Soup Pot Economist in Akwa Ibom

 

Since I lost my Economic textbook in secondary school, I’ve never been able to spell the subject. I mean the one written by Ayo Teriba. And my big head couldn’t retain all the jargons I was harassed with at the night school. So, I often mix up a word like “micro” in Biology with the one in Economy. I can’t even recall words like macro, budget, expenditure, etc, making my mother’s soup pot. 

 

But they keep pouring out of textbook economists – getting me more confused and, well, stupid. Last week, I got even more confused. I was invited to the maiden Economic Summit in my state – where CBN’s Charles Soludo spoke grammar in deeper baritone than Barry White. But when he mentioned the greatest investment being in human capital, problem started. On the dais, Ebebe Ukpong,  Commissioner for Economic Development, choked. Then, his face fell as if he was going to have an attack of something. A sip of water and he turned to the next man.

 

Commissioner: How much is that?

Next man: What?

Commissioner:  Human capital. Is it up to N10? 

 

Well, those who know Ukpong well said he hates spending. It doesn’t matter if it’s to improve his grandmother’s appetite. And prolong her bones. In fact, I heard he never discusses “expenditure”; only “income.” His idea of Economic Development doesn’t include human capacity and enlightenment.

 

Ukpong: What’s enlightenment? If that is what you are looking for, go to NEPA. Here, we use candle, until the Ibom Power Plant is ready. 

Reporter: Sir, but there’s no NEPA anymore, have you forgotten? And IPP won’t come on until the end of this year, according to the governor. Anyway, enlightenment involves information, education and …

Ukpong: If you want education, go to that school nearby.

 

Ukpong handled everything about the Economic and Investment Summit - and did a good job of it. Especially, making sure that the publicity was bungled. A summit of that magnitude was only publicised in the programme of event. To ensure nobody heard of the summit outside the venue, he appointed the Agric Commissioner as chairman of the Publicity Committee. I heard a confused Trenchard Ibia protested the appointed but Ukpong insisted. The man would have done better counting cassava stems in the plantation. Obviously, he knew nothing about the media and publicity but then, Ukpong wasn’t disappointed. He had anticipated that. And he got exactly what he planned for. When it’s time to peel cassava tubers, Information Commissioner might get the favour.

 

Ah! It’s a miracle that Parchi Umoh, the (mis?)Information Commissioner, was a member of that Publicity Committee. An afterthought! So, he merely walked around the venue like an orphan – always the last man on the row! The only thing he knew about the whole Summit was Gov Attah’s face in the programme. Served him right! That man always does as if he came from space. Imagine! A former editor, he can’t even relate with journalists – hardly picks calls; never calls back. And he’s so scared of the governor – as if the man has bird flu. 

 

Anyway, the event went on without Umoh and his constituency. There were 10 sub-committees including the one for sweeping, spoon-gathering, overeating  and “big grammar”. There was one for “accommodation/transportation”  but many invitees were never “accommodated”.  And Ukpong didn’t care.  In fact, when some people complained, he declared he had “closed the budget” – even before the event started.

 

But I don’t blame him. It’s the nature of those who attach little value to the media and the power of information/education. It’s an attitude borne out of ignorance! Look! I hate people who look down on others. If you look down on me, let it be because you are taller than Emmanuel Okala. May it never be because you think I’m of no value. You can never tell.  I might not be good enough to merit your financial favour, but I could be valuable enough to fertilize some crops, when I die.

You see, Ukpong is a very fine economist. A one-track minded specie. Years back, his type made young women run away from marriage. I had an aunty who married one and swore never again. The economist-husband measured the length of yam tuber every morning before leaving for work. He knew the quantity of oil by morning and what was left at night. With broomstick, he measured the quantity of brandy left in the cupboard. He counted every piece of meat in the soup pot.  His name, incidentally, was Ukpong!

 

Wife: Darling, we need to buy foodstuff…especially meat. Doctor says I need more of protein.

Ukpong: I’ve closed the budget. Tell the doctor we run a tight budget here. If his protein, like everything else, is subject to market forces, then we have to cut down on our expenditure profile.

Wife: But does the doctor control protein? Beside, you only closed the budget; you didn’t lock it , did you? Can’t you open it again?

Ukpong: Woman, don’t try my patience. Have you accounted for the piece of meat that was missing last night in the soup? Look,  I might invite EFCC to probe what you’ve been doing with meat, you know. 

 

Soon after that, young girls in the area got scared of economist-suitors.

Father: My daughter, there’s a young man who approached me for your hand in marriage

Daughter: Dad, do you think he can take good care of me? From your discussion with him, is he liberal-minded?

Father: He looked okay, a fine gentleman. He dressed well - in a weather-beaten jacket. And came in a car – a 1920 Voxwagen Beetle. 

Daughter: What does he do?

Father: He said he’s an economist.

Daughter: Dad, I don’t want to die of hunger, even if you insist. I’m not ready to account for every piece of meat in my soup pot.

 

On paper, Ukpong has a truckload of achievements as Economic Development commissioner. But outside the Ibom Hall venue of the event, the real economy was down. In Akwa Ibom, ‘pure water’ sells for N10 as against N5 everywhere in the nation. Petrol sells from N75,  N10 above the official rate. Biscuit sold N5 elsewhere goes for N10 each; N20 for three in Akwa Ibom. Life is generally so tough. In fact, sometimes, my mum gets scared of urinating, lest she feels tasty soon after. So what utopian economy is Ukpong developing? And when would it get to the dinning table – for those who have tables?

Attah gave a glowing picture of his administration’s ‘investment’ in improving the lot of the people. The fault isn’t exactly his.  Some of the dividends might come after he’s gone. Problem is, with implementers of his policies like Ukpong, question marks abound. Ukpong is blind to the challenges and weaknesses confronting Akwa Ibomites. But Nsikak Ekure, one of the key speakers, also an economist, saw them, clearly. He diagnosed that the people are educationally backward, with restricted mentality. They have limited exposure and experience in vital areas that make economies tick; poor attitude to life and risk; uncoordinated focus. And then, they have inability to manage and celebrate success. “If we do not get the people issue right… then whatever we shall subsequently discuss on leveraging finance to realize potentials and sustaining it will be a farce,” said the MD of First Trustees Nigeria Ltd. Now, if you disagree with him let me see your hands up. Come forward and put your points into public discourse; stop hiding behind a finger like Parchi Umoh. Or looking down on people like Ukpong.

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  March 11, 2006