THE UNIVERSITY OF TOILET TAXATION!

Tower of Ivory!

It was innovative. It was groundbreaking. But, it was shocking! The announcement took many students by surprise. They were still grappling with the many academic challenges, only for the HOD to drop a bombshell that morning. The department was introducing a new course: “Toilet Taxation and Sanitation Studies."

The hall went silent - pin drop! Then, everyone started talking at the same time. Confusion! But, the head of the Political Science Department kept a straight face. Then, he tried to explain that the course would equip the students with “the necessary skills to implement effective sanitation policies in life.”

The course outline included: Introduction to Toilet Taxation; History and Evolution of Sanitation Tax; Nigeria’s Public Sanitation Policy Since Independence; Advanced Extortion Techniques, etc. The HOD added that there would be practicals, where the students would contribute N100,000 each for the actual construction of toilets. “An effective toilet system is the foundation of a solid education,” he added.

According to this wonderful head of department, the course’s topic and components emerged after a sound and thorough evaluation by the Departmental Board.

HOD: "Esteemed colleagues, our department must continue to show the way in academic excellence and ground-scattering, sorry, ground-breaking innovations, hence the introduction of this course."

Senior Lecturer A: "I suggest we charge fee for toilet seats as part of the innovation. Let's fix it at N100,000, for each student. The students must also supply fuel for the generator to pump water regularly. Our toilets must be the epitome of cleanliness."

Lecturer B: "Excellent! In addition, I suggest we add a 'Flush Fee' of N5,000 per use. The students must learn what is meant by responsibility."

Prof C: "Mr HOD, Sir, may I move that we add a 'Toilet Paper Levy'. Cleanliness must be all round, I so move.”

While someone suggested an addition of  'Hand Sanitizer Levy' and 'Air Freshener Fee', the HOD pointedly insisted on a 'Mirror Maintenance Fee'. According to him, that would help the students reflect on the struggle towards personal growth, each time they looked at the mirror.

A few hours later, it was sealed. The birth of a news discipline, “Toilet Taxation…” The egg-heads convinced themselves that its socioeconomic impact would boost students’ morale. Some said the new course would provide a proper understanding of sanitation through the lens of Toilet Taxation. 

Toilet Tax!

 In fact, the Vice Chancellor, on hearing of the development, ordered all the departments to adopt the course but with flexible modules. The media renamed the school: “The University of Toilet Taxation”!

Student A: Sir, I‘m still gathering money to pay for last month’s ‘Chalk Fee’. Can I attend today’s class, please? 

Prof: You can attend if you promise to bring it by midnight. And I hope you’ve paid your ‘Desks Maintenance Fee’.”

But the students weren’t amused. The weight of extortion was telling. A round of grumbling started. It was evident that something sinister was boiling within. Then, unexpectedly, their leader, a certain fellow named Rufi, addressed a world press conference.

Hapless students are fed up with extortions.

Rufi was a tall “goal-getter”, who became popular as a goalkeeper. As the President of the Students Union Government  (SUG), he identified with the plights of the downtrodden.  So, when he addressed the nation on this day, he spoke the minds of many.

Rufi didn't mince words. His indignation wasn’t just about toilet tax. He was livid that the new “course“ was a microcosm of the larger rot in the university system, across the nation. Students, he noted, were being bled dry. With one ridiculous fee after another, some were forced to drop out of school,  he said.

Imagine a thesis topic attracting a premium fee of N500,000. For seminar presentation, students must cough out N45,000, each.

They must still “sort,”  a code word for oiling their paths to high scores with cash. After all, knowledge must not be made to look cheap.

They even pay “Desk Maintenance Fees”

But “sorting” is not just about money. Some female students are caused to “sort” with their bodies. They even must pay  for the hotel rooms, where the male lecturers offer them very  'private lessons.' The extortion tactics, said Rufi,  were as diverse as they were disgraceful.

But, let’s stop a while to appreciate innovation. Indeed, the growing culture of extortion in our ivory towers has far-reaching impacts. It teaches our students the importance of “hustling for money.” After all, “money answers all things”, until an offending lecturer is caught and made a scapegoat! 

Well, Rufi’s outcry raised more awareness. Above all, it gave voice to the timid and hapless, easily intimidated by some Shylock lecturers. His bravery in exposing the rot challenges others to speak out. Perhaps, one day, the university system would return to its true mission: a citadel of learning and not of corruotion!