I’ll Pop Ekpenyong’s Champagne

 

The last time I saw the item called “loyalty” was before Nasir el-Rufai got to BPE. The next time I checked, a bird said it was sold along with Nigeria Airways. Well, I never gave it much thought until the Association of Doomsday Prophets (ADP) accused their interpreter at the National Confab of bad faith. 

 

Incidentally, I share an office at The Sun with that honourable fellow called Emerson Gobert, Jnr. Oh! Never mind that he wears a mask (on his column) worse than Michael Jackson’s face. I assure you the gentleman is a poet and an adept interpreter of Deputy Governor Chris Ekpenyong’s mind, behaviour, beliefs and politics.

 

Okay, Emerson is very modest. In his column in the Daily Sun of June 15, 2005, he said he was  not a member of Ekpenyong’s defense team or his public affairs adviser. See? He was too modest to admit that he “leads” Ekpenyong’s  defense better than Taribo West. And in the Public Deception department, he either learnt from Jerry Gana and Femi Fani-Kayode or he taught them. Anyway, he was courageous enough to admit that he is Ekpenyong’s loyalist. “Everybody has his stream of loyalists,” he wrote. So, with his mind in his pocket, who can question his loyalty - even though it dangles between the North and the South Poles?

 

Emerson is very patriotic. So, “for the love of Nigerian and Akwa Ibom State in particular,” he warned that Ekpenyong should not be impeached, even if found guilty – otherwise the nation and Akwa Ibom “may plunge into political crisis.” There! The ultimate prophet! Now, why is Nigeria still intact after Omisore was impeached in Osun in the first term of this civil rule? My, my! How did Anambra manage that nobody burnt the Atlantic when Ngige’s deputy, Ude, was impeached? But then, only Emerson has the true understanding and interpretation of the crisis he foresees for his state.

 

My only problem here is that my father happened to come from Akwa Ibom. And my mother still lives there with a number of other relatives – like my late uncle’s dog, who now holds an “Obong” title. So, when a “learned” colleague carefully avoids the objective to instigate mayhem, I worry because  I don’t have money to evacuate my people.

 

Well, Emerson claimed the allegations the Akwa Ibom State House of Assembly leveled against Ekpenyong, his boss (sorry, friend),  “appeared vague.” I didn’t have the privilege of attending a school that taught “big grammar,” so I don’t understand what “vague” means. But then, another “learned” colleague pointed out that Emerson ended up committing the same sin he accused the House of. To me, however, to say somebody diverted public funds to buy a house is as explicit as saying Michael Jackson was “not guilty” for walking naked in his bathroom. Now, see a man who is not Ekpenyong’s defender. Instead of awaiting the man’s response to the allegations, he shot his mouth with a water gun. Now that Ekpenyong has admitted that his 12-year-old son actually bought a house in Houston, Texas, would Emerson commit suicide?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Well, he did not say what job his son, Emmanuel, does. Or what collateral he used to raise a loan fat enough to buy a house in USA from Union Homes Savings and Loans Limited. I no know book –o, but one “small” idiot observed that a Nigerian bank would hardly buy an American-dream house for a boy whose job is not more than watching TV.

 

Interestingly, of all the allegations against him, the house issue was the one that concerned Ekpenyong most. But Emerson, apparently working on whatever sentiments, became a lawyer overnight. He claimed “in point of law” the Assembly was flawed by not pasting the evidence against Ekpenyong at the bus stops. Logic could walk with the head and see if Emerson cares. Now, it’s really stupid for the policeman, EFCC or whatever they call themselves, to arrest people – including Tafa Balogun - then take then to court before presenting evidence.  At least, that’s what Emerson’s logic hinted. He would have none of such judicial abracadabra tagged due process. And I agree with him.  I swear, it’s not easy when you are in a hurry to justify your pay.

 

The Code of Conduct  permits public officers to buy houses anywhere in the world, says Emerson. True. In fact, put differently, it also allows public officers to take their people’s money for safekeeping abroad. That is why Joshua Dariye is wanted by the American police so he could invest in the construction of their cell houses. 

 

Emerson clears Ekpenyong outright because if the charges were true, “ somebody would have checkmated him since.” He does not believe that Ekpenyong has ever done anything to threaten the peace of the state – like inciting people against the government on the last Democracy Day. The only way to prove the allegation for Emerson, is for Attah to query his deputy or “punish (him) accordingly” – whatever that means. Ah! Don’t even think of it. Emerson is not vague, God forbid. Attah “should administer corporal punishment” on Ekpenyong. “But not at the Uyo Township Stadium.” Meaning: Attah should give his deputy a handshake and order the Assembly to stop the impeachment process. “I think Governor Victor Attah should call his deputy to order if he has erred. I also think that at worst, Ekpenyong can be allowed to serve the remaining two years out,” he said. It doesn’t matter whether the man is guilty or not. Emerson would want the dep gov let off, just to prove that somebody is not out to scuttle his chances in the governorship race in 2007. Oh! Forget it, incitement is not a crime in Emerson’s law books, which can only be understood after drinking a drum of “tombo.” 

A man is accused of slapping his security detail and Emerson could only think about “private” pocket. He hinted that Ekpenyong “disciplined his staff in his private capacity.” He said we should separate private life from official life. True. But if Emerson cared to reason a second with his head and not heart, he would have recalled that Ekpenyong was assigned security personnel because he occupied the public office of a deputy governor. Besides, any public officer is expected to be of the utmost decorum. Executive slapping isn’t part of democracy dividend, no matter what Emerson thinks.

 

If Emerson has stomach problem and it feels “nauseating,” he puts it to the allegation that Ekpenyong influenced the award of contracts “to his companies and fronts.” And just because he wonders whether or not the allegation can be proven, therefore it’s not true.

 

Well, like they say in journalism, comments are free. And Emerson exercised his right for wild comments. But when it grows so wild that it threatens fire that could consume my state, I cringe. “If the impeachment plot pulls through, all the developmental efforts (and they are many) of Obong Attah would have suffered a distraction which will in turn rob Akwa Ibom State of its God-given peace which should launch it into fulfillment.” Nobody should dare say that was “illogical.” I don’t think Emerson was “ill” when he tried to draw that “logic;” he probably wasn’t sure. But he should have slept over it. If he still had headache the next day, should have tried Aspirin and a dose of objectivity. Commonsense many not be so common, but I learnt logic based on faulty premise can never be valid.

 

I don’t like Ekpenyong; I don’t like Attah. That is a job for their wives. But I don’t hate them, either. Still, accountability, humility, logical reasoning, articulation, integrity and maturity could bend my neck in a direction. Ekpenyong happens to be my deputy governor. And, he is constitutionally bound to be accountable to me, my siblings, my mum. And others. I once offered him a chance to defend himself against those allegations but he sneered at my size – which has nothing to do with my stupidity. The same chance I gave Attah and even his opposition. 

 

Now, if Ekpenyong is “guilty,” he should be impeached. The sea would not dry. Neither would it catch fire. At least, it’s still rainy season, yet. But if “not guilty,” he should do Michael Jackson’s moonwalk,  with a two-finger sign stuck in his cap. I swear, I’ll pop his Champaign.

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  June 18, 2005