Please, Send the Corrupt Ghosts to Jail.

 

Please say after me: I (put only your native name), hereby swear  that I am not rich and therefore, do not enjoy any immunity, contrary to General Olusegun Obasanjo’s claim. Note: This verbal affidavit would be taken to Okija shrine for endorsement. So, please, sign it with your saliva only. Note: I’m trying to identify those frustrating the  anti-corruption war. Obasanjo told us the campaign failed because so many people were covered by the immunity clause in the Constitution. 

 

Lawyer: I put it to you that you are covered by immunity in the constitution. Baba  tells no lie. Now, answer me, are you covered?

 

Harassed citizen:  My lord, once I thought I was  covered by my wife’s wrapper.  That night, cold almost killed me. The damned thing slipped off. Even the PDP umbrella is not big enough to cover all of us. Me? I don’t even have insurance cover. What is the meaning of immunity, anyway?

 

Those who went to school tell me “immunity” is “exemption from prosecution…; protection from something unpleasant… or a body’s ability to resist disease.” If that is true, then  “immunity” is not for mortals like us. For we have been exposed to everything unpleasant; we’ve not only been “prosecuted” by those we  hoped would represent us, we have also been “persecuted”.

 

The Nigerian constitution is too small to cover everybody. How can a pamphlet of about 200 pages cover about 140 million people? Somebody said the Section 308 immunity only covers about 75 –  president and governors. Plus, their deputies. Officially. But even if you add their families, relations and concubines  should that  stop prosecuting even one person since 1999. In a country so blessed with corrupt officials and morally bankrupt contractors?

 

 Immunity was already in the Constitution long before Obasanjo shouted on the roof top that he was going to “kill” corruption.  Now, I think Baba should sack the guy who misplaced his magnifying glass. Otherwise, this immunity demon would have been spotted long ago and dealt with before setting up ICPC. 

If anybody had asked me, I would have produced somebody for prosecution. There’s a particular rat in my friend’s house that is very “corrupt”. It eats all kinds of poison – kill-and-dry; Kick-front and back; kill-and-go; kill-and-stay; come-and-chop; chop-and-quench;  otapiapia; mobilization-fee; Gamaline 20, etc.  And it even drinks the beer in the fridge. Then, leaves the kitchen light on, and goes to sleep inside the oven. But it returns the following day. My friend, poor guy, has searched the entire house. And there’s not even a drop of immunity in sight. So, how does this rat escape all the traps?

 

Somebody must have forgotten  to tell us that “immunity” isn’t for the poor. Very expensive. To get one, you have to pay heavy. And to keep it, something must “drop”. It’s a simple Nigerian calculation that has nothing to do with  the constitution. 

 

Anyway, some of us who can’t afford “immunity” have experienced more than prosecution. We’ve been “persecuted”. No “immunity” against poverty,  market forces, inflation, rising rents, high transport fare, soaring fuel prices, etc.  We don’t even have “immunity” against election rigging. Without immunity, the body is exposed to all the vagaries of nature. That explains why  your wrapper seems too small some nights. Terrible cold. Utterly criminal! And when your umbrella can’t protect from a storm, it means you have no immunity.

 

Well, if we can’t prosecute one corrupt rat  for five  years, why did Obasanjo inform us that there’s so much corruption here? Even the  Catholic bishops said that much last week – insisting the country was drifting. Still, there’s been so much talk about ghost workers. 

 

Journalist: Sir, have you found any corrupt ghost worker in your ministry? If yes, are you going to prosecute them?

 

Minister: Thank you for that interesting question. God bless your grandmother’s ghost. Last month, the “identification parade” at the pay points in my ministry showed that we had 50,000 ghost workers. And  95 per cent of them are corrupt. I assure you that the government would leave no stone unturned  (meanwhile, there are stones everywhere  blocking the entrance of his office and he won’t  as much as use them to fill the pot holes on our roads) in our determined effort to fish out these corrupt ghost  officials. (The man doesn’t even know a fish hook from a cloth hanger). As for prosecution, many of them are under immunity. In any case, we have begged Chief Gani Fawehimni to take up the brief because we are determined  to  send all the corrupt ghosts to jail. 

 

Journalist: Corrupt ghosts? Anyway, Sir, are you saying Gani  is representing the FG? 

 

Minister: No, no, no. Please don’t mosquito, I mean, don’t misquote me – o. I don’t want  trouble with Gani – o. You know that man sues  anybody. Anyway,  we are about getting in touch with him. But in case he refuses, we have asked Chief Emeka Omeruah to find out where the N1.6 billion Olympic money is. Omeruah is not a police IG, mind you, so we are not expecting more than one report from him. Actually, I don’t talk to the press. But you can take my photograph. 

 

Corruption, I’m told, lives in Abuja, among other prominent places. El-Rufai said he has seen it many times. He shouted the other day that he saw it in two human shapes inside the Senate chambers. But the thing changed shape before anybody could notice. Imagine! It even has many plots of land in the FCT. But it would still escape el-Rufai’s re-registration. 

 

What about the CHOGM and the All African Games affairs? Oh! That? Forget it, “saints” kept the money in foreign accounts for safe keeping. But as usual, saints are always dead. And the thing with “rainy day” savings is that you can’t even get to the bank because of flooded streets. But if you’re daring enough, you might get to the bank’s gate in time to witness water wash away your money. Try and see.

 

Since ICPC came, about nine  governors have been under probe. One was even referred to the Chief Justice of Nigeria, Mohammed Uwais. He was to appoint an independent investigator to look into the matter. Then, silence! Maybe they are calling us “fools” with  such replicated silence. Of course, they can dare us, since we have no “immunity”. 

 

Fine! Governors are under immunity, so can’t be prosecuted. But does the constitution stop investigation too?  At least that keeps somebody busy. This idea of sitting idle is really demoralising. ICPC should learn something from the police and SSS.  A little noise helps, or you’d be forgotten for dead. And, please, what does it take to “investigate” other than saying  that you are? Then, produce copious reports  - in five volumes. All could have Akanbi’s photographs on the cover, but he must not spot his traditional beard in all. We need a little variety as spice, abi?  

 

After a failed corruption campaign, how we expect the creditor nations to take us serious beats me hallow. Already, the US has refused to grant us debt relief because we are “too rich to be poor”. Paradox! Put another way, Nigeria is too corrupt to be pure. 

 

FROM MY MAILBOX

In search of Mr Trust

Usoro, I so much adore your style of writing. Even in the ICPC, EFCC, Obasanjo's anti-corruption talk, Mr Trust is nowhere to be found. In the Nigerian Police, "Mr Anathema", has usurped the office of "Mr Trust" unceremoniously. God help me to trust myself as I join you in the search hunt for "Mr Trust."

 "Daniel Udo" <st_deenams@yahoo.com>  

 

Olympic gold

It’s a pity you did not attend the last Olympic. I bet you would have won a gold in skill writing and techniques. Nigerians were so lucky to have won two bronze medals but when will we ever learn? I believe it is time for us to start preparing for future events like the Olympic on time or we may never win even a metal, let alone a medal.

"ibe ugochukwu" <mgns_ace@yahoo.com.au>  

 

I disagree

Dear Usoro, a million thanks to you for recent article about trust. Thanks, especially for referring a part of  it to the South-south governors. It is the same lack of trust and probably the issue of who picks  the illusive vice presidential ticket in 2007 polls that currently placed Cross River as most affected HIV and AIDS State in Nigeria. While I will admit existence of this dreaded disease in the state, I strongly disagree that it is the worst hit

"ernest obeten" <ernestobeten@yahoo.com>  

 

Trust to the dogs

It’s quite amazing that trust in Nigeria has gone to the dogs. I wonder if one can comfortably trust even domestic pets in this country when their masters' can't be trusted. It’s only God that will save us from this

distrust. 

"christopher okaro" <okaro@justice.com>  

 

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Sept 24, 2004