These Days, Everybody’s Talking About Responsibility

  

The police have been on the trail of a guy called Responsi-whatever. They say he has a hand in every mischief.  In fact, the other day, they flew in from Abuja to arrest a young man in my street. Some busy-bodies had dropped a damning information. That there was a Mr Responsible living in my neighbourhood.

 

Ten young girls caused all the trouble. They claimed the boy was “Responsible” for their pregnancies. But the boy’s father confessed  his son had a twin-brother named “Irresponsible.” Sometimes, the man blames him, whenever he leaves the old man’s car unwashed. I heard the twin, who sometimes calls himself “Irresponsibility” is   not only behind, but on top of, all the mis(s)chiefs – “impregnating” even through a kiss in the wind.

 

Well,  a preliminary investigation only confused the police. But neighbours insisted one common thing about the twins was their elusiveness. They seem to be everywhere and nowhere. The other day, the German police said “irresponsibility” was in their domain, too.  They declared the wind that blew off the Pope’s cap, as he arrived his country, irresponsible. 

Imagine, an ‘evil wind’, that blows nobody the Pope’s cap.

 

Anyway, like the Nigerian police, I can’t understand how this “Irresponsible” guy works. In fact, I can’t understand if he works, at all. But he must really be powerful to have taken over our government. I heard Mr “Irresponsible” has been the one jerking our fuel prices, each time he can’t get orgasm. Or his harem  demand more feeding allowance. Well, I’m only happy because General Obasanjo has now been exonerated. By the latest finding, that Mr “Irresponsible” or “Irresponsibility”, and not Baba, is the one causing our misery. Ask Greg Mbadiwe, Arthur Nzeribe, Adeseye Ogunlewe and Femi Fani-Kayode. So, what the hell is Ehindero doing not arresting that “Irresponsible” fellow? And his clones. Use insecticides and pesticides combined. Shelltox, Raid, Kill-and-Go, etc, if you may. Or Otapiapia. Just get ride the nuisance!

 

Oh! I heard the police are shying from “Responsibility”, the only guy who can help arrest “Irresponsibility”.   In fact, an “amebo” said “Irresponsibility” is a high-ranking officer in the security forces. He’s like chameleon. A master of disguise. So can’t be arrested. Sometimes, he’s a man, another time a woman. Could be in the Police Force or in Army uniform. Next moment, he changes into agbada, insisting he’s a democrat. Sometimes, he wears Fani-Kayode’s cap, Mbadiwe’s  blank look and Nzeribe’s mischief. Causes tsunami like PDP. Acts cowed like Atiku. Appears desperate to control Lagos – like Ogunlewe. But in whatever form, Mr Irresponsibility (or Irresponsible), always “impregnates”  Nigerians with air fouled with insult, illogic and selfishness. 

 

He’s the boy next door; then  the Big farmer up the rock-top. Could be the media, trying to read Baba’s mind. For instance: Obasanjo said, “with barely over a year and a half in the life of this administration…” But the media reported he said his tenure would end in 2007. That he would go in 2007. Lie! “This” tenure could end in 2007 and Obasanjo forms another. Wasn’t that media “irresponsibility”?  Well, Chinweizu, a foremost scholar, insists “irresponsibility” is mostly the Nigerian elite. How? Nigerian elites don’t take responsibility for its society, he says.

 

Well, the Council of our ancestors, led by my father, are angry – both with Irresponsibility and Obasanjo. They insist that since Obasanjo allowed Irresponsibility to join his government, every thought of third term must be confined to Aro or Yaba Psychiatric Hospitals. I guess that also includes all those “talking” about it. Such thoughts, I’m told, are spread by the guy, Irresponsibility. Ask Datti Ahmed – president, Supreme Council for Sharia in Nigeria (SCSN). The man got so worked up the other day that he spoke English without an accent.  “It will be unfortunate if Obasanjo wants to succeed himself. In fact, it will be the height of irresponsibility for him to do so because it is against the spirit of the constitution.” I almost said spirit of Okija. Or Owu. But then, that’s how annoying it gets. 

 

So annoying that General Victor Malu has oiled his rusty service pistol. To kill “Irresponsibility”, the surgeon accused of implanting a third term microchip in Baba’s brain. And guess what? I would loan him   him my “gun” – an old  biro – to help wage the “war”.  Ready? Third term? Shoot! “It is the last thing Nigerians would tolerate,” he said. After the incessant fuel price hikes, abi? “If it means going to war, we shall go to war.” Pepper soup war  - against Baba’s chickens named after Ogunlewe, Nzeribe, Mbadiwe and Fani-Kayode? “Obasanjo will not have a third term,” Malu swears. And the congregation of people – including men, women and children – said, Amen!  It’s time for collection. Offering time! Blessing time!

 

Being responsible can sometimes be a burden. Once you’re “responsible” for your family upkeep, for instance, you’re in deep trouble. Oya, ask me. Responsibility means carrying other people’s cross. Like when a guy thinks the only way to show he’s responsible is to marry. Even when he can’t produce “dirt” enough to feed a fly. Now, his family’s times two. Plus, fringe members. Suddenly, somebody remembers your grandpa was the brother of his auntie’s sister, related to the mother of your future grand kids’ grandmother destined to be married to your wife’s cousin. Dizzying? Then, praise the Lord! At last, you are very responsi-something. Even if you deny “responsibility” like Ijewere, you can’t wriggle out of this one. 

 

You are either responsible or irresponsible. The only middle ground is the grave. That’s the African way.

Hey! When a girl advertises that she’s looking for a “responsible man” what do you think that means? A cross carrier!  And I suspect Nzeribe and co are even looking for a scapegoat, in addition. A fall guy! But would Obasanjo “fall” for their tricks? “If Obasanjo wants a third term, it is possible, it is workable and it is achievable,” said Nzeribe. Nzeribe’s good at digging up “dirt” like Adamawa flood digs up corpses. I don’t know what gives him so much stamina. If  IBB’s “third term” wasn’t “possible, workable and achievable,” what gives Nzerible so much confidence now? Or has the God that reigned over Abacha died? Nzeribe needs  thicker optical lenses. He says he’s going blind. “I don’t see what is wrong if Obasanjo wants to run…” Well, I’m not sure there’s anything wrong if an old father plans to commit suicide by “running”. His bulging tummy and weak knees would decide that. But if he’s pushed, it’s manslaughter, abi? If he happens to be a man, anyway.

 

I ‘ve tried to be responsible a few times. Feeding a crowd as if trying to outdo Jesus Christ. But would that guy have done that trick of feeding 5,000 people with five loaves and two fishes in Obasanjo’s Nigeria? 

Well, I’d been called “irresponsible” a few times. By my father.   Once, he almost killed e with cassava load. Another time, with firewood. When I cried, he said I was “irresponsible”. What saved me the stigma was that other kids were out of earshot. 

 

Responsi-something is a conjoined twins of Irresponsi-whatever. Separated by a film – only the wise can see. Only wisdom guides a man from falling “prey” to the sweet toungues of Nzeribe, Mbadiwe, Ogunlewe and Fani-Kayode. Mbadiwe says self-succession is not irresponsibility. Rather, “additional two years will benefit the country a lot.” I agree. In fact, even life ambition won’t hurt anybody, except the aspirant. If you doubt, go and interview General Abacha. Note: Mbadwe’s  “country” means those of them enjoying free food. The real “country” – us – would also get “Aremu-cracy dividends”. Like N5,000 per litre fuel price, a bag of garri for N10,000 and bottled oxygen sold only to the rich at N1 billion a jar, etc, etc – by 2008.

 

Bad guys are trying to make Obasanjo look “Irresponsible” but I insist the man is “very responsible”. At least, he’s responsible for our current sufferings. How else should he prove it than by raising fuel price from N14 naira to N80?  Now, Representative Bashir Idris Nadaba (Katsina) says we shouldn’t trust Baba with power. As if I said we should. “He is perfecting plans to get a third term and we must not allow him to get away with it.” I agree. If only the national lawmakers won’t change mind when mysterious Ghana-must-go bags surface in  the National Assembly. Nadaba claims Baba is making “subtle moves” to “buy over” the National Assembly Constitution Review Committee to smuggle the extension into the statutes book. Maybe that’s  Nzeribe’s confidence,  afterall.

 

 

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  August 27, 2005