “heavy” quantity of gold to prove his smartness. The collection, some mischievous fellows claim, included  gold cups, gold wristwatches and, well, gold teeth. Since he personally carried the ‘load,’ some fools tagged him: “strongman.” But you shouldn’t believe everything you hear. To SATAN, such a tale is told only by fools. And disgruntled people like Ladoja, who envy Adedibu’s success.

 

Well, there could be some truth in the weightlifter story. Oh, don’t look for the evidence is the man’s frail muscles. Nor in his admission that he’s a thug. He “lifted” a “sitting governor” out of office! What other evidence do you need, you idiot?! Okay, what do you think gave Adedibu the power? “Amala,” of course! And “gbegiri.” I heard “amala” caused his disagreement with Ladoja. While the old man preferred “amala politics” – which means ‘chopping’ till the soup drips to your elbow – Ladoja preferred salad. As if his ancestors ever ate raw leaves. To make matters worse, he insisted on counting the leaves before every meal. No cream whatsoever, including Irish Cream, Nku Cream or even Tura. All the members of SATAN agree that Ladoja was too stingy. He even refused to share his graying mustache. And the state allocation. How stupid! Doctors say that’s what lack of “amala sense” does. 

 

However, some Oyo lawmakers accepted the god(father) and their ancestral meal. After eating “amala,” some busybodies claimed, they all got AIDS. Well, as reported in the American Academy of Science journal, it has never happened before. In fact, on hearing of “amala” and AIDS on CNN, America and Britain sent in experts to find out the variety. They were shocked  that the kind in Oyo has never been found anywhere, before. A unique kind of AIDS that qualifies for the Guinness Book of Records. It’s called Adedibu Impeachment Drive Syndrome (AIDS)!

 

Nutritionists say “amala” is a very good food. It nourishes the body more than hunger. It’s soft and tender to the stomach. The principle of “amala,” however, is in its nature. Since it is soft, it does not satisfy easily. So, a glutton like me could eat ten drums before feeling the weight of anything inside. Problem is, the “gbegiri” soup may not be enough to take ten drums. Experts, however warn that too much of it could be harmful – especially if you don’t show enough gratitude to the “amala god(father).” That explains why some of the lawmakers, in a display of “total loyalty” to the god(father), “dismantled” all laws made after Ladoja’s salad meals. “Amala” is now the legislative meal in Oyo, amen!

 

You see, I suspect that food that made Oliver Twist famous must have been “amala.” He ate and ate and ate but never got satisfied. So, he asked for more. Many years later, he changed his name to Adedibu. Only this time, Twist had grown older, wiser and, well, wealthier. So, he could dig up a little mud, just enough to threaten to smear some yellow bellies with. And, with the salad-loving  governor out of the way, an “amala” eating fellow had to take his place. Now, it’s  “amala” celebration time. 

 

Well, SATAN is planning a bill to raise “amala” to  national status. To start with, at every function, there must be “amala” on item seven – menu! menu!! menu!!! In fact, the “amala” bill, when passed into law, would replace the 1999 Constitution. Nobody in power obeys the constitution, anyway.  “Amala law,” would redefine national politics. 

 

Ladoja made a costly mistake. He thought because he shared a few things in common with Obasanjo  - like love for foreign trips and Ankara – he was protected. But “amala politics” is  serious “business.” An investment that does not attract EFCC, ICPC, NAFDAC or even SON (Standard Organization of Nigeria). Punishment for corruption used to fall on those demanding bribe and those giving it. But not in “Amala Law,” which I heard Aso Rock has started implementing. That’s why Adedibu has pocketed Oyo State today, even after asking for a state allocation. He bragged on TV that he deserves a large share of it. It’s all “amala politics”!

 

In the last few years, we’ve seen “amala” tendencies in action. Talks about tenure extension is all about “amala” principle. “Amala” effect got Tafa into jail. It landed Alamieyeseigha in London court and eventually pushed him out of Bayelsa Government House. Whether in politics, in our national football and even in churches, “amala” principle has set. The fight over money in churches arise from “amala” principle. 

By the way, can’t we borrow Adedibu’s lawmakers and the “amala” principle to “impeach” Galadima from NFA? 

 

Anyway, Ladoja had dinner with the devil but insisted on using his fingers. Was that naivety or stupidity? The only thread of hope left for him now is that “amala,” I’m told, doesn’t give common sense. That’s probably why those supporting “amala” politics fumbled, by ignoring the constitution. Big shame the acting Chief Judge led the Adedibu squad.

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Jan 21, 2006