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Thomas Crooks, The Trump Shooter, Is A Nigerian!

  Thomas Crooks Thomas Crooks was just an ordinary guy until he listened to his overtaxed brain.  Brain: Do you know you can be famous? Crooks: How? Brain: By attempting the infamous!  So, Crooks picked his father’s AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle. He listened to his confused brain again and headed to a rally nearby. Minutes later, he did a crooked thing by firing at Donald Trump!  Crooks wasn't a known professional crook. But he obviously had a enough crooked mind to store explosives in his car and home.  Yes, the Trump shooter was one man. But his name, “Crooks,” gave the impression of a multiple negative character. His crooked act and plans probably justified the addition of letter “s” to a his name, making him one but many crooks! Crooks’  “crooked shot missed Trump by an inch. Thomas Crooks was probably so crooked that he couldn't think straight. But thank God he couldn't shoot straight, either. Otherwise, the world would have missed a daring, straight...
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UDDER NONSENSE!


*Members of the Cows Association of Nigeria

Legislative hilarity! Nigeria may be a land of jokes, but few rival 

a spectacle of cows dressed in green-white-green. In their numbers, the animals scattered outside the National Assembly, each flashing its green passport and copies of a petition.


A few metres from the Three Arms Zone, another set of cows blocked a bank entrance. All armed with documents, they sought to do biometrics for BVN and to open accounts.


At the National Identity Management Commission (NIMC), thousands gathered mooing: “We no go gree ooo. We no go gree! Give us NIN (National Identity Number), we no go gree”! It was another picture of Ajero’s multiple but ineffective labour protests!


* Cows taking over…

In a land where cows already enjoy more privileges than humans, the recent debate in the Senate over the free movement of the animals increased the comics. Yes, you read that right—cows!


The joke started during the Buhari years. It was commonly held then that cows were favoured more than human beings. Now, the northern cows, have taken the matter to the Senate, insisting that they own the land. And that they deserve equal rights with Tinubu!


In support of Senator Adamu Aliero (Kebbi Central),  who spearheaded a similar charge during a debate, the cows under the aegies of Cows Association of Nigeria (CAN)waited outside, patiently, for Senate President Godswill Akpabio.


* Senator Aliero, argues for free movement for cows.

On sighting Akpabio, they mooed to be allowed to continue roaming free because the Nigerian constitution grants “every citizen freedom of movement.” In fact, they added, cows also deserve to flaunt the national identities - passports, NIN, BVN, etc. And enjoy privileges - students’ loans, trekking allowances, pilgrimage, sleeping allowances and all!


Lead Cow:  "Mr. President of the Senate, I stand before you to argue for the fundamental rights of all cows. The constitution guarantees freedom of movement for all!"


Senate President Godswill Akpabio was taken aback that cows can talk. But he quickly recovered his composure and used the similar tactic he used against Aliero:


"Mr Cow Leader, are you suggesting that cows are now Nigerian citizens?”


*SP Akpabio: Cows are not Nigerian citizens

The cow leader was not perturbed. Instead, the Bobrisky look-alike waved his national passport, hoping Akpabio got the message. Then, he tried a different twist. "Cows contribute to the Nigerian economy! Some people make money selling us. Some of you eat us and grow fat. Our fresh dungs fertilise your tar roads while some of your kids sniff the dried ones. Sir, we deserve the  freedom to graze and roam as we like."


Senate President Akpabio: "By that logic, my neighbour’s chickens should demand the same freedom. Should we also open the gates for goats, pigs, and every other farm animal?"


A few days later, CAN sent a delegation of its members to show Akpabio what they are capable of. Outside Akpabio’s house in Shelter Afrique in Uyo, Akwa Ibom State, the cows laid siege for days. 


* Owners of the land?

Despite the anti-open grazing law in the state, the hitherto high-brow Shelter Afrique Estate and the whole of Uyo, is littered with cow muck.


Nigeria seems to have reached a point where the absurd has become reality. Imagine! In a nation grappling with serious issues, some of our legislators would rather engage in a bovine debate. 


The northern senators' plea for constitutional cow rights is enough to make me laugh, if I wasn't so hungry. Besides, I’m afraid police may ask me to sing the old-new (or is it new-old?) National Anthem, as punishment! 


* Cows roaming outside Akpabio’s house in Shelter Afrique Estate, Uyo.

But then, maybe cows need their own political representation. It doesn't look like the northern lawmakers are doing enough. We might even need a Cow Party of Nigeria (CPN), advocating for more grazing land and better grass quality. Cows also need equal rights in the military, workforce, cow-friendly office spaces complete with grazing breaks!


The Senate President pointed out the obvious: cows are not Nigerian citizens. They are animals, much like the chickens, goats, and pigs we keep on our farms. They do not have constitutional rights, and their movement must be managed to prevent conflicts.


*They are everywhere!

The farmer-herder clashes have been a source of serious tension and violence in Nigeria. Allowing cows to roam freely, based on a misinterpreted constitutional argument, is a dangerous mischief.


Senator Aliero’s argument reached a level of absurdity that would be impressive if it weren’t so alarming. The constitution is designed to protect the rights of Nigerian citizens—humans, that is. Using it to justify the uncontrolled movement of cows is a disservice to the real issues at hand.


For now, the Nigerian Senate has given us a reason to laugh, though at the expense of common sense. Next time, they should focus on solving the real problems facing our nation, rather than engaging in a comedy show.

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