Laugh at Me, if You Like!

 

A few days back, while battling flu and malaria, I was “awarded”  a PHD. Well, if you know me very well, which you don’t, I’m a very healthy person - until I fall ill. Anyway, to push age and aches aside, I exercise every day. Two press-ups on the bed, a stretch and a jog – from the bedroom to the kitchen. That’s supposed to keep me fit, abi? But I end up often with headache “inside my head.” When I eventually made a very hard decision of seeing a doctor, the guy placed his stethoscope on my legs and announced that my head was filled with coconut water. He said that was why I always did my thinking with the mouth, like Nigerian politicians. I laughed. He said I was suffering from Physical Health Deficiency (PHD). Then he gave me chalks to swallow “after meal.” Me? The only thing I swallow easily “after meal” is my saliva.  Again, I laughed. But when he suggested I “work out” often, I felt like walking out on him.

 

When I got home, I watched Vice President  Atiku Abubakar (on TV) saying the bogus national ID card project showed government’s resolve to always execute projects that impact on the lives of the masses. I felt like asking: How does a scheme that has gulped more than a state’s budget impact on my life? Instead, I laughed long enough my wife had to call the doctor. But the guy put me through a series of tests – mad cow disease, STD, pregnancy and even one for “laughter infection” which, I was told, leads to madness. Then, the doc surprised us all. He “found” something in my system that looked like blood. And the other good news? It was actually circulating! Above all, he said I was healed (of all the aches, flu, etc) - pronouncing it as if he “dashed” it to me like some Pentecostal pastors.

 

Here’s the lesson: A bad situation is better handled with laughter. If your “best man” runs away with your wife, laugh it off. It may as well be one of those bad Nigerian movies. And by laughing more, you could live longer, even if Obasanjo makes sure you can’t buy groundnut to drink garriwith. Hey, what the hell, just laugh and be happy. In fact, experts say laughter helps the blood to flow better – that is, if it runs in your veins. 

 

A recent study said watching a funny film boosts the way the blood vessels function. Researchers at the University of Maryland School of Medicine in Baltimore compared the effect of watching funny films – like Oputa Panel, Nigeria’s National Assembly, Dariye’s movie, Abacha coup video, etc – to watching stressful ones like NLC rally, Obasanjo’s speech and Anambra wahala. The verdict: Funny films prolong life; watching Baba’s throat-clearing ceremony adds stress to stress  - resulting in quicker death.

 

I suspect people like Mike Tyson had since found out the truth about laughter, that’s why he creates comic relief like ear biting and all. Now, the guy has gone into music and guess what? He’s combining Italian ballad with American rap! Something like mixing headache and migraine.

 

Anyway, laugher is good for body and soul. If you laugh often, like 50 times a day, I suspect you would need no other exercise. Docs say 30 minutes of exercise three times a week and 15 minutes of laughter on a daily basis is good for the vascular system. Laughter, they add, increases blood flow by about 22 per cent but stress slows it by 35 per cent.

 

 Don’t be discouraged by the big grammar, let me attempt an interpretation.  First thing in the morning, spend about 30 minutes from your bedroom to the bathroom. Report late to work and tell the boss you stopped at a shop to buy exercise books for the kids. He should understand, after all, he too exercises, doesn’t he? Anyway, if you do those three times a week, you would probably earn a place in the “laughter book” of the outfit. And make sure you spend 15 minutes to laugh at your oga’s stupidity; imagine him accepting your excuses with a minor query. Well, I assure you, very soon, you might even get a letter that would “clear the system.”

 

Okay, so the Baltimore experts said exercise is good, but they didn’t say we should kill ourselves with it, did they? Neither did they say our government should kill us for “exercise.” For, I suspect Obasanjo and his men misread the point. Hence, they tell us often to “exercise” till we die. When we cry for food, they tell us to “exercise” patience. We talk about fuel and high cost of living; they tell us to wait while they mismanage our money. Exercise patience, they sing, as if all Nigerians are named “Patience.” Meanwhile, they grow fat at our expense, a clear sign they haven’t been “exercising” the body. Their pockets, instead. And they end up with PHD.

 

Now, I’m really beginning to wonder why a fellow should eat. Look, since the National Assembly has failed, let the National Conference make a law banning eating. No more food, period! Consider the stress of having to eat at least three times a day. Why does a fellow have to eat to live? Why can’t we just laugh it off and trek home to sleep? – for those who have “home.” Well, laughter creates the spasm you miss in not exercising and lightens the spirit. Especially if you add spirits like whisky, brandy and “Remy Matthew,” sorry, Remy Martins. I’m told laughter cures malaria, flu, fever and can even clear the cobweb from Baba’s throat. 

 

Warning! Laughter may be good, but it demands wisdom. Imagine an Obasanjo’s minister refusing to laugh at the General’s dry jokes. And then, imagine a journalist who laughs at his drab explanations to our dwindling political and economic fortunes. If Abacha had laughed at all, they would have killed him in a coup. Still, for not laughing, “cardiac” arrested him, some say, with “apple.” If Abiola had laughed off his mandate, he would still be alive for 2007 election. But Abiola was a cheerful fellow, who smiled at situations. Unfortunately, he smiled at the wrong people – his captors and the American spies. He never suspected those sitting across him were smiling over a poisoned cup of tea. Lesson: Be careful of those who smile too often. 

 

Despite the experts’ findings, too much laughter could be poisonous. Go to a funeral ground and laugh and everyone would term you mad. Somebody might even do you the favour of calling in the Fire Brigade, the Police or the psychiatrist. Sometimes, a situation may only demand a smile; sometimes a grimace. Like a man at his wedding. Even when the photographer shouts his throat dry for him to smile, wedding photographs often turn up with grimacing grooms. Sometimes, gloomy! While the brides are always bright with smile and, well, loud laughter that “vibrates” even in the pictures.

 

Me? I laugh at my stupidity, sometimes. Like when I search the parlour looking for a pot that’s right behind the kitchen door. I laugh when people meet me and say, “ha! I thought you were bigger!” I laugh when a toad sings, and if you haven’t noticed, everybody is now singing – from pastors to movie artistes to school dropouts. And since they can’t sing anything intelligible, they call their gibberish rap. You’re not supposed to understand, since it doesn’t make sense. So, just nod and smile and be happy. Yes, laugh it off. In fact, you can even laugh at me, if you like, it’s doctor’s order, remember?

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  March 19, 2005