We, the Abandoned Projects, Belong to God

 

Brethren, it’s time for the sermon. You see, the devil is a liar, but don’t ask me what he said. But the word of God is true forever. Now, le us pray. As it was in the beginning (especially, the days of Abacha), so shall it end. Somebody say, ‘amen!’

 

PR-A-I-S-E the Lord! Today’s sermon is on “Abandoned Projects”.  All over this country, there are so many abandoned projects. Ajaokuta Steel, Turn Around Maintenance in Refineries, road repairs, etc. In fact, the list of abandoned projects is so long that it even includes Ogunlewe! All of them were abandoned by the same people we collectively empowered to loot the public coffers. Now, we - the masses - are also abandoned projects, dig? 

 

Anyway, only hostage taking wakes Baba to any reality of monumental failure – including the Niger Delta problems. But… Children of God don’t despair. PR-A-I-S-E Jesus!  Our God is faithful!  He is not the God of abandoned projects – like Baba. Amen, s-o-m-e-b-o-d-y! I want you to know that God can never abandon his own. By now, I expect everybody to know that simple truth because even General Obasanjo does. 

 

You see, critics of this administration who think stupidly that there would be vacancy in Aso Rock in 2007, should at least give Baba credit. Before this week, many of them said intelligence among our rulers was as scarce as improved means of livelihood in Nigeria. Thank God, Baba has proved them wrong by declaring that “God is not a God of abandoned projects.”  Now, according to gospel Matthew, as translated by Saint Anthony, every abandoned project is anti-God. But, brethren, when I had breakfast with God this morning, He told me that, in fact, He’s never happy with those who abandon projects – especially the human kind called the masses. Indeed, God revealed that contrary to speculations and figments of third term jaundiced minds, He is actually the God of ‘abandoned projects’ - especially the poor ‘projects’ like us forgotten by the selfish people in government. 

 

Imagine! After years of ‘abandoning’ the Niger Deltans to their fate, it took a series of hostage-taking for Obasanjo to wake from his slumber. Suddenly, he realised that he and his ilk have failed woefully, especially in the Niger Delta. Okay, if God too had ‘abandoned’ the Niger Delta youths, how would they have got the ingenuity to take hostages? Indeed, how would they have noticed that ‘oyinbo’ skin would shine like halogen to attract Obasanjo’s attention? How would they have forced Baba to admit his repeated failures in the 1^st term (1976); 2^nd term (1999); 3^rd term (2003)?

 

Anyway, one angel even chipped in that God has created an everlasting punishment for those who abandon us – although Femi Fani-Kayode denied it. Instead, Fani-Kayode said the only punishment is the reformation of pockets close to Aso Rock. Whatever that means! Still, the path to the real punishment, according to the angel, is a rare gift from God called Owu stubbornness! I’m told that was what Pharaoh suffered when he ‘abandoned’ the children of Israel in hardship. Recently, God also endowed Abacha with a virtue called ‘stiff-neckedness.’ That was what made the goggled man to insist on perpetuating himself in Aso Rock. Eventually, he was removed from the scene through a simple natural process – apple. Well, apple may be as scarce as kerosene in Nigeria, but God would make a way. An apple a day keeps hardship away, says the good doctor. Those who smuggled Taylor out of Calabar can also smuggle in some apples from India. Somebody shout hallelujah! 

 

Now, let’s go back to the scripture. Gospel Matthew, written by a renowned farmer, says abandoned projects are not of God. Interpretation for products of night schools: those who abandon projects – human or infrastructural – make God angry. We’re also told in the scripture that whatever is decided on earth is decided in Heaven. Hence, when humans ‘abandon’ some rulers, God too leaves them alone. 

 

Hello-o! Hi!  Are you there?  Now it’s time for collection. But to show your 100 per cent loyalty, you must flaunt your badge and shame the devil. But first, listen to the following announcements: 

Please, if you know anybody called ‘Aunty Third Term’, see the Pastor after the service.  We learnt that a lady with that name is on the wanted list of the Police, SSS, NDA, Army, Air Force, Navy and even Soldier Ants. Somebody just called one of our pastors to announce that the security operatives are now combing the streets for anybody who is ‘anti-third term’. So, if you are the one, be careful. 

 

In fact, as a follow up to that, we are enjoined to be very careful who we discuss with henceforth.  For instance, before you discuss with your wife in the bedroom, you must first register with the Corporate Affairs Commission. Unless you want to be charged for belonging to an illegal organisation. So far, the only legal organisations, the church has been informed, include Obasanjo Solidarity Foundation (OSF); Mantu and the Constitution-Doctoring Committee; Nnamani and the Voice-vote Assembly, etc. Ninety-nine and a-half percent loyal people like Atiku must never meet with anybody, including his grandmother. In fact, if he insists on anything against tenure extension, Fani-Kayode’s big mouth would force him to resign. You know why? Because that would not only be ‘anti’, it would also be ‘uncle’ Third Term.

 

We also have information that Apostle Fani-Kayode would attend the service tomorrow to challenge the ‘devil’ to a mouth-running duel. The General Overseer said the Superior Apostle (of Third Term) has already  tried to explain that what Baba meant in the ‘Abandoned Project’ talk was that once the masses ‘abandon’ a project like third term, even God would not support it. Hence, he wants the masses to support it because it is the only reform that would ensure his (Fani-Kayode’s) meal ticket, political relevance and nuisance value. But can anybody really say a loud ‘amen’ to that? 

 

 

FROM YOU TO ME

 

Which of the TU(s)?

Hello, Mr. Usoro,  the richness and humorous writings of yours have made me swear never to use your column as toilet paper, no matter how costly toilet tissue is. Actually,  there is a problem I want you to help me solve. My niece, by name Olu, is in primary two; she is very lazy and careless about her studies. After first, second and third term, she has realised that she wouldn’t pass  her exams, so she is trying to lobby her political party, UBE, to extend to a fourth term. The problem is who to give the contract to convince Nigerians that my lazy niece deserves a fourth term to prove her carelessness. So, please which of the TU(s), should she meet - Mantu, Womantu, Childtu or Tutu? 

Usoro, you see, electorate power in Nigeria is dead, the suffrage of Nigerian electorate has no power to change policy of the present govt. We shouldn’t blame poverty, it is greed, because the voice of the people supersedes the power of the president. But in Nigeria, the voice of money supersedes the voice of the people. For once, the truth should be told, but if we blind our conscience with greed, then let us fool ourselves for once and introduce the third term bill into law and see the evil it will bring into our nations polity. Tinkering with our constitution will not bring peace. Let’s face the truth because it is God.

Iboro Ekpo

Ikot Abasi.

"Iboro Ekpo" <iboroe@yahoo.com>  

 

Re: Old woman

Believe me brother, the old woman's kids will  perpetually living in a shoe as far as those leaders’ children school abroad. The old woman should even count herself fortunate to even see a place to put her head in. The attitude of those leaders is lackadaisical. I still repeat we should take our destiny in our hands. Lest, I forget, please see me for 'AYETA'(bullet proof) because the way you expose them, they are not happy at all.                            

 Ibiyomi SK 08034520726

"ibiyomi kayode" <ibiyomi2004@yahoo.com>  

 

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  April 8, 2006