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Thomas Crooks, The Trump Shooter, Is A Nigerian!

  Thomas Crooks Thomas Crooks was just an ordinary guy until he listened to his overtaxed brain.  Brain: Do you know you can be famous? Crooks: How? Brain: By attempting the infamous!  So, Crooks picked his father’s AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle. He listened to his confused brain again and headed to a rally nearby. Minutes later, he did a crooked thing by firing at Donald Trump!  Crooks wasn't a known professional crook. But he obviously had a enough crooked mind to store explosives in his car and home.  Yes, the Trump shooter was one man. But his name, “Crooks,” gave the impression of a multiple negative character. His crooked act and plans probably justified the addition of letter “s” to a his name, making him one but many crooks! Crooks’  “crooked shot missed Trump by an inch. Thomas Crooks was probably so crooked that he couldn't think straight. But thank God he couldn't shoot straight, either. Otherwise, the world would have missed a daring, straight...
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IKOT ABASI: NIGERIA’S TRUE CAPITAL!


Lord Lugard

“Blast this infernal contraption! Why won’t this blasted thing type ‘Nigeria’ correctly? What the heck is Naija?” Lord Frederick Lugard muttered.


Then, using an archaic telephone, he dialed zero and shouted:  “Operator, get me London! I’ve got two large protectorates to sign into a whole country and I’m running out of ink!”


“Smith, where are you?”


Smith, his assistant, rushed in, looking disheveled. “Yes, my lord. What seems to be the problem?”


“This wretched machine won’t type ‘Nigeria’ correctly!” said Lugard. “It keeps writing ‘Naija’ and ‘Nigga River.’ Missy Flora won’t let me touch her this night, if I don't get this right”!


Amalgamation House in Ikot Abasi

Dressed in his colonial attire of short and long-sleeved shirt, Lord Lugard sat at a desk cluttered with stacks of papers. He was agitated.



Smith tried to stifle his laughter. Outside the ancient structure, the cool sea breeze whizzed by. Welcome to the  Amalgamation House in Ikot Abasi, Akwa Ibom State. 


 “Perhaps, my lord, the typewriter is protesting against the amalgamation itself. A silent rebellion, if you will.”



Lugard frowned. “Balderdash! When the people themselves can’t resist? Well, I'm sure if the old contraption can speak, it would regale us with tales of misplaced commas and jammed keys. But, we must press on, nonetheless.“


At a bar nearby, two lively friends, Uduak and Etim sat, sipping palm wine and chatting in conspiratorial tune.


 “Etim, did you hear the latest? Or state government wants to revamp our tourism narrative.”


Etim raised an eyebrow “Oh? What’s the new story? We invented jollof rice?”


Flora (nee Shaw) Lugard

Uduak laughed. “You and food! Well, the story is even better! It’s about the 1914 amalgamation of Northern and Southern Nigeria by Lord Lugard. It happened in Ikot Abasi, right here in Akwa Ibom state! Not Zungeru, forget Mallam’s history books.


Startled, Etim slashed his drink. “What? So, that long-nosed Lugard was actually here? How did he manage with our colanut, alligator pepper, ‘mfi’ and palmy?” Then, he laughed heartily and added: “Meanwhile, Abuja that contributes nothing to our colonial history has become  the center of everything?”


The women who staged the historic ‘war’ in Imot Abasi


Uduak was equally excited. “Well, that’s not all o! The 1929 Women’s War, which many mistakenly call the “Aba Women Riot,” actually took place in Ikot Abasi. Our fearless grandmothers weren’t just fouling the air; they made history right here. Real revolutionaries!”


“I can almost see them now. Sleeves rolled and shouting: ‘This isn’t an empty NLC riot, it’s a revolution!’” Etim added, laughing.


Uduak agreed, nodding: “You are very correct, bro! It's time the world knew the truth. And what of Mary Slessor? Her campaign to end the killing of twins took roots in Itu, in today’s Akwa Ibom state. That, too, should not go unnoticed. A national monument, a testament to her bravery, marked her first burial place there, before she was exhumed and taken Duke Town, in Cross River state.”


“Indeed, my lord, the modern historian,” Etim hailed with a smirk. “Perhaps we should rename the  ‘Rolling Hills of Itu’ in her honour. ‘Slessor's Miracle Hill’," abi?


Mary Slessor

Chuckling, Uduak agreed: “I suppose that would be fitting. In this season of revisiting our past, as with the old national anthem, it's only fair that Ikot Abasi, Akwa Ibom state, be recognized as the nation’s true capital.“


Etim raised an imaginary glass in a mock toast: “Think of the tourism! People would flock here to see where Nigeria was truly born. To Ikot Abasi, the heart of our nation's history and the birthplace of our future!”


In this season of going back to our foundations, why should Abuja hold the title and enjoy the traffic of the capital when the real action, the true drama of Nigeria’s formation, played out by an Akwa Ibom seaside?

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