Why I Hate Love

 

Every time I hear the word love, I reach for my pocket. Because the first time I fell in love, I broke a limp. And while I nursed my hurt, “love” walked right past me without as much as a how-do-you-do. With  my “pocket” in her handbag.

 

It started as a compliment. Or so I thought. “I love your big head. And the increasing grey hair.” My head swelled, my steps changed. Face up like a dog, I camel-walked till I fell into a ditch. Like Thales, the ancient Greek philosopher. Now, I’ve learnt. The only “love” I believe in must come from “official quarters” – my wife. Why? That one is like GSM recharge cards – you have no option. And it’s fully pre-paid.  

    

When General Olusegun Obasanjo mentioned “love” in his October 1, 2004 broadcast, I rushed to the toilet like Governor Ayo Fayose. Totally unexpected, like an accidental discharge aimed at a council boss’s head.  News of the attack shocked the governor till he had runny stomach. That was why he “ran” to the toilet. 

Anyway, Babasanjo is not new to love. He must have told all his women – past and present – that he loved them. And they believed him. 

 

Journalist: Sir, what is your definition of love?

 

Baba:  “Eh-he-e-e-m! That was a very stupid question. This is supposed to be a Presidential Media Chat. If you want “love chat” go to the internet.  Between you and that Jos Reverend, I’m not sure who is the total idiot. But let me tell you a story. From the time I started taking women to Mama Nzeogu’s house, I have known what love is. Never mind that I didn’t go back to see that old woman. I heard she is dead, well what was I supposed to do? Make her young again? You see, I was angry that she wanted to see her son’s corpse before she died. What for? To bring him back to life? Anyway, she’s dead now and we do not speak evil of the dead. Next question”. 

 

“Okay, back to your original question. To me, love means Stella, Iyabo, Otta farm, my job.  And if the truth must be told, my pocket.  Tell me, who doesn’t like his pocket? If you were referring to my anniversary broadcast, I swear, I didn’t write that speech.  And, the last time I checked, Nigerians were not on the list of those I love. I love Mama Nzeogu, that is why I will send a delegation to her funeral. To give a state burial. In fact, if that won’t be enough, we’ll give her a federal burial. In my speech to the funeral, I’ll remember to say I loved her and her son was my best friend”. 

 

Love is easier felt than defined. Those who seek to define Baba’s love are the enemies. Aren’t we all testimonies of the General’s eternal love since he came to power? Check it out – inflation; hunger; rising poverty index; Bakassi problem; poor showing at sports events; foreign trips; fuel price hikes and strikes; monitisation; corruption. And the “baba” of all: deregulation. Anyone still in need of definition? How do you define a bull’s activity in a china shop? 

 

Obasanjo has so much love for Nigerians. Ask the Owu kingmakers, Odi people, Zaki Ibiam indigenes, etc. He loves us so much it hurts. 

 

Student: Sir, why does love hurt so much?

 

Teacher: I’m not sure yet, but I think it’s because it always involves money. Like I said, I’m not sure. I may have to find out from Obasanjo.

 

Student: But the Bible says Jesus died for us because he loved us. And His love did not involve money.

 

Teacher: Jesus died in the Bible; this is Nigeria. Besides, you are wrong. Money was involved in Jesus’s death. Remember Judas and the 30 shekels? Anyway, love is always expensive. And it causes pain.

 

Obasanjo’s love is like that of a merchant. It has left a BIG hole in our pockets. Every time I’m out to buy something and the seller says, “Oga, I’m not charging you –o,” I run. For that’s exactly what he wants me to do: “Oga, you are ‘mumu,’ I’m cheating you yet you don’t seem to realise?”  Still, nobody can deny that Baba loves Nigerians. A father who gives his children stones for bread sure knows what love is. And when he exchanges serpent for fish, his heart - the “source” of his love – must be as “transparent” as Obasanjo’s government.

 

 

FROM MY MAILBOX

 

You’re good

Sir, I usually enjoy the funny way you put things together.  You are a good writer, so don’t relent on your creative act.

"chuks chris" <chidguy4u@yahoo.co.uk>  

 

Keep shinning

I have always said that you are one of the very few tabloid guys in this world. I love you, keep your SUN shinning. 

"ananti uju" <kenujay@yahoo.com

 

Short of words

 I am just short of words in describing your column.

 I just wish I can meet you in real life and have a talk

with you. More grease to your "brain."

 Dr Alawode D.A 

damilola alawode" <dalawode2002@yahoo.com>  

 

I was excited

Hi man, I read your piece and  was so excited seeing people like you in this present day Nigeria frankly writing about the bull sh*t this present government is feeding the masses. The piece that really took me off guard was the one about Akwa Ibom, the 'land of promise.' Keep it up.

"Femi Oddiah" <femmyoddiah@yahoo.com>  

 

I share your view

Usoro dear, I share your view on the complete deterioration of our value 

system as it relates to trust. These days, one doesn’t really know who to 

trust. As the noble Bob Marley sang, “Your best friend could be your 

worst enemy" Yet, we are not deceived by the fallacies that have conquered  our news media just because we still have people like you and 

THE SUN who remains our voice and consolation in this 

rotten nation.      

kelechi ogundu" <kogundu@usa.com>  

 

I burst into laughter

M-e-e-n! There is no day that I read your column without bursting into laughter. The humour element in your column is too much. I hope, one day, just like you, to present some hard truths the same way you do it. More power to your elbow!

"Ugochukwu Ezeonyido" <yugo_7772000@yahoo.com>  

 

Re-my uncle’s dog is a chief

Dear Usoro, I read, with my mouth wide open with laughter, your piece entitled, "My uncle's dog is a chief". You are indeed an amazing writer. I am not in a sarcastic school of thought but I appreciate one when I see it. Take care and continue to write for those of us that appreciate  good write ups.

Eleojo, Carlifornia, USA

"Eleojo Odogujeh" <bycee2004@yahoo.com>  

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Oct 09, 2004