Thomas Crooks Thomas Crooks was just an ordinary guy until he listened to his overtaxed brain. Brain: Do you know you can be famous? Crooks: How? Brain: By attempting the infamous! So, Crooks picked his father’s AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle. He listened to his confused brain again and headed to a rally nearby. Minutes later, he did a crooked thing by firing at Donald Trump! Crooks wasn't a known professional crook. But he obviously had a enough crooked mind to store explosives in his car and home. Yes, the Trump shooter was one man. But his name, “Crooks,” gave the impression of a multiple negative character. His crooked act and plans probably justified the addition of letter “s” to a his name, making him one but many crooks! Crooks’ “crooked shot missed Trump by an inch. Thomas Crooks was probably so crooked that he couldn't think straight. But thank God he couldn't shoot straight, either. Otherwise, the world would have missed a daring, straight...
* Mrs Mimi Orubibi
My head is not correct! I just found out this morning, while passing by my bedroom mirror. And that probably explains why I can hardly remember things. Like my age and the last sentence I just wrote. In fact, sometimes, when I want to find out if I’m growing (old), I ask my children how old they are!
Well, according to one study in the United States, an average adult male’s head is 57cm (22 1⁄2 in). Women manage a circumference of 55cm (21 3⁄4). But mine is bigger than my pride, fuel price and full packages of Nigerian “palliatives” combined!
Since that discovery, I’ve been in one hospital, undergoing scans. One result revealed, surprisingly, that my big head is filled with coconut water. That was surprising because I had thought only school fees and other maintenance bills alone were there. But I became sad when the doctor said my head was the reason I couldn’t understand simple scientific terms like “maintenance of the ozone layer!”
For immediate dramatic relief, I thought of going to Odumeje’s church, but I was told he was in UK trying to acquire more power through comic singing. Besides, I realised that I could not even pronounce “Santum Sanitorias”!
The only solution to my condition, according to the doctor (I suspect he’s a quack), is for me to travel to Benue state for proper “head examination”. Soon, I became even more confused because he didn’t explain whose head needed examination. Did he mean that the head of “the Head” of the Benue state government needed to be examined? But would that not refer to the governor?
Anyway, I probably proved the “quack” doctor right, when I went back to him with more questions. He now spent time to explain that once I could understand what “maintenance of the ozone layer” meant, my situation would improve. “But sir, what has that to do with Benue State and head examination?”
“Go to the Benue State Board of Internal Revenue Service and ask of Mrs Mimi Orubibi. She’s the chairman of that Board. Hopefully, she will explain to you what her media assistant, Terna Francis, meant by “maintenance of the ozone layer”, the doctor said.
Further inquiry showed that the Benue state government has been taxing the already overburdened private citizens of N50,000 yearly, for electricity generating sets. Business outfits pay N150,000 across the state. Senseless, you may say.
However, the Board chairman’s media aide was too kind to explain that: "When these levies are collected, they are channeled towards the maintenance of the ozone layer to avoid natural disaster".
To help my empty skull, one busy-body nurse there said: “The truth here is that, it is not only Odumeje that performs miracles by mouth. Benue state does wonders too, like controlling natural disasters!”
The doctor then claimed that once I understand how the Benue State Government intends to control the ozone layer, a belt of naturally occurring pale gas sitting about 30 kilometers above the earth, then I would understand other botanical names for corruption. That’s when he would gladly certify my head “kwarekt” again, he added.
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