Sooner or Later, Everyone Goes Deaf

 

I have been called deaf many times, but it never bothered me until last week. My mother started it all. She once asked me to go fetch a cane so she could beat me. I just stared at her. “Are you deaf?”  “Yes!” Now, let’s see how she would expect me to carry out her instructions, if I was deaf. My father helped her “open” my ears some hours later with a whip from shrubs lining the compound fence. Since then, I’ve been hearing-conscious!

 

Really, I can even hear myself whenever I talk. I also hear when nobody is talking, especially, when they’re not asking me for money. And when I’m in a fighting mode, I hear when somebody makes fun about my big head. Still, I had to identify with the deaf community, last week. For, it’s a different thing when you hear yourself and when somebody shows that he heard you. It’s the latter that proves that you are in a polity. Afterall, even if you are dead, you might be able to hear yourself, abi? That question, by the way, is for those who have died before. And they are to forward their answers to the national conference in form of memoranda.

 

You see, when my name was missing from Obasanjo’s confab list, I still had hope. I thought I might be listed along with the deaf and the prostitutes. But when the latter moved to Abuja, my name was not announced. Well, I suspected I may have gone deaf, so I waited. But when the association of the deaf protested their non-inclusion in the Abuja jamboree, I knew that some of us have truly been marginalized. 

 

I swear, the person really missing in this whole thing is Justice Niki Tobi. I guess if the deaf had gone to the confab, he would have acquired a new skill that would have completed his role as a judge. He would have learnt sign language – by force. But if he refused to learn quick enough or ignored the deaf like he did Chukwuemeka Ezeife, a finger would have “opened” his eyes. To the plights of the deaf. That way, he would have completely stopped watching television. A true confirmation to some of us that he can never be tele-anything, not even tele-guided.

 

Anyway, the deaf want to be part of the conference and I can’t see why not. “Over two million deaf Nigerians demand justice”, they said. And that was when I realised that many of us are deaf. The deaf are Nigerians too, even though they couldn’t hear General Obasanjo call Tafa Balogun “ole!” Some of them even said they missed the announcement of the Okija Shrine patrons, not knowing that Ehindero has inherited it as a souvenir for Long Service Award. 

 

They are all demanding “justice” and I’m worried. So far, it’s only Tobi, the head of the talk-shop that I feel sorry for. He’s the only “justice” I know at the conference. So, I’m scared why the deaf want his head. 

Okay, so they wouldn’t hear much of what would be said at the confab but the N2.4 million (in three months) would have helped (at least one of) them get hearing aids, abi?

 

If nothing else, the deaf should have been invited on the consideration that once in a while, we all go deaf. Deafness comes at birth to some. Others get it after some minor ailments. But there are those who grow deaf with age.

 

Confab head: Sir, could you please make your own contributions to the debate. You are now to address the house, please?

 

Delegate: Which house? I have many houses in Lagos, Ibadan and Port Harcourt. The ones I bought here in Abuja, that boy, el-Rufai has demolished some and then demands O of C or whatever, for the rest. Anyway, you have to repeat the question. You know that I can’t hear very well. I’m growing deaf with age. I’ll be 85 next week, you know.

 

 Still, some of us go deaf at will. Like politicians and me. The politician does it when it concerns the welfare of the governed. Obasanjo, for instance, has never heard that NEPA is going down. That roads are so bad. That presidentialism is so expensive. That resources managed on regional bases would bring more development. That cost of living has gone so high, since 1999. That his style of leadership is bad. And that he may be listening, but there’s no sign he’s been hearing our cries. And me? My people say a poor man is deaf. So, I play it out whenever my wife comes with a list as long and confusing as Ehindero’s motto. Still the politicians and I share something in common: we listen.

 

Politician: This country is blessed because we have leaders who listen.

 

Citizen: Yes, they listen too hard that I suspect they’re ‘hard of hearing’. 

 

Wife: I need to buy garri, yam, bread, tea, clothes, etc; pay the maid and driver. I need cooking gas, freezer and even fresh air. Honey, did you hear me?

 

Me: I’m listening. But, sorry, I didn’t hear you. What was that about free air?

 

Forget the figures bandied by the association of the deaf. Everybody goes deaf, sometimes. Willingly, occasionally.  In fact, eventually, we all go deaf. Forced either by social noise or political pollution. Now, while the willing-deaf and the-deaf-by-age are adequately represented at the national conference, government houses and assemblies, etc across the land, the-deaf-by-accident-and-natural-causes are always deliberately edged out. We’ve never had a deaf president, governor, lawmaker, etc. Yet, we’ve hardly had any “hearing” politician or leader, even though they all claim to be “listening”. If those who can hear play the deaf when they get to power, maybe we need the deaf as leaders to prove a point. 

 

Most of the time, those who can hear take things for granted. They think hearing is all it takes to transform the polity. Was that the inherent assumption in excluding the deaf from the confab? A grave error which even the police have inherited from the politicians. Recently, Ehindero towed that  line of ignorance. He directed the police to exchange roles with teachers. He told them to leave their traditional duties to start teaching. Should the teachers start collecting N20 tolls, sir?  “You should no longer sit down in the office. Go to the schools, get the audience of the principals to create a session to teach them (the principals or the students?) the effect of indulging in crime”, he ordered. Then, he added: “The time has come for the police to regain its image and integrity…” So, teaching is the only way to “regain integrity”?

 

Seeking audience or teaching demands listening. Which presupposes hearing? But is “hearing” all that’s needed to “perform”? The politicians, for instance, have all heard before all those grammars and rhetorics they are gathering in Abuja to talk. But where’s the will to implement the suggested remedies? The police too, know the crimes, the criminals and how to tackle them. But the authorities aren’t encouraging. The welfare of the foot-soldiers is constantly dumped in the “well” of the officers’ accounts. Check out Tafa’s tummy. In despair, reasons are overtaken by greed and drunkenness. So, they kill the innocent for N20. How then will “teaching” the kids the effects of crime stop the elders from stealing our national cake and chin-chin?

 

Hello! We’re tired of listening leaders. We need people, deaf or not, who can “hear” our cries and do something positive about it. A good leader doesn’t really need to “hear” our pains. If he’s one with the people, he can feel it. And if he can “see” it, the better.

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  March 12, 2005