In Akwa Ibom, Somebody is Giving Witchcraft a Bad Name

 

Today, I’m going home to help “liquidate” the evil spirit in my backyard. I have just ordered a weapon of mass destruction (WMD) that will do the trick. It’s called otapiapia! One drop in water, sprinkled in the air and all the ‘enemies of progress’ are gone. Then, leave the undertakers to bury the spirits. Amen!?

 

You see, I’ve always suspected that there was something wrong with Akwa Ibom. At some point, I thought it had malaria, typhoid or Vitamin A deficiency – just anything to explain the stunted growth. But, now that Apostle Isaiah Isong says its witchcraft, I’m even more confused.

 

In Akwa Ibom, before morning gets to us, some states would have seen afternoon. Our clock never marches the ‘radio time’ – always too slow. The sun smites us by day and the moon by night. And the tars on some of the good roads get folded overnight. Projects are hardly completed on record time. I’ve also wondered why the governor never acts decisively on some crucial issues. I never knew “witchcraft” was at work!

 

Ah! Why didn’t anybody tell me? I would’ve joined Isong to cast-and-bind; bind-and-loose; plant-and-uproot; release-and-scatter; condemn-and-cancel; liquidate-and-nullify;reject-and-re-l-e-a-se! Ah! The juju and ‘mbiam’ would’ve been in trouble, I swear. 

But how come Isong has just found out after almost eight years of Attah’s tenure, that Mr. Evil has been competing with the citizens. He has, in fact, been usurping all our rights, lefts and, well, benefits. But Isong said nothing all this while. If he was ‘binding’ and ‘killing’ the air around the witchcraft, juju and mbiam, how come they never suffocated? I think somebody is either giving witchcraft too much credit. Or a bad name.

 

You see, in Akwa Ibom, nothing happens naturally. If a drunkard fails to drop feeding money for his wife, he must be under spell. A woman misses step and spills her soup, it’s the witch next door. In fact, if Attah misplaces his reading glass, one merchant-pastor is bound to see vision: it’s been spirited to the witchcraft coven. A certified eunuch can’t impregnate his wife; blame it on ‘ekpo-ifot’. If Attah’s greedy aide squanders public funds, it must be juju. Oh! Should we also blame juju if the governor chooses to surround himself with incompetent fools – thereby getting nothing done? If no meaningful project is completed without Finance Commissioner Umana or the governor supervising, personally, then ‘ifot’ is at work, abi? 

 

In Akwa Ibom, incompetence, poor performance, etc, are caused by the evil one. QED! So, I agree – let’s ‘nullify’ him. If prayer won’t do, hire the Chief Justice of the Federation, Belgore, to pronounce it ‘null and void’! Look, like Attah, I’m tired of this ‘evil business’. Superstition! Election is coming and we don’t want a governor ‘sneaked’ into office by the devil - behind our back. 

 

Already, the evil fellow has started work. He even deceived Attah to use a picture ten years younger than his real age for a presidential campaign. And injected malaria into some people, causing them to dream of sleeping on Attah’s bed in Government House. Even my grandma is interested – leaving her Eket Federal Constituency for buccaneers. And that really gets me worried. Now, I have to ‘bind and loose’ to scare off the ‘evil force’ that tries to confuse grandma. Our constituency is too strategic to be left for just anybody to represent. We’re tired of morons using our tickets to better their pockets to our detriment. They go there and return without a single legislation that affects us positively. Now, as election approaches, we need tested, dedicated, grassroots people with pedigree. Outspoken, fearless but humble, compassionate souls. We need well-fed people; not those in search of meal tickets to the National Assembly. And grandma, having been in the area all her life, would know the right hands to pick. Then, with native wisdom, she’d convince the masses to make the right choice.

 

You see, Eket Federal Constituency oils the engine of thisnation. It produces all kinds of oil – groundnut oil, palm oil, engine oil and, well, crude oil. But, that doesn’t mean my people are crude. In fact, experience has shown that until poverty and money-politics blinded reason, we used to be very refined. Years back, my people were so vibrant they competed with engines. While the women trekked hundreds of miles to Ibeno market, the men challenged parrots to debates. And my people always won. Then, loaded in a truck, they returned home singing in jubilation. ‘We don win!’ ‘We don win!!’

 

Whether at home or abroad, our politicians spoke ‘big grammar’ till their saliva dried. That’s why they call us ‘ndito mfianwe’ (oyinbo people). Then, they borrowed some more saliva from other people, leaving them with nothing to say than to concur. Yet, our politicians also brought some things home. Well, they bought gramophones for themselves. But, at least, none betrayed us – lying that we sent them to support third term. And none stole our money for private gains. Ah! I remember, they even brought us tiny green-white-green flags. Especially, on October 1. There were tarred roads, then. And P & T phone cables that lined the roads and left us with awe. They gave us hope!

But not anymore. These days, ‘witchcraft’ has left us lame ducks for leaders – eats up their brains, sensitivity and compassion. Our representatives only represent their pockets – rubbishing the legacies of old. We now have only politicians who support evil plots like third term. Then, blame ‘witchcraft’ for their greed-induced actions. But, can’t we find even one we can trust?

 

Ah! Eket Federal Constituency was once the engine room of the South Eastern and old Cross River States. It produced such energetic and world-class figures that even death could not ignore. Brigadier-General U. J. Esuene, frontline Airforce pilot and former governor of South Eastern State. Dr Clement Isong, former CBN governor and later governor of Cross River.  Hon. Samuel U. Bassey, a true patriot in the House of Representatives of the 1st Republic. Ntisong Vincent Uwemedimo, the first patriarch of Akwa Esop Imaisong Ibibio and former attorney general of South Eastern State. Chief Uyoatta Akpabio, the first Okuibom and former paramount ruler of Eket. No evil – witchcraft, incompetence, fear, greed, indecision, etc – stood in their way. Well, they may be dead, but their works still speak volume. Super Permanent Secretaries like Chiefs Iquang and Chief E.C.D. Abia are still here as a testimony of the good old times. Abia even initiated a private sector, manpower-driven enterprise – ‘Dr Pepper’ soft drinks. Chief Ndaeyo Uttah, the then speaker of Cross River House of Assembly, was unparalleled in his control of the legislature, in speech and depth. Today, from the same Eket Federal Constituency, is Chief Ufot Ekaette - the first Secretary to Government of the Federation (SGF) to serve for eight years. He’s been there so long that his remaining hair is falling off in office. 

 

Eket Federal Constituency has a name. Pedigree. People. And stake in the Nigerian enterprise. Only a credible, competent and experienced person in both private and public lives can ensure proper run of the expected benefits to the area. He must share my grandma’s pain. If he’s never given her a glass of water to swallow Paracetamol, he’s not fit for the job. Our next representative must be in tune with his people; not a visiting merchant only angling to alleviate his pocket. We’re tired of timid people, who can’t even argue with their shadows. That, I swear, has nothing to do with witchcraft. 

 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Oct 14, 2006