Wanted! First Lady for Third Term

 

 

Fellow Nigerians, I’m happy to announce, this morning, that we’ve passed the stage of pretense. At last! Now, every idiot knows that third term is real. And even the enemies of this administration are marveling at the ingenuity of it all. Especially, that wasteful trick of “empowering” Mantu to arrive at a pre-meditated conclusion. 

 

Anyway, based on the Mantu example, the masses have set up a committee for public hearing on three serious issues. The committee, headed by me, is free to consider memoranda, applications and even bribes. Recently, it has come to the notice of the masses that third term is not just a matter of life. It’s also that of death. This is the first issue my committee is to conduct public hearing on.

 

 Already, so many people are ready to die for Nigeria – over third term. At least, three people have publicly declared their intentions. After General Obasanjo, Mr. Godwin Daboh followed. Then, the Imo State Speaker, Kelechi Nwagwu. Obasanjo wants to die because he loves Nigeria too much; Nwagwu wants to die to make Obasanjo a life president. But Daboh wants to die trying to stop them. Now, it is the work of my Committee to look into the remote causes of their intentions. And to make recommendations concerning the mass burials that would soon follow the willful deaths. But let me advise any member of the committee who does not know what remote (control) is to visit Alaba (electronics) Market in Lagos for samples – in the dustbins. 

 

Anyway, the committee is expected to consider applications from all those ready to die. The terms of impending death would also be in focus. For instance, the committee is to decide the modalities of death – every applicant is expected to state how he wants to die – by suicide, assassination, poison or hanging? You see, the 1999 Constitution guarantees every Nigerian the right to life. And death(?) Whoever lives is old enough to die someday, abi? While the committee must take into account that the right to die is a constitutional matter, it’d also note that those intending to die need not announce it. Or, are they seeking our sympathy and advice against their plans? God forbid! All those who have sworn to die, so far, are adults. So, they are free to walk into the front of a moving train, if they so wish. Note that suicide, like coup, only becomes a crime when it fails. Okay? 

 

In doing its work, my committee, I swear, would follow the terms of reference. Part of it enjoins us to extract from the applicants signed pledges that they would never come back to Nigeria. And that, family-members must endorse their decisions. They must also submit prepared funeral arrangements. Money for the rites included. Nigeria’s money mustn’t be used to organize state, national or even local government burial for anybody who dies a willful death. Instead, the committee is expected to recommend whether those who die willfully for third term should be stripped naked and flogged before burial. Or sent straight to hell by burning their corpses.

 

I pledge that we intend to do a job better than Mantu’s stage-managed public hearing. Hence, our job on burial plans has been sub-contracted to Ebony Undertakers Ltd.  Next, we would be left with those who survive - and insist on “life” tenure. However, whoever eventually forces his ugly face into our collective sight – for a third term – should at least be sane enough to write a book entitled: Not the People’s Will, But Mine!  We take it for granted that the applicants (or is it candidates, already?) must be crude, selfish, deaf, insensitive and, indeed, impervious to reason. Hence, the committee would not dissipate energy and resources trying to determine an already fixed quality of tricky, manipulating, power-thirsty monsters. Ah! Take a deep breathe after that “big grammar”, jare!

 

The Committee is aware that in a given third term circumstance as this; there would be need for two key characters to complete the plot. There can never be a meaningful tenure without a First Lady and a Vice President /Deputy Governor(s). Hence, my committee has been mandated to call for applications and to screen the applicants.  Start with the First Lady. We’re aware that no third term president or governor would be able to steal enough money without a befitting First Lady. Hence, my committee is to consider the qualities of all ‘Presidential / Gubernatorial’ First Ladies. The modalities for application would soon be spelt out by the committee. For instance, should Baba go for third term, the committee must recommend where the First Lady should come from. Should it be zoned to the South-south? Would that pacify them enough to forget their quest for Presidency and 25 per cent derivation? Or would the South-south agree that the position be rotated to the South-east, North-east, North Central, or Middle Belt? I admit, this is where the committee must be very careful. The principle of equity, national character, fair play, rotation and, well, injustice must be employed in the selection.

 

You see, one other important consideration for a First Lady is that she must be photogenic. Since we’re so blessed with enormous quantity of ugly rulers, the radiance of the First Ladies could be a soothing balm to our eyes. Look, the intending applicants don’t really need to be intelligent, but must be able to differentiate between a husband and a chimpanzee. All they need do is “read” the photographs, even if they can’t tell the difference between husband and husbandry. Well, if an applicant has a complete set of teeth and looks like an Albino, it could be an advantage.  You know why? That would save NTA cameramen the trouble of blinding everybody with mega-flash lights. 

 

The applicants for the First Lady’s post must be ready to smile at the camera, even while asleep. It doesn’t matter if her husband has just practised boxer with her face. Moreover, she must be able to sing nursery rhymes on NTA. Must love big headgears and Chinese makeup. Above all, her tummy mustn’t be bigger than the bottom of a China-tray.

The sub-committee on screening of the First Lady is headed by the president of Modupe Breast and Tummy-tuck Agency.

 

At this point, the work of the Committee would’ve ended, except that the “life President/Governors” would need Vice/Deputy. In fact, some of them would rather dine with Lucifer than retain their current deputies. For instance, it would be very easy for a castrated bull to impregnate a dead woman than for Baba to tag along with Atiku. My committee is therefore expected to look for credible replacements. 

To start with, we are to recommend where the VP / Deputy Govs should come from – using the geographical equation of the nation/states. Would the North, for instance, accept to send another “disloyal” rep to be diagnosed of “memory loss” by Obasanjo? The committee’s guideline says the intending applicants must be holders of First-Class degrees in the relevant areas – especially in stupidity. They must be certified dunderheads, who would be ready to swear an admixture of Quran, Bible, iron, sand, and other herbal concoctions. Preferably, the applicants should be deaf and dumb. So they’d neither hear evil - (details of revenue and allocations) - nor in a position to argue with their bosses. An applicant isn’t expected to have an opinion of his own. In lieu of a sub-committee, the contract for screening of these applicants has been given to the Pacelli School for the Deaf and Dump.

 

Interested applicants should contact my bankers for consolidation of my account. Then, forward your bio-data, autobiographies, biographies, CVs, statistics, recipes, and even death certificates to my e-mail for consideration. My committee has only one minute to submit its report. Good luck!

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  March 18, 2006