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Thomas Crooks, The Trump Shooter, Is A Nigerian!

  Thomas Crooks Thomas Crooks was just an ordinary guy until he listened to his overtaxed brain.  Brain: Do you know you can be famous? Crooks: How? Brain: By attempting the infamous!  So, Crooks picked his father’s AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle. He listened to his confused brain again and headed to a rally nearby. Minutes later, he did a crooked thing by firing at Donald Trump!  Crooks wasn't a known professional crook. But he obviously had a enough crooked mind to store explosives in his car and home.  Yes, the Trump shooter was one man. But his name, “Crooks,” gave the impression of a multiple negative character. His crooked act and plans probably justified the addition of letter “s” to a his name, making him one but many crooks! Crooks’  “crooked shot missed Trump by an inch. Thomas Crooks was probably so crooked that he couldn't think straight. But thank God he couldn't shoot straight, either. Otherwise, the world would have missed a daring, straight...
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Baba Ojo Boiled Malaria Tablets. Doesn’t Want To Die For Hard Drugs!



My attempt at playing “the good neighbour” nearly landed me in okra soup, yesterday. A fellow named Baba Ojo, in that yellow house, suddenly fell ill. I rushed to Mallam Abu and bought     some tablets. Wasted stress!


Baba Ojo just gave me a “bombastic side eye” when he saw the malaria tabs.


"Ah, wetin be dis?" he exclaimed, eyeing the small, white tablet with suspicion. "I no fit swallow dis thing, e be like stone!" Shebi Senators say make we no take hard drugs. I no want go jail o”.


I ‘blew’ all the grammar I knew, adding a smattering Yoruba, to no avail. Assurances from concerned family members didn't shake him, either. After all, in his mind, if it's hard like a stone, it must be the "hard drugs" the Senate is so vehemently opposed to.


But just when it seemed all hope was lost, a stroke of genius struck Baba Ojo like a bolt of lightning."I go cook dis tablet like eba, make e soft small before I swallow am!"


Okay, so the Nigerian Senate has frowned at dealers, manufacturers, couriers, and takers of “hard drugs”. But will that law touch the “De main, De main” people in the business? Usually, the scapegoats are the small fries - the couriers. The big guys hide behind their bags of money. You can't see them; you can't reach them. 



Check it out. A suspected baron has been arrested in the bustling city of Lagos. We all know that's where chaos and creativity collide in a symphony of honking horns. In a court, nearby, the trial starts.  The witnesses “fumble and stumble” over their words. Evidence disappear faster than a plate of jollof rice at a wedding. 


As the trial reaches its climax, the courtroom is filled with a palpable sense of anticipation. Will “the BIG man” be acquitted and walk free, or will he face the hangman’s noose?


The tension is as real as Tinubu’s

hardship. But then, with a final flourish, the court delivers its verdict: The BIG man is too big to be jailed! Lack of enough evidence. Waste of court’s time. He is innocent! The  jubilant supporters cheers. 


As the BIG man walks out of the courtroom a free man, he smiles and adds spring to his steps.


Fear of hard drugs is real. But fear of death sentence is more. Still, even if one judge gets extra bold and sentences a baron to death, will the governor endorse it? Won't money buy his freedom? It’s easy to make laws, implementation is the problem.


Death sentence for hard drugs is good. At least, the law will surely create more engagements for the lawyers. The ever-earnest Barrister Ade, prosecuting, will present his case with all the gravitas of a Shakespearean tragedy.  The defense, represented by the quick-witted Barrister Obi will counter with a comedic performance worthy of a stand-up routine.



Well,  it's not just the lawyers that will enjoy the show. Oh no. What about the colorful cast of characters that make up the our society. From the stoic market woman, Mama Pepper,  with her penchant for gossip to the overzealous youth corper eager to make a name among school kids.


Hard drugs are bad, agreed. They influence crime and kill the brain. Yet, kill one hungry and jobless fellow over hard drugs today, another gets recruited, soon. Killing them may frighten some. But provide more jobs and bringing down the high cost of living might work better!


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