Security alert? Lai lai!

 

Grandpa was a security guard. Armed with sticks, a snuff box he never used and cola nuts, he spent nights outside our community secondary school. “I try to be alert; I have to be alert, always,” he said once – much to himself than to me. “I am always alert, even when I fall asleep,” he added, as if to correct himself. But only the burglars, mosquitoes and the cold wind could confirm that. They sure slapped him awake a few times to bear witness.

 

But grandpa wasn’t the only “alert” security, who slept on duty. The guy who guards our street is also always “alert.” About 11 pm, he stretches across a bench by the entrance of the street. The other day, at the landlords/tenants meeting, he swore: “I’m always alert. In fact, my eyes never close, even when I sleep.”

 

Well, being alert these days isn’t the business of uniformed security guards only. International security, for instance, is done more by politicians. Hence, the United States expect General Obasanjo to keep “awake” so Osama doesn’t sneak into town. Imagine! They expect Baba to spend, at least, one week in Nigeria to ensure that the security cameras, surveillance, monitoring, etc, are in good shape. Some funny guys, these Yankees!

 

What did Baba do to deserve such a “joke taken too far”? Last week, all the so-called superpowers ran out of Nigeria with tails in their rumps. Somebody had a nightmare. A relapse of the September 11, 2001 attack at the World Trade Centre. He woke midnight and packed his bags. Words got out and the others joined in the stampede. Only to return two days later as if the terror-ghost disappeared like Nigeria’s Gulf War oil windfall.

 

America shouts: “Security alert!” And all Nigeria thinks about is the malam selling Tom-Tom outside the gate. Rather than wake the sleeping dog to its job, we stuff it with chloroform. Now, things seem to be getting tighter. So bad we have neither international security nor the internal one.  Check it out. You can’t even be sure, anymore, that your bedroom is secured against the rats. No security at home; none on the roads. None in the office; none at the borders, either. That’s why it was easy for my one-and-half year old daughter to sneak across the border – through the NADECO route, all alone  - to buy a house abroad. 

 

Hey! Internal security isn’t about locking the kitchen door so the maid won’t steal meat from the soup pot. It’s not about Iyorcha Ayu inspecting a guard of honour and buttoning an Immigration officer’s shirt. Or Sunday Ehindero, the acting “Integrity” General of Police, casting demons out of Tafa Balogun’s former office. I’m more concerned about a community of criminals let loose on the society. Jail break in Port Harcourt and 165 inmates escaped. Soon after, another jailbreak in Bayelsa. Then, the prisoners in Delta set the Ogwashi_Uku Prison ablaze so they could escape. 

 

If the security was “alert”, they would have seen it coming.  Prison revolt doesn’t just come. It’s planned.  And it takes time. So, an alert security system gets taps. Jailbreak means something went wrong. In Area F Police cell, in Lagos, back in 1999, some hard guys revolted.  One lean guy led a coup to topple the “Marshal” – the president. While they fought, I hid my head under the bed bugs that formed our only bed. Poor welfare, favour-for-money, etc., and the caldron overflowed. After a few broken heads and some sprinkle of blood, the “marshal” got his power back. He was “a good boy” to the Ogas at the station. Somehow, the revolt made the “security alert” for a while.

 

Security must be alert. Okay, so the American security reports may be scary.  But can we truly read the security situation here? Oh! Forget government’s cheap talk, do we really have what it takes to preempt an attack? Some sincere security officers won’t say ‘yes.’

 

The terror scare means Baba should forget about his lust for corn. Mix coffee and cola nuts, instead, to keep awake and straighten out our security system. Terror-threats may sound far-fetched but don’t we suffer it everyday? A battalion of armed robbers targeting your house twice in six months is worse than fear of Saddam Hussein’s weapon of mass destruction. And if 165 cultists break out of jail in your neighbourhood, won’t you leave town? If  “agberos” hijack social security, transportation and fresh air, isn’t that terrorism? Still, no terror is worse than that of poverty, hunger, hopelessness and despair.

 

Every time a government aide says “no cause for alarm,” I buy one more alarm clock. Because there’s already alarm for a cause: security alert. No cause for alarm, indeed! When we can’t even keep divers at tourist sites like Trappco Resorts, in Kaduna, to rescue some unfortunate kids? How come nobody is ever security conscious enough to remember that some of us can’t even swim out of our bathrooms?

 

Yes, we have a number of uniform-wearing security personnel. Every company does. In Lagos, you could count about seven on a dry day. On a rainy day, they all run, especially if a man gets robbed. It doesn’t matter if it’s done with my daughter’s water gun. 

 

There’s need for alarm, jare! In fact, everybody should get an alarm-clock. Problem is, even if your ring through, nobody might come to your rescue. In my area, for instance,  every home has a whistle. But blow it at night and nobody comes out – except the thieves. Call the police then, in the middle of a robbery, and see what happens.

 

Citizen 1: Hello, is that the police? Please, I am robbing a bank right now, can you rush down here and arrest me?

Policeman: Just hold on till tomorrow morning, we don’t have ammunition now. And I am the only person at the counter. Are you mobile?

Citizen 1: Yeah! I came in a jeep.

Policeman:  I mean, are you armed? You could lend me your gun to use and arrest you,  our own is rusty. Yes, we protect with “integrity,” not with guns. And did you say you came in a jeep? We don’t even have a ‘Bettle.’ So, you have to send me transport money.

 

Citizen 2: Hello, is that the police? There are about 30 armed robbers in my house. This is their third time this week. Can you please come to my rescue?

Police man: Sorry, my line is off. The person you are talking to is not me. 

Citizen 2: But why is it that in days of distress all the phones of police officers are off? What should I do now?

Policeman: My friend, I am respecting you –o. I have told you that I am not around and my phone is off. What else do you want me to tell you? In fact, the phone is with my wife, I forgot it at home. 

Citizen 2: Oc, all I want is protection for my family. Just inform your men to be at “alert.”

Policeman: Anyway, since you insist, I’ll tell them to look out for you. Where are you hiding? You can come out now, there is no cause for alarm. Just surrender your money or your wife. 

 

The America-scare simply implied that there’s cause for alarm, no matter what Femi Fani-Kayode says. What does he know about security, anyway, beyond wearing an Abiola-cap and twisting mouth at the TV camera. Even baby-voiced Niki Tobi knows better now. He said there was no cause for alarm at the National Conference. “We are on course, there is no cause for alarm. The conference is not divided, we are doing f-i-n-e. And we would continue to be fine”. Big lie. Nobody can be “fine” if there’s no security of interests. The South-south, for instance, is certainly not “fine” without security – whether of life, resource control, justice or social protection. If the security was “alert” there, oil workers would not be kidnapped like fish in okra soup. If there was security of life, students won’t be killed in communal raids. A key witness to the murder of six Igbo traders in Abuja won’t die like a rat. And the death merely mentioned in passing during court proceeding. If national and social security were important to government, Obasanjo won’t play politics of vendetta with Lagos State’s local government funds.

 

Security is very important in a nation’s life – social, financial, political, etc. Ensure those, then, all other things shall be added onto you. Like foreign investments, growth, justice, peace and stability. 

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  June 25, 2005