Who the Clown is Mr. Stakeholder?

 

This is to announce the ‘passing away’ of Mr. Stakeholder. He died recently, after holding  ‘stakes’ to too many “talk at” sessions in Abuja. Doctors said Mr Stakeholder died from complications arising from loss of memory, brain damage, timidity, cowardice, greed, exhaustion and, well, death. At a point, according to medical reports, he was so weak that he could neither think nor challenge anything said at any “come and chop” meetings.

 

You see, Mr Stakeholder – poor man - only saw those sessions as an opportunity to take ‘something’ home. He was the breadwinner of the family, wasn’t he? In fact, according to family sources, he also made efforts to win cake, chin-chin, biscuit, and even groundnut, every time he was invited to Abuja. 

 

However, many people have complained they never knew Mr Stakeholder. One mischievous fellow even ask: “who is this clown called Stakeholder?” Others swore they never benefited from Stakeholder’s numerous trips to Abuja. They argued the man didn’t represent their interests. As if it was Stakeholder’s fault. Like Mantu, he had a brief - to represent his immediate constituency: the pocket. Look, that man was only used to create a semblance of attention to our many woes. In fact, he did not even know that he was being used. Soon, from being a tool in the hands of pro-third term agents, he became a ‘third term-ite’.

 

Still, we admit, Mr Stakeholder was a lucky man – as lucky as a young lady named ‘Charity’. She gets ‘donations’ from even conmen. Recently, Mr Stakeholder’s been benefiting from every disaster; every crisis.  Suddenly, he’s considered expert in security, aviation, job creation, economy, politics, road construction and even vendetta. So, do we still need government, the various agencies and numerous hangers-on? After six years of neglect, Stakeholder has recently featured in the scheme of things. To deceive us that “they” care, abi?

 

When Stakeholder first flew into Abuja, he looked everywhere like a lost sheep. But for crisis, he probably would never have gotten there. At the meetings, he said nothing – because he knew not what to say. Nor would the all-wise tin god have given him a chance to showcase his ignorance. Everything at such meetings are usually programmed; premeditated. Like Atiku’s suspension. So, Stakeholder thankfully awaited the ‘communiqué’ in a Ghana-Must-Go bag.  Then, he returned home to compare the splendour of Abuja with his Niger Delta creeks. Pity! Naira-bones blocked his throat! The guy became more timid, hence the problem persists in the Niger Delta.

 

 But, he was a jolly good fellow…As predictable as PDP; as manipulative and misrepresentative as Mantu; attended the same school with Nzeribe, specialising in mischief and treachery. As illogical and warp as Femi Fani-Kayode. Stakeholder had a long CV – including a greedy mind like our current prisoner of power in a city one of my fans calls ‘Assrock’.

 

Once, Stakeholder was in the farm – holding yam sticks for the plant to climb. Suddenly, he surfaced in the Villa wearing long (borrowed?) robes for a lecture he understood nothing about. The last one was on the Niger Delta. And only ‘stakeholder’ was invited. ‘Hostage-holders’ like Niger Delta Volunteer Liberation Force and MEND weren’t. Lesson: ‘yam (money) stake’ is more valuable than ‘human stake’.

 

Anyway, things change, don’t they? So ‘stakeholder’ went to Abuja to get more confused. Usually, any  organisation set up to ‘solve’ Niger Delta problem has mind-boggling names that even Aso spin-doctors wouldn’t remember without reading their palms. So, how was “stakeholder” to convince his people back home that solution wasn’t still lucked ‘in the pipeline’? Imagine! A few months to Obasanjo’s constitutionally anticipated exit, Niger Deltans were “dashed” a ‘master plan’ that would yield earliest in two years. Hey! That’s the problem. This country has too many ‘master plans.’ Enough of masters; enough of planning. Now, we need servants, who would implement the numerous ‘plans’. 

 

Okay, so Baba has made the greatest invention after ‘eba’. He ‘dashed’ Niger Delta people a council. With a name that fills a dictionary. Consolidated Council on Social and Economic Development of Coastal States of the Niger Delta! Phew!! Take a deep breath. Now, what is the abbreviation, please?! CCSEDCSND? Meaning what? I heard the body’s meant to “search for peace” in my backyard. But shouldn’t the search start in Aso Rock? Nonsense! 

 

That’s how they deceived us with OMPADEC. Then, NDDC – which the National Assembly vetoed into existence. Still, it took ten months before Obasanjo gave it a board. Then proposed a bill to reduce contributions from oil companies. That should tell any pretender called ‘stakeholder’ that Obasanjo isn’t serious about solving Niger Delta problems. Why has he just realised there’s a place that’s sinking underground – six years after his return? Third term in the mix!

So, any ‘stakeholder’ who supports it is dead – morally, mentally and spiritually. Now, let’s pray. Since ‘Pastor’ Chaucer isn’t around, we’ll paraphrase: “Sand to sand, and; dust to dust. If God won’t have you, the devil must!”

 

Ah! H-e-l-l-o!! I heard ‘Mr Stakeholder’ is shouting that he’s still alive, but you know how opportunists and charlatans lie. So, proceed with the burial plan, jare! And may his soul rest in perfect pieces!

 

FROM U TO ME

I wish for lots of other nice things for our country & it grieves me when I think our leaders do very little to help us instead they turn us into ‘abandoned projects’. Well, I’m glad we belong to God. But I wish our leaders will seek first the interest of the masses instead of 3^rd term.

Diana. 08023746539

 

I read your ‘We, the abandoned projects, belong to God’.  It’s humorous, what a way to treat a serious issue in a  lighter mood.  Be rest assured that this 3^rd term flu will kiss the dust because come 2007 the gorilla must return to farm.  Keep up the good work.  The  voice of the people is the voice of God. 

From C. Jerome. 08028152609

 

Your piece normally trips  me. Kudos, but OBJ must know that projects are never abandoned if someone succeeds him… 

Chris O.  from Benin. 08060271886

 

Why won’t you be against OBJ when you left your apostleship for journalism.  Don’t insult our Elijah.  Lest Pastor Adeboye catches you.

From Igirigi Buchi. 08032418277

 

Pastor, let’s fast and pray that Almighty God will deliver us from ‘aunty 3^rd term’ and ‘uncle 3^rd term’.  May he never abandon us, and may he continue to anoint your pen.

 Skai. 08055123202

 

Tell me, sir, are you compiling ‘The Reality’ into a book?  I won’t mind the honour of being its first buyer! 

Unoh, Ibadan. 08054219315

 

Hi Usoro, your old age doesn’t matter. Even at the age of 100, you can still be the president of Nigeria. We can amend your age to enable you to run. 

.Shakur C. 08035404301

"onuoha chuks" <shakurgoc@yahoo.com> 

 

Usoro, I am a regular reader of your beautiful and memorable column. Thanks for the juicy spices. As a friend and co-worker, I am in a better position to tell you that you are getting old. Even though you may be applying 'tie and die' to your hair, as time passes by, you are getting old. Also, you are not giving yourself enough rest. You are always on the move running after 'Baba'. You have forgotten that he is a retired soldier, farmer, ex-prisoner, a widower, a democrat, etc. Baba has all the needed experiences and qualifications to run for the third term. So why are you talking of giving the mantle of leadership to a younger generation like yourself, who will be pursuing all those 'butterflies' rather than settle down business of governance.

"adesina olugbenga" <gbengusabel@yahoo.com>  

 

It’s better to die  for something than to live for nothing. Your pen is of the gods; you’re my mentor.

 Kenny, Lagos.  08028021402.

Usoro, few Nigerians hold this country to ransom. God will not forgive them; an impending evil will not elude their household as it happened in 1998.

James Goddey, Kadpoly, 08029569009.

 

Usoro, Obasanjo is not old. He actually stopped growing in 1979.

 Aliyu. 08032221891.

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  April 22, …