The Power of Moustache

 

 

The Indians  recently  made a life-changing  discovery.  Suddenly, life won’t be as mean as it used to be for men who adopt  a little transformation. Henceforth, men would be seen as men and nothing less. They can even separate a fight with a particular look on their faces. Just a twitch!

 

A manly face  is so important that the Indians are paying good money for it. Their police, for instance, are receiving 65 cents a month to grow what the French consider a national character. A moustache. Why?  Wait for it – to give them more authority! 

 

You can accuse the Indians of being a third world country, but you can’t accuse them of not having “native intelligence”. The moustache thing is even academic. They did a research and found out that hairs across the mouth means money and authority. They said policemen with moustache were “taken more seriously.” But then, Police Superintendent Mayank Jain said the shape and style of the moustache would be monitored “to ensure they did not take on a mean look.”

 

Long before the Indians discovered the moustache like Mungo Park “discovered” the River Niger in our backyard, I had always  suspected that God must have been up to something. The moment I was 12 and noticed the black stuff sticking out of the skin above my mouth, I almost cried to my mum. But something told me the Biology teacher wasn’t all dump when he said hairs on certain places meant I was  growing up. I knew then that God gave me authority through moustache.

 

 I got more ideas about the whiskers when a French lady, Jeanne,  complained about her husband’s look. The man, an actor, had to shave his moustache to take a role. And the wife fumed. “You cannot imagine how it changes him! I no longer recognise him - by day or at night. If he did not let it grow again, I think I should no longer love him.” A moustache, she said,  was indispensable to a manly face. The bristles intoxicate, when they brush the female face or tickle the necks and the lips in kisses. “In fact, a man without a mustache is no longer a man,” said Jeanne, in a piece by Guy de Maupassant, aptly called “The Mustache.”  

 

Well, moustache may bestow “authority” and seriousness on a man, like the Indians say, but I think it does more. It could be a good place to hide something. If, for instance, President Olusegun Obasanjo had moustache, he probably would have gotten his wish on the fuel tax and the N10 billion jet. But because there’s nothing to cover the lies, it is easily detected by hungry Nigerians, who are forever reading the politicians’ lips.

 

On the other hand, moustache, if not properly handled, could betray the owner. A keen observer could notice it twitch when it shouldn’t. And that may just be another lie detector, you know. 

 

A person without a moustache could look deceptively innocent. Boyish. People hardly take them serious when it comes to business or other affairs. Perhaps, that’s why most of them are hardly  taken for their words. If for instance, El Rufai had  a heavy mustache, the Senate probably would have taken him serious when he accused Zwingina and Mantu of demanding bribe before clearing him as Minister. Nzeribe probably would not be looked at with suspicion each time he makes a suggestion. I think it’s because he lacks moustache that no one ever bothers to consider the merits of his ideas. 

 

Obasanjo, Ibrahim Babangida, Femi Fani-Kayode, Muhammadu Buhari, Victor Attah, etc, probably won’t have so much bad press, if they had mustache. There is something in their looks that gives them away – and the public can’t afford to gamble with such innocent looks.

 

 If the moustache is too thin – pencil line – it gives the worst impression. Ask Chris Uba.On the other hand,  a thick moustache points out a conservative in the crowd. Some might even tag you a terrorist – they might suspect your every move. Still, those in this class are more in historical epoch. Check out all the inventors of old, the philosophers, and even the religionists. Today, Osamah bin Ladin and Saddam Hussien are easily known than even George Bush or Tony Blair. 

Well, some overhanging, frightful moustache generally conceals weakness.  It hides a fine disposition, a kindliness and a gentleness that savors of timidity. It’s the moderate-moustache guy, most often, who plays the underdog. He’s often pushed around a bit. But, he eventually makes the top and stays there. 

 

Watch James Ibori and Sam Egwu. Then, you’ll believe that the  mustache is essential. Someone even said a lip without a mustache is like a body without clothing.  It gives shape and character to the face. It gives a man gentle, tender, violent look. It also makes him a monster, a rake, enterprising!

Most men in history grew the stuff. Hitler, Herbert Macaulay, Jesus, etc. The size and shape varied with their popularity. Or notoriety. Don’t forget that history is not particular about good or bad. It concentrates on recording events and their makers.

 

For a hairy man to look refined, he must shave off his whiskers. Otherwise, his features are concealed; the jaw and the chin betraying a great deal. Yet, the moustache guy retains his own peculiar expression and his refinement at the same time.

 

Come to think of it, there are as varied “faces” of moustaches as there are mouths! And I suggest Obasanjo should set up a “Moustache Monitoring Commission” (MMC). Wole Soyinka, Liyel Imoke, Bolaji Akinyemi, Alex Akinyele, Sam Egwu or even Lucky Igbinedion could head the body with their heavy whiskers as the first criterion.

 

The terms of reference of the Commission should include branding the whiskers. For starters,  we easily identify Herbert Macaulay’s, the telephone handle type, the Akinyele’s, the Mungo Park’s, the Leon Sullivan’s, the Igbinedion’s, pencil-line, the 419-type,  etc. Nobody should be allowed to grow the thing anyhow. In fact, there should a “moustache tax.” Only those from rich homes should spot it. 

 

Then,  we should  “monetise” the thing, if the aristocrats must cut it at all. Members of the body should note that sometimes, moustaches are coquettish, twisted or curly. Some smile with friendly authority.That’s mine. Some frown - too serious to behold. A child could be easily scared with it. Some are sharp and threatening. Others just point. A few relax,  outlining the lips in a sexy pose. The sexier the look, the more they are dedicated to women. That should also be taken into consideration during a proposed national moustache competition. Well, members are advised not to use their own moustache to judge people like “Uba-sanjo.” 

 

Against all odds and detractors of our nonsense, sorry, nascent democracy, moustache could become a thing of pride among those at the top. A status symbol. A class determiner! Or isn’t it a perfect way to identify class and status?

To the French, a moustache is national identity. A national insignia they believe came from their ancestors, the Gauls.  They consider it as boastful, gallant and brave. It sips wine gracefully and knows how to laugh with refinement, while the broad-bearded jaws are clumsy in everything they do. The French just adore the whiskers. Now, the Indians are joining the league of moustache worshippers. We too can benefit from this “scarce resources.” How about moustache allowance for our legislators? That would, in deed, help in national development, abi?

 

From my Mail box

 

Medi Keep it up

 I am one of your ardent readers. Keep up the good work.

"florence ayoni" <ayoni50@yahoo.com>  

 

Re: Minister of Words 

I really appreciate your effort letting Mr Adesewe Ogunlewe know his job as minister of Works and not Words.

"tayelolu adenusi" <adetee4real@yahoo.com>  a

 

On IBB we stand

Your column, The Reality, of Saturday Sun of January 31, 2004 was an interesting write up. However, people may refer to our grand Patron, General Ibrahim Babangida as "Maradona", "evil genius" or any other names they prefer but that won't stop us from supporting General Babangida in 2007 and beyond. Remember the saying that "whom God bless, no curse can go to him".

 

Otuekong Umoren <babangidayouths@yahoo.com>

 

Re: A word of caution fo IBB

I really enjoyed your article on Babangida.  If the man is warming up for 2007, can we really blame the evil genius?  In a civilized society, Babangida and his cohorts that annulled June 12 election would be ashamed of even talking about politics.  But here in Nigeria, anything goes, I wouldn't be surprised if the man replaced Obasanjo in 2007; they are all the same.

"Adekunle Moses" <mosadek64@yahoo.com>  

 

 

 

Still on IBB

l want to thank you for the good work you are doing concerning your piece with the above title. From all what Sunny Odogwu said, it means Obasanjo will not hand over power to IBB, Atiku or anybody come 2007. Instead, he may end up bringing a referee, who will head an lnterim Government, to officiate for them. Well, whichever way they hope to conduct the election in 2007 they should always remember that Nigerians are human beings and not animals.

 "Okezie Theos" <okezietheos@yahoo.com>  

 

 

 

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Feb  07, 2004